Heaven Knows

Forty Eight

I didn't completely lie to my brother. We did have a nice dinner. We happily counted down the seconds for my world to flip upside down. Again.

It was two in the morning when I heard him groan in pain. I wasn't asleep at the moment. I've been waking up to the strong punches inside my tummy. But this time, she was silent the moment Tyler let out a cry.

I quickly turned around and saw blood in his mouth. Slowly falling on the white sheets and his eyes filled with tears. He let out strong coughs and his hands frantically reached for me.

The only thing I heard in the darkness was, "Help me. Help me. I can't breathe..."

It's all a blur. I ran everywhere in the house looking for what I needed. Keys. Shoes. Sweaters. Wallet. Purse.

Then they took him away from me. Unlike the first time, they did not wait on taking him in with his coughing fit and the blood spluttering on his shirt.

Now I wait. In the white room. It's still so cold and it makes my blood ice up when Grace guides me to Tyler's room.

I've never been so afraid to see him. I almost don't want to enter as we stop in his doorway. But his weak body drives my numb feet to a chair by his side.

I can hear Grace do a sad sigh by my side as I take his cold hands and hold in a sob. "Dr. Sharpe is on her vacation right now, but we have our other oncologist here. They've kept him stable so they can do some tests on him."

"So they don't know why he was—" I can't continue as a shaky breath escapes my lips.

Grace comes over to put a comforting hand on my back and gently says, "They will find out soon. Right now he has to recover."

"But how if he can get worse?!" My hands turn into fists when I angrily say this. Grace takes a step back and I can feel my lips quiver as I whisper, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry..."

"I promise we're doing the best we can. Once he gets stronger, we will be able to do those scans. All we need now is patience."

That's all I've ever had these past few months. Where is God now?!

But I stay quiet as I give her a nod and watch her leave. I look back at Tyler and my hand shakes as I hold his. He barely lifts his strong chest with breath. He barely even moves and all I can do is carefully lean over to hold his cold arm. My cheek feels what was once a warm touch and I close my eyes.

My lips continued to quiver along with my heart. My world falls apart once again and I'm left all alone. So I let out a soft sob. It's so quiet that even I can't hear it. But it's okay. No one is listening anyway. Especially not God...

"You have to be okay," I whisper with sniffles. "I need you. Don't leave me alone..."

Yet, loneliness greets me as I'm led back to the white room. I fall into a chair and hold my head as a sob escapes my lips. Once again, no one hears. No one notices. The only one that hears me is the little butterfly inside of me. She gives me a soft thud and it makes me even sadder.

What will we do without him?

My hand reaches for comfort. For anyone as I take out my phone. I barely notice that it's five in the morning as I dial Gail's number.

She doesn't answer the first time, but she answers by the fifth ring the second time I call. Her voice sounds groggy. She was sleeping but my despair wins over embarrassment as I hear her mumble, "Hello?"

"Gail?" I sniffle as I reach her with a quivering voice. "Gail, I'm sorry but I really need you. I-I-I don't know what to do. I'm so scared—"

"Okay, honey. Calm down. Where are you?"

I can hear her walk around as I say, "At the hospital. New Mercy."

"Okay. I'll be there. Just hang on, okay?"

I sniffle and nod. "Okay. Thank you..."

She hangs up and my feet start to burn. So I sit back down and I take a deep breath. She gives me a few jabs and I run a hand on her strong movements. They're supposed to hurt but my heart is in much more pain than my belly is. I find comfort in her. I imagine a little bird out the window whistling at me. Peeking at me with a warm smile.

Bird...

I look up at the sound of Gail's steps and run into her embrace. I let out a cry as she holds me tight. She whispers things to me but my cries are louder in my ears.

"There there. Honey, breathe. Breathe."

I take deep breaths with her and let her guide me back to my chair. She holds my hand and her eyes tenderly shine at me as she says, "What happened? Will he be okay?"

I tell her what happened. It was only a few hours ago. It was only a few hours ago when we were smiling together at the feeling of our daughter's movements. When we were hugging and kissing for a good year. When we prayed together for a good year.

Where is He now?

Then I hear footsteps come in the middle of our conversation. I look up to a woman with blonde hair and soft blue eyes. She has a firm yet soft smile on as she sees Gail.

"Clarke," Gail softly says. "It's a pleasure seeing you again."

"Likewise, Gail," she gently says. Her blue eyes land on me and her expression turns sad.

No. Not again.

"Mrs. Blue?" I nod and stand to go up to her. But she gently holds my arms and guides me back to my chair. "You will want to sit for this, Mrs. Blue."

She was right. By the way, my heart fell, I knew I would have felt my knees grow weak.

His disease has created two large tumors in his abdomen and his chest. Chemo has not helped much and all this fight seems for nothing.

I listen to the doctor sadly tell me that they will have to wait for Dr. Sharpe to come back so we can do the surgeries. They will keep him here until she comes. They will keep him stable. Keep an eye on him.

Keep him away from me...

I don't understand. I feel so lost. As I watch the doctor step aside to talk to Gail, quiet tears fall down my cheeks.

Why have you broken my heart again?