Heaven Knows

Thirty Six

I'm nine weeks pregnant.

It's so funny. I honestly didn't want to be a mom before I met Tyler. I don't have a good experience with my own mother, so I didn't think it possible of being a good mom.

But as I held the picture of my little person, my heart just burst. It danced. It sings so loudly that I can't take it.

I want to hear its heart all over again...

Tyler was exhausted when we got home, but he still held me close in bed. He kissed my cheek and did a small prayer as his hand landed on my lower abdomen. Now that I know I'm pregnant, I can feel its firmness. I can feel that there's something going on in there.

The next morning, I'm not the one running to the bathroom. I hear Tyler's quick steps and I hold his head back as he throws up. He then weakly goes back to bed.

"I think I'm pregnant," he playfully whispers as I tuck him in.

"Yeah?" I say with a smile. "How far are you?"

"Close enough for you to give me a kiss."

I chuckle at this and give him a soft kiss. Tyler closes his eyes at my touch and his hand finds mine. "Don't go...Plus. You can't be doing anything big."

"I'll be sitting all day, honey."

"Don't go..." Tyler gently brings me close and I let him put an arm around me as I lay on his chest. My ears listen to his heart this time; it still beats loud and strong for me.

"I assume you won't go to work today," I softly say.

"I don't think so. My whole body feels like it's been hit by a bull."

I kiss his chest and say, "I have to go, baby. I'm going to be late, okay? You need to call me if you need help, but I will call you either way when I have time. Keep your phone on."

"Yes, Mom."

I smile at this and my heart does a small leap. As I sit up again, his hand finds my abdomen, and his eyes shine. I give him a long kiss as I stand. My heart urges to make me stay. I really do want to stay as I observe his pale face. But as I give him his light breakfast, I tell my heart to get it together. We're not alone and I realize that our finances will change from now on.

But I can do this. I got this.

Despite the packed smoothie I drank in the morning, by noon I'm running to the restroom again. Morning sickness seems to be afternoon sickness for me. And night sometimes!

I come back to my office and see Gail sitting at one of my chairs. "Hey, sweetie. I wanted to see how you were doing."

I let out a sigh. "I came from the restroom. Even if I throw up my breakfast, my baby will get those nutrients, right?"

"Yes, hun. Are liquids not working for you?"

"Sometimes they don't, like today," I say as I take a drink of water. The smell of coffee suddenly brings another shot of nausea and I cover my nose. "Gail. Take away that coffee maker. Please."

"Oh." Gail quickly runs to turn it off but the smell still makes my stomach flip. So I get up and spread perfume all over the room before I puke again.

Gail does a small smile and says, "Wait until you get your superpowers of smell. That was an interesting time for me."

I return her smile and get to work. Anna isn't here today so I have extra work piled on me. Gail's eyes carry a hint of worry as she says, "How's Tyler? Yesterday was when he got his first chemo session?"

"Yes. He has to go back tomorrow. He didn't go to work today. He wasn't feeling so well."

"I see. Well if you need anything, let me know."

I look up as a thought becomes so clear now. It frightens me as I say, "Gail. I don't think Tyler will be able to work as hard anymore. Which means I'm left all alone to work. Plus. I just saw the last few medical bills after what the insurance paid and..." I shake my head at the memory of those digits. Luckily, I've had a few life savings but that was before I knew I was pregnant.

Gail leans towards me with soft eyes and says, "I'm sure Marissa will understand. Have you told her?"

"About Tyler?"

Gail shakes her head. "About your pregnancy."

"She'll then tell me about her cats being pregnant."

Gail laughs at this. "You still need to tell her."

I do a small sigh. "I'll do it soon. Right now I'm not in the right mood. I'm just...tired."

"Okay," Gail sweetly says. "Then I'll let you go. You know I'm just a few doors across the hall." My heart melts as she blows me a kiss and walks out the door.

Then the room seems cold again and I reach for my phone to hear Tyler's voice. He answers at the second ring and says, "Howdy."

I chuckle and say, "Hey there. How are you?"

"I'm feeling much better. I think I may just go to work after all."

"You have to take it easy, honey. It's okay if you don't go. Your health is much more important."

"We have bills to pay."

"That's why I'm working."

"You have to take it easy, too."

"I'll be fine."

Anger starts up within me as I hear him say, "Tessa. You have to take care of yourself. You're carrying our child. You have to take it eas—"

"Well it doesn't make it any easier for me when my husband is sick and I have to pay thousands of dollars for chemo, plus my house bills!"

The moment those words come out, I wish I can rewind time. But it's too late. They're out and Tyler is silent. Tears start in my eyes as I start to say, "I'm sorry—"

"It's alright. I'm going to work." With that, he hangs up and I'm left colder than before. I clench my phone with anger and I let out a few tears.

Why is it suddenly so hard?

But the day drags by and I get home to check on Tyler. When I don't see him home, anger flares up again and I give him a call.

He doesn't answer. Of course, he doesn't. It's like he doesn't even care about anything!

I try to wait for him but exhaustion overwhelms my anger, and I knock out after thirty minutes of waiting for him.

The only thing I remember hearing is him entering the house and my angry mind saying, "I bet his god told him to go to work. Some god..."