Into the Light

175

"Hey, Colby," he said, gently, and I knew. Sam had told him about Anna. Maybe not exactly what had happened, but he definitely knew something. "Yeah?" I asked, in an annoyed breath, without turning back around. "I'm sorry about Anna. It's just so terrible...with her being so young, ya know? I just- I'm sorry," he stammered out. I nodded, just one quick jerk of my head, without turning around. "Here if you need me, man," he added. This time I ignored him and started walking back up the stairs. I could feel his eyes on me, but I didn't dare look. The pity that I knew I would see would just be too much. When I got back inside the safety of the solitude that my room warranted me, I set the food down on the coffee table and went to moving Anna's clothes so that I could sit down. I tried not to look at what I was touching but that was hard to do. Most of these clothes, she never even got the chance to wear. I guess I could see if any of the girls wanted them. I dropped the last bit of clothes on the opposite end of the couch and rubbed my chest again. There was that damn pain again. I sat and looked over to the pile of clothes that I had just moved. Again, wracking sobs hit me out of the blue. I couldn't breathe. All I could do was suck in short gasps of air, and pray it was enough to keep me from passing out. I grabbed the couch cushion I was sitting on tightly and tried to concentrate on catching my breath. It was no use though. I was going to have to wait it out. I knew that I was crying when my eyesight got blurry. I grabbed one of the small couch pillows and stuffed it in my mouth, to keep the sound of my sobs down. I didn't need anyone finding me like this. If Sam came in here to try to comfort me, I may never stop crying. I'm not sure how long I sat there, with tears streaming down my face, and a pillow stuffed in my mouth. It felt like forever. When it was finally over, my chest was sore and my throat ached. I leaned back and let out a shaky breath. God, how long was I going to be this way? I knew it had barely been a day, but it was just so damn painful. It felt like it would never end. Part of my soul would always be with her. I looked at the plate of food that sat on my table and contemplated eating. No, I wasn't hungry now. I felt kind of nauseated, actually. I sighed and lay down on the couch.  I just wished there was something that I could do. Something to feel useful, to keep my mind occupied. I could try and film a video...nah, there was no way I'd be able to fake my way through it. My channel was suffering and I knew it. Hell, I couldn't even remember the last time we had posted on the duo channel. It seemed like a really long time. I wasn't ready to pack up her things just yet. Way too soon for that. I glanced around my room and took in the disaster area that it was. Clothes thrown everywhere, over the back of the couch, on the floor, across the footboard of my bed, on my dresser. There were a few bottles of water lying around and I didn't even know how long it had been since I had cleaned out my mini-fridge. I could clean up my room, I guess. I stood up and started gathering my clothes up that were lying around everywhere. I avoided the pile that was Anna's, pretending that it wasn't there. I turned on some music, but immediately turned it right back off. Nope. There was way too many sad songs for me to even chance it. After the clothes were tucked away in the hamper in my bathroom, I changed my sheets and made my bed. I completed every menial task that I possibly could, thinking only about the next chore. I was finished way too quickly. Only an hour had passed and my room was spotless. I groaned loudly and sat down heavily on the arm of my couch. What in the fuck was I supposed to do now? I pulled my phone out again and fell backwards onto the couch, so that I was lying down with my legs thrown over the arm. I pulled up my socials and scrolled through the mindless chatter that was available to me. There was a party tonight that Brennen wanted me to go to tonight. When had I even spoken to him last? The trip with Anna, I think. I texted him back and told him no thanks, that I wasn't really feeling it. Sam had texted a few times, in the past two hours, checking in on me. He had heard me crying. Great. Wonderful. I guess I could just be grateful that he didn't come into my room. Finally, I gave up on my phone and tossed it behind me on the couch. There was only one other thing that I knew to do. Sleep...and I needed help with that. I got up and went straight to the pill bottle that I had gotten from before. The logical side of my brain was yelling at me, telling me that this wasn't the way to do it, but I ignored it. It wasn't like I was taking them for fun. I just wanted to sleep, to escape the pain for just a little while. I wasn't going to keep doing this. I just needed them one more time. Again, I tossed two of them back and chased them with some water. I could try to help speed up the process by chasing them with the bottle of Jack Daniels that I had in my closet...but that was probably pushing it. I went back to my couch, set my laptop up with something mindless to watch, and lay down on my side. It wasn't long before I felt the same familiar heaviness settle in and darkness claimed me once again. I was groggy when I opened my eyes the next morning. My arm was tucked under my head and was numb. I stretched it out and groaned when the pins and needles set in from it being asleep for so long. I sat up and worked it until the feeling left. I sighed and leaned over to put my head in my hands. Today was the day. We had to go back to Ash's place. We had to bury them. I didn't care if Barbie said Ash wanted us to wait longer. I wasn't. I couldn't keep putting this off. It had to be taken care. I couldn't just leave her body to...decay on a damned couch.