Beneath The Shadows (BXB)

Chapter 64

Ryder's POV

I stared at the hands that was holding him a while ago. I wanted to rip out my heart to make this miserable pain go away. I slid down to the ground and propped my arms on knees, casting my head down.

I clutched my chest with a hand and frowned. It hurt to breathe. Was it like this to feel pain? To feel... heartache?

"Because underneath all that, you're afraid that if you let yourself to be totally, wholeheartedly, and genuinely in love with me, you'll never be able to put all the pieces back if ever I'll be gone."

I didn't realize it at first, but he was right. I was afraid. Not of us. But of the fact that if one day he'll be gone, I wouldn't know how to live anymore. I wouldn't know how to fill all those gaps that he left.

Everytime I looked at him, my chest feels like it was about to burst so I anchored it. In the nights that he slept, I couldn't help but feel he was vulnerable as I looked at him. The little smile on his lips as he snuggled into my chest.

I love him. I fucking do.

But I couldn't push myself to say it because if I did, there will be no turning back. Right now he owned my heart, mind, and my body.

But if I said those three words then he would own my fucking soul.

"Ask yourself, Ryder. Are you doing this so you could redeem yourself to the past you weren't able to save?"

Was I ready to bring down the final wall I kept putting up? Was I ready to risk feeling the pain of loss as I did my family? Would I survive it a second time?

"Fuck."

I barked out a defeated laugh and stood up. The world was blurry as I stoically stood up and grabbed the bottle of whiskey stashed in my shelf.

I unscrewed it and took a drink.

Anything was better than this. Than feeling his absence. Because I know that whatever I do, nothing can replace the peace he set in me.

*****

The next day

Kayne's POV

I knocked multiple times and called out to Ryder to open the door but even after a couple minutes passed, there was no reply.

"Just open the door. I'm sure Ryder's not banging him after everything that happened." Natalie commented and I muttered under my breath.

As soon as I opened the door, my nose scrunched up in disgust.

"Why in the flying fuck does it smell like booze in here?"

"Hey, Ryder!" I shouted and scanned their living room to look for him. I noticed that the lights were still on and lots of shit was scattered everywhere.

"Where is he?" I asked Natalie as I opened the door to the bathroom and looked at the balcony.

"I literally just got here with you. I don't know. Go check in their room." She responded, and I looked at her with disbelief when she shooed me away.

"Hey Ry-" I stopped short when I saw him.

There was no fucking way. He looked like shit.

"Oh, hell no." His eyes were void of life and slightly red at the corners. His hair and clothes were disheveled, and bottles of whiskey littered their bedroom.

He looked miserable.

"What? What's- Oh. Oh." Natalie came from behind me and her mouth gaped open when she saw him.