Heaven Knows

Fifty Eight

I can't do this without him. No. Not now.

I'm taken to my own hospital room and I cry as my back pain gets worse at each passing hour. The stupid shots that are supposed to make me feel better don't work, and I'm left hanging onto the sides of my bed.

The pain is excruciating. Especially when they tell me that Tyler has gotten into septic shock and is now in surgery. Mr. Blue stays outside with my brother. Mom and Gail hold onto me.

I groan in pain as nurses start to fill in. The time is coming and now I understand why Bird was so still all these hours. I know why she did not flinch when Tyler's cold hand held my belly.

She knew today was her big flight. And he won't be there to see her...

I let out a sob as Mom puts a kiss on my temple. "Mama," I say. "I can't. I can't do this. I...need him. I can't do this without Tyler!"

My whole body tenses as my water breaks. Nurses quickly clean up around me and I hear Hazel walk in with another doctor I have not seen. She briefly introduces herself as Dr. Philips and goes over to help organize for birth.

I hear Gail tell me something but I just hear my mother's voice as she says, "You can do this. You've done it all on your own. You have fought. Just a bit more for Bird."

I shake my head as beads of sweat fall down my face. "No...No, Mom...I can't..."

"Yes. You can." Her eyes shine and burn at me as she says, "I know I wasn't there most of your life but you still continued. Even when I forgot and would let sorrow drown me, you decided to swim to the surface. You are strong and you know it."

"But I need him. He's supposed to be here!"

I let out a loud painful grunt and start to breathe. Mom holds my hand tighter and says, "Tyler is fighting to come back to you. We are by your side. We are all with you. He may not be here, but he is in the same battle just as you are. You can do this!"

"Sweetie," Gail whispers to me. Her warm hand keeps my heart steady as contractions hit me again. I look into her dark blue eyes and see the hope I saw in her from the very beginning.

And it makes my world stop. I don't hear anyone. All I see is them preparing me for birth. I hear them telling me to push, and all I feel is all my strength comes out. Everything that I have left. Everything I've reserved comes out now with a yell.

I can hear her heartbeat. Bird will fly. I need her to fly.

I need him...

I cry but I still don't hear her cry. The doctors tell me to keep pushing, but I can barely reach to the end of the road. A bright light blinds me and I finally remember God...

All I need is you!

The moment my heart cries out to the heavens, a new strength comes onto me and I can at last hear her cry. Warmth overwhelms every part of me as I feel her on my chest. I hold her close and cry with joy.

Thank you...

I cry when they take her away from me. I try to reach out but among my dizziness, I hear Grace tell me that they need to clean her up. Among my exhaustion, I hear myself say, "No. Not her. Don't take her away from me, too..."

But Gail holds on tight to my hand and Mom softly says in my ear, "It'll be just for a few minutes. Then you will have her for the rest of your life."

I lay back and I look up at the bright roof. That light is there and my heart suddenly seems to fall silent. All I feel is warmth and peace.

At one point, I fall asleep with such exhaustion weighing on me. Mom stays by my side and Gail goes out to tell the others about the news. If only Tyler were out there...

I wake up to the sound of footsteps. Hazel comes in with a small rolling crib and I forget of the world around me as I see the baby girl in there.

"Congratulations, mama!" At last, Hazel puts her in my arms and I listen to nothing else but her breath.

"Bird..."

Quiet tears fall down my cheeks and onto her tiny face. She opens her small eyes and looks right at me. Suddenly, everything seems to make sense. Everything is worth it. All this fighting and trusting...gave me a little bird.

My bird.

I smile down at her as I hear my mother sniffle by my side. "She's so beautiful," she whispers.

I chuckle with a teary smile. "She's perfect."

Bird starts to whimper and my heart breaks. My instincts make me start to take out my breast for her to drink. Finally, she takes the milk that has been ready for her for weeks. It's painful at first, but this pain is nothing compared to everything I've been through.

I watch her drink and her eyes stay closed. God. The church will fall in love with you in an instant.

I can't stop smiling and watching her as time passes by. I keep thanking God for her. I keep letting tears out from the happiness overwhelming me at each gesture she makes.

Gail walks in with a big smile and whispers, "Grandpa and Uncle can't wait to see her!"

I return her smile and look down at her. She's been asleep for a while after a long breastfeed. Gail looks over at her and melts.

"Oh my goodness. She's so beautiful. She has Mama's beautiful nose!"

"And Tyler's hair," Mom happily whispers. "I wonder what color of eyes she'll get!"

I've forgotten about Tyler. I look back at Gail and hesitate. But she knows as she sees the fear shine in my eyes. She takes my hand and my heart shivers, but that peace stays with me as I wait for his news.

No matter what happens...I trust you. God, help me, please. Give me strength.

But Gail does a soft smile and says, "He came out of surgery almost the same time little Bird came into the world. He's going to be alright."

I let out a breath. A breath I've been holding in for hours. I let out the sob I've been holding in for years and Mom quickly takes Bird to put her in her crib so I can cry.

It all clicks. His warmth becomes clearer. That light...shines brighter than those neon lights that night I met Tyler. That was His light leading us to each other.

Everything had its piece.

Because He's loved me...He's held me all along. He gave me Tyler and Bird to heal me.

Heaven knows how much my heart broke, but now I can see all those times He's picked up the pieces.

I shudder as I let His love fill the last part I needed in my broken heart. The last piece I needed for a new strength. The last piece my dad broke...

I look at the people around me with a teary smile and softly say, "Thank you."

I will never run away again.

God holds on and stays with me as the hours pass. As the day passes by, I hold onto the small glimpse of who God is. I see Him through my family as they smile down at Bird. I see him in my daughter as she holds onto my finger.

And I smile as I finally watch Tyler hold our little partner. His eyes immediately water and his expression is one I'll forever remember.

"My beautiful cowgirl. I'm here..."

Her eyes find his just as I did among the neon lights. Among the twinkling lights and loud music. And I don't regret a single moment...

I smile back at this beautiful mess and the new melody my heart makes. I smile back at His love and hope. I smile with Tyler at our daughter and to whatever may come next.

Heaven knows this is all I needed.