Heaven Knows

Forty Five

We are in the clouds. We sing among the breeze and smile wider than the rainbows up in the skies.

Huh. That's good. Tyler should use that for a new song.

Ever since our little girl has become more real to us, Tyler always plays to me and smiles wider than ever. He tells me that chemo has been defeated by a little person. I believe him.

I find it funny the way she flips every time Tyler plays the guitar around me. It sends my heart flying and I always try to make him feel. But it's like she stays still when he stops playing. She's so tricky.

One night, I was listening to Tyler read his Bible and I felt a strong tap. It was more of a kick than a tap really. I chuckled and Tyler looked at me.

"What is it?" he said with a smile.

"She just gave me a kick." The moment I finished saying this, there she gave me another kick. My hand landed on the lower part of my belly and giggled as I felt her quick twitches.

"Really? Do you think she'll let me feel this time?" Tyler uncovered the sheets and I laid back a bit. She tends to wiggle around when I'm most comfortable.

I smiled as I watched Tyler put his warm hand on my belly and waited with a smile. She was quiet for a moment until she did a light tap on the other side of my belly. I gently moved Tyler's hand and felt her tiny taps there.

"Do you feel it?"

"No," he said with furrowed brows. "Is she moving?"

"Yes! A lot actually. She knows it's you."

"C'mon, baby," Tyler said to my belly. "I want to feel you."

She did a strong kick that made my smile grow and I quickly moved his hand. But she already fell silent.

"You're always late, Tyler. You're too slow."

"What?!" Before I could think, he started tickling me under the sheets and I burst out laughing. She gave me sudden strong twitches and I stopped him.

"Wait wait! She's moving again!"

"Where?"

"You can't see?!" I lifted up my shirt so he could see my bare belly. There I saw my skin doing small sudden twitches and even lifting a bit from her kick.

"Where?"

"Oh my god, Tyler! She's literally giving you a show! How do you not see it?!"

"Oh! There it is!"

I looked down at the way she made my belly twitch towards the sides a bit. I giggled and said, "I think she's playing with you."

"I know," Tyler said with a chuckle. "If I touch, she will stop just to bother me. She's just like her mother."

I laughed at this and smiled down at the last small tap she gave me before going back to sleep. She continued on with her little somersaults but I knew only I felt those beautiful wiggles.

But among our happy dances in the kitchen and big smiles, I received a call from Mr. Blue. First, he started off by saying sorry for the awkward dinner he made us have on Thanksgiving. But then he insisted on giving us money for the baby.

At first, I was embarrassed to accept so I told him that I would let him know once I'd talk with Tyler about it. But as I started to get new bills, the pressure tried coming to me again. No doubt I needed help for this next month. Tyler hasn't worked much and I knew I wouldn't be able to pay by myself. My mind keeps wanting to spend just on my little person but I keep pulling it away from those inevitable thoughts.