one shots || N.R

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for @meems03, I am so sorry this is late.. like ridiculously late but I hope this was okay?

TW- mentions of self harming.

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It was early hours in the morning, and you had been woken up to the splendid sounds of your neighbours bickering and shouting at each other. You groaned pulling a pillow over your face to try and block the yelling out in attempts to get back to sleep, but you see its 5am in the morning and you have to be up for work in an hour or so, so you really dont see any point in trying to get back to sleep. Rolling out of bed, you pull out your uniform for the day ahead.  You stumble into the bathroom and turn the shower on and begin to go about your business. Not really how you wanted to start the day but hey ho?

-

You were stood in front of the bathroom mirror applying mascara and straightening your uniform when you got a message from your office asking to be in an hour early since your colleague had called in sick. You literally have no motivation today; you just want to curl up into a ball and sink through the ground. But luckily for you, you were pretty much ready, and you had another hour until you needed to be there, so you quickly double checked you had everything, for your presentation today and the manuscripts your boss had you look over. When you were sure you had everything, you put everything in your bag and pulled your shoes on then left your apartment to get some breakfast.

You practically ran to your office to get everything set up then made your way to your bosses office to hand them the work they asked for.

-

It was now around 11am and you were absorbed in your work and just staying out of the way until needed. Only when you were called into the meeting did it fall really downhill. You had done the work you had been told too. Everyone else hadnt done a thing. So, you were left to do the whole meeting and stocks by yourself putting you in a bad mood. Your boss was then in a mood with you because you didnt get his lunch because you were in the meeting he was supposed to lead in the first place.

You shake it off and get back to filing over reports. Looking at the time you see that only 40 minutes have passed. You feel drained, and you have barely done anything, this past week had been so long. It had mentally taken a toll on you. You dont feel anything really anymore, nothing appeases you like it did, you barley ate and when you did- you felt nauseous after. You didnt know what to do. Maybe quit and find a new job? Maybe

-

Due to your overthinking, the time had rolled on another hour. Just two more till you can be home, youve got this. Getting back to work, you print off the reports and file them in order for your boss at the end of the day. Just as you were about to press print, your computer shut down, so you had lost the 5,000-word overview you had written, and you dont know if you would be able to retrieve it. In a panic, you try to turn it back on and then it did, you found that you couldnt get it back. You could cry, today had not been a good day. You would just have to do it at home, or you could stay here late. You didnt really feel like staying at work, but you knew that if you took it home to do, you would subconsciously find yourself a distraction and it would never get finished. So, you figured to stay at work.

It had just gone 6 when you had finally finished, and the office is empty given people had finished and rushed home. With a sigh, you rose from your desk and places your days worth of work on your boss desk and walked out; only to find it was raining. And not like light rain you can walk home in, I mean heavy buckets of rain. You knew that if you was to walk home, which you would have to do, you would be freezing, and post probably get a cold. And you didnt have change for a cab, just great.  So, you gruffly trudged home in the New York pour down. 

-

When you got home, the apartment was cold, not really much help. You made a quick run for the shower. Whilst ripping off your clothing something caught your eye. Pulling your lips between your teeth you wandered into your bedroom warily picking up one of your old pencil sharpeners. And all the memories came flooding back to you, all the hard times, the break downs, the tears, the anger; but mostly the feeling of satisfaction it felt behind. And you craved that feeling. You needed it. But did you want to go to those lengths to feel it?... yes. Today had been your downfall after 3 months of being clean.

You knew you shouldnt, you said you wouldnt do it again. You promised. 3 months. Could you break it? Did you really want to after all this work?

You sobbed; eyes glued on your arms. All the scars. Scars. Not anymore. Just that one day, that made you rip them all open as well as your thoughts. Thoughts you didnt want to return. That night you returned to the place you didnt want to go back to. Your mind clouded over with guilt and anguish. You didnt want this for yourself. But you needed it, you thought. To replace the mental hurt with the physical distracts you from life and all its obstacles. It helps, you thought.

Natasha was your light, your sun. You revolved around her. It was all her. She was everything to you, but right now- it wasnt doing so good. The orbit was crumbling and slowly you were drifting apart.

Lately, Natasha had been so caught up in work, going from leaving early hours in the morning and not returning till midnight. And when she did have days off she still remained hauled up in her office with paperwork. She was drifting and you was slowly losing your light. You couldnt fight the intrusive thoughts that plagued your mind. You didnt want to either. They were right. She doesnt need you. Not like you need her. She doesnt even want you; she just sympathises for you. Your thoughts were eating you alive and slowly but surely you were starting to believe them. Slowly but surely, Natasha was fading away from you, and you didnt want to do anything about it. She deserves to be happy- even if its not you that its with.

Natasha noticed something was up with you, she knew she had been distant, but you were so too. Even more so, she thinks. Today you had come home soaking wet without saying a word and trudged upstairs. You probably had to worked late and got caught in the rain. Sighing softly, she rose from the dining room table and decided to see to you. She couldnt take it anymore, not talking, it was driving her crazy. She misses you. Natasha froze when she heard your sniffles coming from the bedroom. She tried to reason with herself to go in, part of her was fighting it; she doesnt need you, she doesnt want to see you, thats why she didnt talk to you when she came in.

She pushed aside those thoughts and slowly walked in the room. She swore her heart stopped for a good moment. You were sat there slumped against the wall with new cuts that had branded your arm. Just by looking at them Natasha could tell they would need stitching, "I'm sorry" you whispered. Your head was in your hands, and you looked up to Natasha. Your eyes looked dark, sullen. Tears were streaming down your face and your hands were unmissably shaking. "I tried to stop myself." You sobbed. You tried to get up from the floor, but you just lulled to the side. "Don't" Natasha stepped forward to stop you. She wrapped her arms around you and lifted you up- careful of your arms. She slowly walked over to the bed and placed you down before wandering off to the bathroom. Was she mad? Has she had enough of you of this? She couldnt leave, you didnt know what you would do if she did. You need her to stay.

Sadly, Natasha had returned to the bedroom with supplies to help clean you up. Though she didnt say much to you. She wasnt mad, she was angry. At herself, she knew that if she was there for you, this wouldnt have happened. You didnt deserve her. "Natasha please say something." You whimpered. "I dont know what to say" she mumbled focusing on the last few stitching. You stayed quiet after that. Tears silently rolled down your face trying not to make it obvious. Seeing that she was a trained assassin, theres very little you can do to catch her off guard. "I'm not mad at you if thats what your thinking" she said softly, looking up at you. She frowned when she saw more tears. She lifted her arm and gently wiped them away "I dont know whats been happening lately, but I miss you" Natasha whispered. "Your not here you" said looking down. "I was always here, you always had me, you always will. "Natasha sighed putting her things down. "Come here." She said sadly pulling you into her lap.

"I love you, please dont forget it, I'm sorry for how Ive been acting, that isnt an excuse. Please forgive me?" she begged you kissing your face, then eventually your lips. It was a wet soft kiss, both filled with so much emotion. "I love you too" you sighed clinging to her. Yeah it had been rocky, but you wouldnt change it for the world.

AN

have a good day <3

Stay safe everyone and love yourself 🤍🤍