"Bro we ain't have to go this hard on Gatti." I said while nodding my head to the song that was playing throughout the studio.
"Right bro, if you don't drop this shit I will. Fuck that lil break you on." I laughed at what Pop said, taking another hit from my blunt. Watching the guys attempt to do the 'Woo dance' that all them New Yorkers be doing.
It was finally a day I didn't have Stormi or Roman.
The last five months I either had one of them or both. So this free week I had I was gone spend all the time I could with my guys.
It had been way too long since I actually enjoyed my life and had fun.
My therapist even said the same thing.
A few weeks ago I went to the doctor.
Not for Stormi or Roman.
But for myself, for the first time in a long time.
My physical health is great, my leg is finally fully healed.
It was just all good.
Besides my blood pressure.
It was way higher than what it needed to be. And I told the doctor that it was probably from the constant stress I was under. From December when the video leaked to now where I'm watching a rowdy toddler and an infant by myself.
Just to check and make sure I was good, they did more intricate physical exams and blood tests.
The results came back as my hypothyroidism being higher than normal.
And he diagnosed me with anxiety.
It wasn't like I didn't know about it.
I was originally diagnosed back when my dad was killed. But with my mom being an old-school black woman there was no such thing as anxiety or depression.
So I didn't get the treatment or medicine that I truly needed. I was given ginger ale, saltine crackers, and a pat on the back.
But to cope with my thoughts, I started smoking. Everyone my age was doing it and they seemed mellow and chill so why wouldn't I at least try it.
Smoking definitely did some good for me as it did ease my nerves, but it also did a lot of bad.
I was already paranoid, by the way, my dad died. And smoking just made the paranoia worse.
Like at night going to work I would think someone was gonna shoot me or something. It was possible living in St. Louis, but I didn't- shouldn't have had to stress over that every day.
As I got older and kept smoking I thankfully grew out of that phase and was just able to use it for the suppression of my thoughts.
Looking back on it now and talking it out with my therapist. I'm glad that nothing serious happened to me because indulging in weed at the mental state I was in, was definitely playing with fire.
It could've lead to me developing something more serious like schizophrenia.
But these past months I've noticed signs of it reemerging.
Like constantly overthinking, can't sit still, legs bouncing, restlessness. The list could go on.
I knew it was destined to happen since I never really handled it like I should have. And anxiety doesn't go away with the snap of a finger. But I never thought it would hit this hard.
I guess me not smoking for months had an effect on it coming back as well.
But thankfully I'm in a position now where I can get the help I need.
