Heaven Knows

Twenty Five

They called us two days later to go to the hospital.

We entered Dr. Sharpe's small office hand in hand. My hands were clammy and my heart raced. Even Tyler had a hint of fear in his brown eyes.

Then the world silenced when I heard the results.

Castleman's Disease.

I thought it was a joke. I've never heard of such a disease, but her sad eyes made me realize that this was more serious. There was more to it.

Tyler did do a small chuckle. "How do we fix it, doc?"

Dr. Sharpe took out a small display of the venous system in the body and said, "Your disease is sort of like cancer. It invades parts of the lymph nodes which are here and here..."

She pointed at the parts she examined Tyler the first time. "But yours has invaded multiple regions in your body so this is called Multicentric Castleman Disease. But you were HIV negative. Do you have any family history of diseases?"

Tyler's eyes fell and that's when my heart started to cry. If he lost his strength, mine is completely gone.

"My mom," he sadly said. "She died a few months ago."

Dr. Sharpe's eyes soften and she softly said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. I promise we will take good care of you."

"Wait." This time I spoke up. "What will happen? Is there like a cure or..."

My hands trembled as I heard her say, "There...are ways we can stop it from damaging any organs. For now, I would like to do a biopsy to be sure what we're dealing with here."

"So...you're my doctor now?" Tyler sadly said.

She nodded with a small smile and said, "I promise I will do everything to make this disease disappear. But I like to tell my patients and their families that it requires time and patience." Her eyes landed on me but those words did not help. Her kind smiles did not help. I was numb all the way back home.

Then I cried and Tyler quietly held me. For once, he didn't have any words to comfort me. And I felt helpless...

Now, I numbly look down at my agenda. I have two appointments today. One is a birthday party and the other a wedding. My heart still shivers but betrayal runs through it.

Why? I prayed. Why couldn't He hear me this once? Why him and not me?! I deserve it! Not him!

I took the page of my agenda and angrily ripped it out. I can see my hands tremble among my tears as anger overwhelms me.

I explode with this anger that has filled up for years. I sob as I throw everything that's on my desk on the floor. Even the mug that Tyler gave me breaks in pieces and this brings me to cry even more.

Anna enters with wide eyes and sees the commotion. "Tessa!"

I ignore her as I hug myself. Anna steps in quietly to observe the place until she runs out. I don't care who she tells. My perfect life is once again ruined and this isn't my fault this time.

This is all His fault.

Soon, I see Anna come back with Gail. She immediately wraps her arms around me and it stops my screaming mind. All I hear now are my sobs against her shoulder and her sweet voice whispering, "There there, sweetie. I've got you."

Among my tears, I see Anna quietly cleaning up my mess. "No, Anna," I say with a shaky voice. "Don't do that. This is my mess."

"It's okay, Tessa," she gently says. "I'll make you a coffee once I'm done here."

"Wait." I stop her from cleaning up the pieces of the mug and take it myself. I sit in my chair and tears come back at the broken pieces.

"It's ruined," I say with a sob.

"We can glue it back," Gail says to me. "Maybe you won't be able to drink from it, but it'll be for display. Honey?" Gail looks at Anna and says, "Bring her some tea. A relaxing flavor." Anna nods and gives my shoulder a soft squeeze before walking out.

My eyes stay on the pieces until Effie says, "What were the results?"

This makes my lips quiver and my heart breaks with this mug. "Castleman's Disease. It's invaded his whole body. They...they want to do a biopsy."

Gail is silent. I look up to see her fighting back tears as she says, "What...is the solution?"

"They don't know yet."

"Well," Gail says with a sigh. "We don't know anything yet so we can't jump to conclusions. Maybe they just need to do surgery—"

"But it's all over his body! How do you want them to cure him when there's so much of it?!"

"Tessa," Gail says. "You need to calm down."

I let out a laugh. "Calm down? How?! When my life seems to flip upside down every single freaking time! I can't live without a moment of peace! How does he trust in a god that does this?!"

Gail stays quiet and I realize my disrespect. I let out a small breath and my eyes fall for tears to land on my white floor. Gail stands to put an arm around my shoulders and says, "You need to get it together. Listen. It's okay to be scared. But you have to be strong. You hear me? You can't let fear take over this time. Not anymore."

Her words slap me back to reality. I nod at this and take a deep breath. "That's it," she says. "I know you are strong. You were my intern for heaven's sake. I raised you better!"

I laugh at this and give her a tight hug. Her arms hold me until my heart is strong enough to let go. Anna quietly comes in with a new mug and says, "Here you go, Tess. Honey lemon. It helps me. I don't know if you like it."

"Thank you, Anna." I sit back at my desk and my muscles relax at the smell of her tea.

"Do you have anything today?" Gail says.

"Two appointments."

"Well. Why don't you get them done and head home? You need to rest up and get better."

I smile at my friends and nod. "Thank you, guys. Thank you..." They both give me one last smile before walking out.

Gail is right. I can't be weak. At least I have to fake it for Tyler. He needs me now more than ever.

My mind still bothers me throughout the day. I barely hear my excited clients tell me their ideas of a perfect day. If only they knew it could all fall apart in a second.

Then I finally go home. I numbly arrive and see Tyler in our room. But he's quiet and on his knees by our bed. His elbows are on the bed and his eyes are shut. His brows furrow and I know he's in deep conversation with his god.

I don't join in. I just watch him this time. I watch him love a god that does nothing but bring despair to my life.