Into the Light

173

I had secretly liked it, but I wasn't going to tell her that. No, I had denied it wholeheartedly, then set in to tickling her when she kept jokingly calling me a liar. The memory was replaced with a quick, sharp pain right in my chest. The sucking wound had grown bigger again, devouring the happy memory, turning it sad and ugly. I should've just admitted that I liked the stupid movie. What would that have hurt? My pride? No, not really. My image? No, because she would've been the only one to know. Unless she told Kat and Kat told Sam and Sam told every other friend we had. That was possible I guess...but not the reason I didn't tell her. It was just a game. That was the reason. If I had, then we wouldn't have been able to have our faux argument, and I wouldn't have been able to tickle her until she cried tears of laughter. It was just a game. I should've told her. I didn't bother taking a shower, although I was covered in dirt and grass from the clearing. My body ached and screamed at me, if I moved too quickly. I walked slowly back over to my bed and crawled into it. I lay flat on my back and linked my hands behind my head. I should probably try to sleep, but I had a feeling that wouldn't be possible. If I did happen to pass out, then nightmares would definitely find me. I lay there a while, just staring at the ceiling, trying not to think of Anna. Only, when I actively tried not to think of her, she was all I thought of. The image of her smiling at me, that bright, beautiful smile that lit up an entire room, with her emerald eyes holding secrets that only I knew, wouldn't stay out of my head. No matter what I tried to think of to get her to go away, she always came back. "UUGH," I groaned loudly, and sat up. My body protested the quick movements, but I ignored the pain, and swung my legs over the side of the bed. I couldn't do this. How did anyone get over this? Yes, I had lost people before, but this was different. I had been to young to fully remember the pain that a small child had when he lost his grandmother. I had lost a good friend a couple of years ago, and that hurt like hell, but nothing like this. This felt like I had lost a piece of my very soul. An emptiness that was threatening to devour me whole, followed with the sharp pains that stabbed through me, with each memory. I stood and dragged my feet over to my closet. I had no idea why I was doing this. What good was it going to do me? Still, I needed it. I opened the door and went straight to the pile of clothes that I had hid the talking bear under. The Teddy Ruxpin that Anna had adored when we were at that little throwback place. I had been waiting for the perfect time and now there would never be one. I had to take the damn thing with me, when I left to go back to Ash's in a couple of days. It was hers and it would stay with her. Ash...I wondered if he had seen her, talked to her since it happened. I didn't think to ask Barbie to ask him. I'm sure he would've said something to me if he had though. No, he couldn't have seen her. I picked up the stupid bear and went to walk back out of my closet. Something at the foot of my clothes rack, next to the footstool, caught my eyes. Porcelain features, with dark raven hair and open emerald green staring eyes. Without thinking about it, I grabbed the doll with my free hand and carried her and the bear back to my bed with me. Was I really about to cuddle and damn teddy bear and a porcelain doll? Yes, yes I was and I didn't give a shit if someone saw me. I knew I wouldn't be sleeping but these two items might help me feel closer to Anna. I sat down and crossed my legs, then picked up the doll and looked at it. It looked the same as it always had. The jean jacket and the flowy white skirt, the thick raven colored hair, and the shining emerald eyes. I remembered back to when I had first seen those eyes. They were the only thing that I had been able to see in the total darkness that had engulfed that horrible house. I remembered thinking that I was going crazy because I could hear a doll talking to me. I could see life in her eyes. I thought it was cursed and that I needed to be admitted to a mental institution immediately. I remembered how amazed I had been when she became solid for the first time. I remembered so many little things. The way her lips felt on mine the first time we had kissed. The urgency she had, but the resistance that she put up. A sob escaped my throat, as I held the doll. "Damn it, Anna, I miss you so fucking much," I sobbed quietly. "It hasn't even been a day without you. How am I supposed to do this? I can't just go back to my life before you. It was bland. No color to be found. When I met you, it blossomed into this amazing life that I couldn't get enough of." The doll didn't move, didn't blink, and it held no hint of life in it's glass eyes. I sighed and put the doll down gently against the other pillow on my bed. Then I picked up the bear. I turned him around and hit the play button. His eyes started blinking and his mouth started to move, as he said my message to Anna in my voice. I would never get to tell her those things now. There was a soft knock on my door, so I rolled my eyes and called out. "What?" "Hey Colby, we're gonna order some food. Do you want anything?" Sam asked gently. "No, I'm good. Thanks though," I replied. "You sure?" he asked, again. "Yes Sam, I'm sure. I'm not hungry," I replied with annoyance. "Okay then," he sighed. I heard his shuffling steps, as he walked away from my door. I knew he was just checking up on me, and I would do the same if he were in my shoes, but right then, he was just annoying me. I was fine. I was alive. Anna wasn't. It was what it was. Time heals everything, right? I shook my head at my thoughts and tossed the bear back onto the bed. "FUCK, I JUST WANT TO SLEEP!" I yelled.