Heaven Knows

Thirty One

I don't understand. How is he so peaceful? How is he still smiling at the sad melodies of his guitar?

While I'm a total mess on the inside. My mind keeps wandering and worrying. It's killing me. There are days a strong headache appears out of nowhere that makes me dizzy. Then there are days I'm nauseous and I can't see food. The day Tyler went for his first infusion, I nearly threw up in the middle of the day. So I called him to hear his peaceful voice. Eventually, it made me feel better.

But I have another thing poking my head which is the law firm event. It's today and I don't think I'm ready for it.

I pick up the phone when I hear it ring. "Tessa Blue."

"Mrs. Blue? I just checked your dating profile and it says you're into horses?"

I smile at the sound of Tyler's voice and my queasy stomach calms down. "Hey, honey. How are you feeling?"

"Good. How are you? Is your stomach still being naughty?"

"Something like that. How about your stomach?"

"Mmm."

"Oh, sweetheart...Just hang on. I read that diarrhea, due to your medicine, should leave in a few days."

"It's okay. As long as I stay by the restroom, I'll be fine."

We share a laugh at this, and my stomach suddenly decides to drop the queasiness and bring back my sudden hunger. For some reason, my tongue remembers the taste of chicken and a strong craving for it.

"Well, I'll let you work, darling. I just wanted to check on you. You have that event today, right?"

"Right," I say as I wince at my rumbling stomach. "You don't have to come if you're not feeling well."

"No no! I'm coming. I'm your music man, remember?"

I laugh at this and let my heart relax for a moment. "I love you, my music man. Please..."

Stay alive. I can't say it. It'll hurt too much.

But like always, Tyler knows my every thought as he says, "I love you, pretty lady. I'll stay alive for you." And just like that, he's gone and my lips start to quiver.

But my tears don't come out as Gail gently comes in. "Tess?"

"Hey."

Gail gives me her sad smile and says, "I just wanted to check up on you. How are you?"

"Honestly...I'm starving. And I'm nervous. My body is all over the place and I don't know what to do. I just want it to be tonight already."

Gail does a small chuckle and says, "Well, it's normal to feel all of that. Plus. You missed your lunch so it makes sense that you're hungry."

"I still need to tell Marissa about Tyler. Does it even matter to her? Is there a rule that I'm supposed to tell my boss if my husband gets a rare disease?"

"I think it's best you let her know why you might miss some days."

I nod at her words and start at the door. "You're right. What do I say?"

"Just say the truth, honey. And while you're at it, how about I treat you to something from the cafe?"

I smile at her kind gesture and say, "Thank you, Gail, you're a lifesaver. Can you get something with some sort of veggie patty in it? I've been craving chicken today and maybe getting the veggie version will trick my mind."

Gail laughs at this. "Okay. Go on, hun."

The conversation was a bit awkward with my boss. She started talking about her own experience with diseases but it was about her cats. I didn't see how it helped me feel better, but at least I laughed. Afterward, of course.

But she said to take it easy. If only that's an option when my body decides to go crazy. My nerves are on point from it all and I seriously need a bed right now. I almost want to hide under the covers. Once again, be a coward and run from my problems.

But instead, I run to the law firm event. Tyler drives quickly as I pressure him to step on it.

"But I thought you said that we were on time!"

"I took a longer nap than I expected, okay?! I was exhausted. Do you know how stressful it all is to me?!"

Tyler's eyes grow soft as he parks at a curb.

"What are you doing?!" I frantically say. "I'm going to get—"

"Enough!"

I jump at his firmness and look at him with wide eyes. Despite of his firmness, his eyes are still warm as he says, "What is going on, Tessa? You can still trust me. I'm still me."

I let out a shaky breath as my heart longs to let out a nervous sob. "I'm...so lost. I'm confused. I just...I see you so...peaceful when I feel like I'm going crazy!"

"Crazy?"

"Yes. My mind keeps making me nervous with all these thoughts of you. I have these...images of what life could be like without...I don't want to be alone anymore. I don't want to lose you, Tyler. And this disease is making me real nervous."

Tyler takes my hand and time stops for us. I let his smile warm me up as he says, "We're going to be okay. I will be okay. I promise."

"How are you so sure? How are you not nervous?!"

Tyler does a knowing smile and points up.

God.

I let out a sigh and Tyler gives my hand a kiss. "Now I know that you don't trust Him, but I think you should give Him a chance."

"Why when all He's ever done is this?!" Anger stirs up in me but Tyler stops it with a warm chuckle.

"God knows what He's doing."

"No, He doesn't."

"You need to let go. Shake it all out like you're on a bull or something."

I laugh at this. "What a great example."

"I know. Also, you should try talking to me instead of letting all those nerves ruin your mood. I love to see you smile. I need more of it now."

My heart melts at these words and I realize that he's right. I should be the strong one here.

I let out a long breath and nod. He has his silly smile on as he says, "You know what I just thought? It's gonna be real awkward with Mr. Suarez there."

"Why?"

"Because we wasted his time and papers for a divorce that never happened. I wonder if he hates us now."

I giggle at this and lean in to give his lips a taste. "Well, I don't care. No matter what gets in our way, we'll make it to the end."

"We've always had. See?" He kisses my lips and I smile against our kiss.

"Always."

We arrive pretty late but it's okay. Life is too short to worry. Life is too short to not appreciate the little things in life that make it beautiful.

One of them is music. Such a small word that creates a whole world of symphony and wonder. Someday...I want our children to see what I see as he goes up the stage with his handsome smile. Once again, his eyes are on me.

Just me. Just us. No disease. No worries. Tonight, they are not a part of us.

Just music and us...