Heaven Knows

Forty Four

My heart shrunk for Tyler's unfortunate Thanksgiving with his father.

But all that sadness finally faded from our lives as I finally felt something in me. Something amazing.

We were watching the TV. Well. Tyler was reading his Bible while I quietly watched the way a man created a broken-down house into a beautiful home for a married couple.

I was fascinated and distracted by the way he converted a mess into a beautiful home until those little bubbles appeared again. I usually think it's just gas. I've had those bubbles before. But then those bubbles slowly turned into butterflies.

I furrowed my brows at the sudden feeling in my abdomen and my mind concentrated on this instead of the TV.

Then the lightest tap made me jump. I gasped and it made Tyler jump. But he stayed silent as I smiled widely. Those taps became into little swims that left me speechless.

"What's wrong?" Tyler's eyes shined with worry but all I did was take his hand and put it on the part where I felt small taps.

"There it is," I said. "It's moving! I can feel it! It's so clear! The taps!"

Tyler's eyes were warm but he said, "I don't really feel it, hun."

"It's too small," I said. "But I can feel it. It's swimming."

Tyler laughed. "Lucky. But soon, we'll have an understanding."

He put a kiss on my belly and I felt so clearly the feeling of waves within me. I giggled and said, "I think it knows it's you. I think it just did a flip."

"Really?" Tyler left his Bible to the side and wrapped a loving arm under my belly. My heart flew at his warmth as he hummed to it. I couldn't stop smiling at the feeling of its sweet wiggles.

I was so excited to tell Gail...the whole world about my baby moving! That morning I woke up with a huge appetite but I gladly ate for my baby. For more movements, it needs nutrients. On my way to work, I can feel its wiggles and surfing movements inside of me. My heart flies every time and I miss it the moment it stops.

But when I get to Gail and Anna eating at the cafe, I didn't hesitate in telling them immediately. They both cheered and gave me a sweet hug at such an accomplishment for my baby. I even felt a small flip within me as they congratulated me.

"Oh my god!" Anna happily said. "I can't wait to feel that! How does it feel like?!"

"It's like...a fish. Like you have a tiny fish doing somersaults all the time and tapping your belly."

We all shared a laugh and Gail said, "My kids always had a strong kick. By twenty-one weeks, you can clearly see that quick tap on the bottom of my abdomen. Enjoy while it lasts, honey. Those movements will only be stronger and more painful."

"I don't care," I say as I cradled my belly with my hand. "I could feel it all day. Every day."

Even Tyler has been in a wonderful mood despite chemo. He keeps thanking God out loud and talking more about Him, but I don't care. At least I thank Him for the little butterfly inside of me.

We've gone to church, too. They've been so kind to us. I have no idea how to repay. The pastor once jokingly said, "I would like to see more of you here if you would like to repay us!"

Those words still roam in my head on my way to the clinic. I'm surprisingly not angry about that comment. It almost felt like...God was telling me that. Not the pastor. It felt so...I don't know how to explain it. But I knew that comment would still bug me after the clinic.

But now, I push it aside as Tyler and I enter the clinic hand in hand. Our smiles do not leave our faces as we enter our room. I wipe my clammy hands on my maternity jeans and say, "I'm so excited. Are you?"

"Yes!" Tyler says with shining eyes. "I can't wait to see her."

"Her." I smile at this and gently say, "You want it to be a girl? Not a boy?"

Tyler comes over. His weak legs are a bit shaky, but he stands tall as he takes my hand and kisses my head. His eyes burn through me like on the night we met as he softly says, "From the moment you first became mine, I knew I wanted a girl. I envisioned her."

I giggle at this as I take a taste of his lips. "And what did you see?"

Tyler puts a tender hand on my belly and warmly says, "God showed me a beautiful little girl. She had your smile. The one I fell in love with."

My eyes start to water at his words and his hand starts to slowly rub my belly as he says, "She had a beautiful nose and eyes filled with wonder."

I chuckled at the small taps within me as I say, "I want her to have your eyes. And your voice."

"As long as she has your heart...she is perfect. Just like her mama..."

Our little person wiggles and sends happy waves in my belly as I put a hand on Tyler's hand. We share a smile and I wish he can feel her happiness. Her. Our girl. I just know it.

It's like I can envision her as Hazel, Dr. Aaron's student, takes care of me. She said that Dr. Aaron had an appointment for herself but I didn't care. All that mattered to me was listening to my favorite melody from a tiny heart.

And hearing Hazel say, "Congratulations! It's a girl!"

My whole world fell apart. My walls came tumbling down as I felt Tyler put a tender kiss on my temple. He no longer had sickness. He no longer was weak at that moment. We were just quietly smiling. We held hands and I thanked the heavens for meeting him on that night. For not skipping over his brown eyes like I used to do to many others among those neon lights.

I cradle my belly as I feel her twist and flip with happiness. It's like she knows how much I love her. It's like she can see Tyler's wide smile as we go back home.

She flies like butterflies as Tyler says, "God is good."

For once, I don't let my heart shrink with resentment. It flies along with my little butterfly as I softly say, "Yes. He is."