Into the Light

171

I shook my head in disbelief. "Go home? What am I gonna do there? There has to be something I can do. Something useful. People just died for me." She shook her head this time. "No, that's not true. They didn't die for you. They died for the world. For everyone. To give humanity a chance at a better tomorrow. This isn't your fault. None of it. The battle has been in the works for years. All you did was give the witches a push to get it started. Remember that, okay? It's not your fault. See you in a couple of days." With that, she leaned towards me and pressed her lips softly to my cheek. She leaned back, smiled, and started to fade out until there was no hint of her existence. "Fuck this," I muttered. I opened the door again and walked outside, straight to the dock that hung out over the water. It was peaceful out here. The birds were chirping, the sun was shining, causing diamonds to scatter across the water's surface, and the wind was blowing gently. A perfect day. Except it was the worst day of my life. I wasn't sure how long I stood out there. I lost track of time. Could've been hours, or even minutes. I was lost inside my own head, thinking of everything that went wrong and everything I could've done differently to ensure Anna's safety. "I didn't even get to give her the stupid bear," I grumbled, as I scuffed my shoe on the wood of the dock. Why hadn't I just given her the damn bear the night we got home? No, not me. I had decided to hide it and keep it, until the most perfect moment. I shook my head at my own idiocy. There was no such thing as a perfect moment. I knew that. You had to take chances and go for it. Now or never. I guess it would be never. I chuckled humorlessly to myself. "Colby!" I turned towards Sam's voice and saw him walking out of the large glass home, hand in hand with Katrina. Sam was going to get his happy ever after. Why couldn't I? No, I wasn't going to do that. I would never begrudge Sam his happiness, or Katrina hers. Bad shit happened. That was just life. "Hey, dude," he said, walking up to me. He reached up to fix his hair with his fingers. "Yeah?" I asked, morosely. "You ready to go home, or do you need to stay a little longer?" he asked, hesitantly. I looked out at the diamond glittered water one more time, then back up to the empty glass house. It was truly for the dead now. I met Sam's gaze and shook my head. "No. There's nothing left for me here. We should go." My voice sounded dead and emotionless. It should've scared me, but it didn't. I felt nothing but the intense pain in my chest, where my heart used to be. I walked past my two best friends, towards my car. When I climbed in, I made the mistake of glancing over to the passenger seat. The seat where Anna had been sitting hours earlier. I saw something in the floorboard, so I reached down to pick it up. I felt the piece of paper between my fingers and brought it up to see what it was. My breath caught in my throat, threatening to choke me again. It was nothing drastic. People had trash in their car all the time, left by themselves or their passengers. A simple empty torn package of Pop Rocks should not have made me feel like I was dying, but it did. I gulped in air, vaguely wondering why my car completely lacked oxygen. It was like no matter how much air I sucked in, I still couldn't get enough to stop the breathless feeling that was beginning to overwhelm me. Sam opened the passenger door and climbed in, while Kat climbed in the back. I still couldn't stop. There was some kind of wailing sound trying to escape my lips, only I couldn't get enough air in my lungs, so it just came out in these short gasps. "Colby?" Sam asked. I couldn't look at or acknowledge him at all. My focus stayed on the stupid torn candy paper that was between my fingers. "Hey, are you okay?" he asked. I didn't react until he clapped one hand on my shoulder, then took the torn paper from me with the other. "No, no, no," I said, sounding like a damn parrot or something. "Give it b-back, g-give it b-back," I gasped out, reaching for the stupid piece of trash. "Colby, it's just garbage. What's wrong?" he asked. "It's Anna's," Katrina whispered to him, from the backseat. "Really?" Sam asked. I guess that Kat nodded or something. I didn't know because my eyes wouldn't move away from that stupid little piece of trash. "Colby, it's not her. It's just paper. Trash." I shook my head and moved to take it from him. "It's hers. It's hers," I mumbled. I could hear how stupid I sounded, but I needed that paper. For some reason, I just had to have it. It was like a lost piece of her. The only thing I had left. Logically, I knew that wasn't true. Her things were in hotel room and at the house. I had her things. I could choose from any of that to hold on too, but no. I chose a damn piece of empty candy paper. I was losing it. He let me take it from his hand freely and didn't say anything else. I took the paper and folded it, then put it inside my jacket pocket. I had to keep it safe. I didn't say anything else to Sam and Kat, and they didn't say anything to me. It had to be the quietest ride I had ever had with those two. I drove the miles back to the hotel so that we could get our things. Once we made it up to our room, Sam sat down on his bed. "Guess we should just get it over with and pack. I really just want to sleep though." He groaned and lay back on the bed. I went straight to my bag and started walking around the room, shoving my things into it without looking at what they were. I noticed when my hands were grab something of Anna's to shove in the bag, but my brain would immediately reject it and shut off. It didn't matter who's stuff it was. I was just packing to go home. It didn't matter who's stuff it was, I was just packing to go home. I repeated this mantra in my head, over and over again, until I was sure the room was clean of my things. I couldn't think "our" things. I just couldn't, so I didn't.