Heaven Knows

Fifty Four

"Hey, lady. I haven't heard from you in a few days."

I let out a tired sigh as I hold my phone to my ear and try finishing up some work at the office. "I'm sorry, honey. I've just been so busy."

"Remember to take it easy, okay? We'll get through this together."

His words help comfort me a bit. Ever since Mom found me crying, I've had the urge to bring her into my house until Tyler gets back. I really can't take another night alone.

But we are both shy. We have this...wanting to become close again but we are both afraid those walls might fall again.

I might just go visit her tonight after work. She sent me the address of the place Jay rented. But now I have Tyler to worry about. His surgery is tomorrow and my muscles have not had a rest from this tightness.

I clear my throat and say, "I know. Don't worry about me. Just focus on getting better. How have you been?"

"Alright. I've had difficult nights but we've been through worse. Dad has been here all the time. I...never had the chance to thank you for calling him over. It's made a wonderful difference in this journey. Thank you."

I can't help but smile at his sincere words. "You know I want the best for you even when you don't see it."

"That's why God gave me you."

My heart melts and I wish I can hold him now. I wish I can taste his lips. Run my fingers through his hair and down his broad body. Though, he's lost a lot of weight in the last few months. But I still love him otherwise.

Our little bird gives me a painful jab and I jump. "Geez. Your daughter has been giving me hard ones lately." I painfully rub the part she's stretching at and hear Tyler chuckle.

"She'll be one silly cowgirl. God, Tess. I've been thinking so much of her. It's like I can see her already! You know? Maybe I just miss feeling her little kicks on my back. Why don't you come over tonight?"

My mother comes to mind but Tyler wins like always. If there's anyone that can heal my troubled heart, it's Tyler. No one else.

"It's a date," I playfully say. "I love you, cowboy."

"I love you more. I can't wait to see you. Don't take long, okay?"

My heart jumps with excitement at the way his voice shows how much he longs to see me. I hang up with a smile and decide to finish work early. As I try to close my office door, my car keys fall from my bag and I chuckle. I don't even try to bend down. That won't work.

I look around for someone to help me but Gail quickly appears around the corner. "Hey!" she says with a wide smile. "Let me get that for you, mama."

"Thank you," I say with a laugh. "This little lady doesn't let me sit at my desk or pick up things anymore."

Gail hands me my keys and sweetly rubs my belly. "You look so tired, hun. Is everything alright?"

I let out a scoff. "So much has happened, Gail. We'll have to sit for a coffee to tell you the whole story."

"Where are you off to now?"

"To visit Tyler. I haven't seen him. I've been busy."

Gail's eyes grow sad as she observes my tired state. She puts a gentle hand on my shoulder and says, "Tessa. Have you thought of taking maternity leave? It'll be just for a few months until you can bring her in with you and—"

"Gail, I can't." I lower my voice so no one can hear me say, "I won't be able to pay my bills on time. They're going to take the house away if I don't pay on time next time!"

"But you and your baby's health is much more important!"

"No, Gail. I've worked hard for that house. I can't lose it now!"

"But it doesn't matter now. You can just move to an apartment right now. Your baby is more important. You matter more!"

But that's why I'm fighting. For her. For us. I've always fought for us...

My lips quiver but I quickly look down and nod. Gail gives me a hug that only stabs my heart and I sadly go to my car. I send Tyler a message saying that I've decided to visit him tomorrow morning before the surgery.

I'm tired. Exhausted. I have someone to talk to.

I arrive home with tears in my eyes. It seems like this is normal now, but anger rises within me as I pace my room. I look at a picture in my drawer of Tyler and me on our honeymoon.

He should be here. Smiling. Confident. Singing...

I take a deep breath and say, "Why? I try, okay?! I try to listen to you and read but you only make it harder! I...I'm not angry, okay? I'm just...I'm tired. I'm tired of fighting over everything! I wish everything was back to normal...I just want to be a good mom. A good wife."

Tears run down my cheeks as my heart pleads to God. My heart hurts so much and I put a hand on my chest as I softly say, "Help me, please. You say that you're good. I read that everything will be okay if I wait on you. How long must I wait? Show me that you're real! That the god that Tyler loves so much loves me, too! Because I keep asking for your help and all I get is more—"

The doorbell echoes in the house and I look up with furrowed brows. I quickly clean my tears away and look at myself in the mirror before walking to the front door.

My heart falls when I see my brother on the other side. He seems to have frantic eyes as if he's been looking for me everywhere. But my lips quiver as I hear him say, "I needed to come. I needed to say I'm sorry. I'm sorry for making you feel horrible. Tessa. I love you. And I'm here for you. Of course, I'm stupid enough to say things out of context. It's been so long and I just—"

"Jay—"

"Wait!" he says with wide eyes. "Just let me finish."

I already know why he's here. God listened to my tired heart a long time ago.

He does a small smile and says, "I'm sorry. Please let me help you. I...I know I left. I know I never called back. I remember that day you called my office. With the pregnancy scare. Sis. I promise that I moved earth and skies just to hold you, but you completely disappeared. But now you're here. Beautiful and glowing."

In between my quiet tears, I give him a shy smile and let his tender eyes make me melt. It's like I see God once again with me as he steps in and says, "I'm not going anywhere anymore. Now more than ever...we have to stick together. No matter what happens with your husband, you're not alone anymore."

This is enough to make a warm sob escape my lips and hold him tight. Jay does a small chuckle that vibrates against my chest and it's like I'm holding my dad again.

No. I'm holding God.

I let His warmth envelop me once again and my heart asks for forgiveness for my anger. My doubts. He's never late. How could I forget? He arrives just in time just like all those other moments Gail, Mom, and Jay arrived.

Jay gently wipes my tears away. He gives me that warm smile I missed so much and carefully says, "Mom told me about your financial situation. Tessa. I know you're stubborn but please let me help. There's a reason why I left for college. There's a reason why I'm in a good position at my job. Let me help you with the money."

"Jay. I don't want you to worry. You must have plans and—"

"You...are more important," he says. "This baby..." He puts a sweet hand on my belly that makes her jump happily. "Is more important. You don't have to worry anymore."

Once again, I smile at the words God hits me with through my brother. He keeps doing this. Tyler was right. He works in mysterious ways.

I smile at my brother and give him a tight hug. All I can whisper is, "Thank you..."

I guess I might be able to take maternity leave after all.