Shorter Than Me

8 Levi

She closes the door. Goosebumps appear on my arms so I shut the window. I run my fingers over the clean smooth surface of my desk. I see the corner, broken slightly, and all in one instant, I remember every emotion and every action that came with that broken corner.

***

I lay awake one night. There was no tiredness in me. I couldn't sleep. She was on my mind. She had been on my mind ever since she left.

I kept staring at the black ceiling, praying with all my heart for her to come back. If I needed one thing in all my life it was for her to come back.

The more I thought about it, the more convinced I was that she would come back. The more I became convinced of it, the more I was persuaded that she was gone forever. I had seen her body thrown off the wagon. I watched her fall. I touched her cold cheek. I saw her broken.

It broke my heart when I saw her. I was able to push it away, to control my anger, until I was in private. I had no idea she would leave. I had no idea things would get out of hand. I thought she could take care of herself. I thought she would be fine for the short time I left her. I had faith in her abilities.

But I didn't count on her bravery. I didn't count on her wanting to risk her life to let Jaeger escape. I didn't know.

Ignorance. My ignorance was what killed her. I shouldn't have let her leave my side. I should have, I could have, I would have, had I known.

But I didn't know.

And she died for nothing.

She died for absolutely nothing.

My pillow flopped uselessly against the wall, piquing my anger and making me grab the table beside my bed and throw it at the wall.

It ebbed some of the pain destroying my heart, so I did it again. I slammed the little table against the wall until the leg snapped off and I saw her DEAD.

I ran into the next room, my office, and threw the first thing that touched my hands, a chair, as hard as I could. It crashed into something and more of the pain ebbed, though even more took its place.

It was too late. I was driven. I wanted to break something. I wanted to destroy something with as much strength as I could muster. I grabbed the edge of my desk and swung myself around until it hit the wall with a slightly satisfying slam.

But it still wasn't enough. I needed to hurt something more. I needed to distract my heart from its impossible shattered love.

I sunk to my knees and pounded the floor with a fist.

I wanted

to

break

my

arm.

I needed

to

hurt

myself.

I pleaded with every slam for the

pain

to

go

away.

Just

go

away.

I would have kept hitting the floor until my arm broke had it not been for the onslaught of tears pouring from my heart. They stormed out of my eyes and down my cheeks in an angry stampede. I threw my head back and opened my mouth to scream.

No sound came out, of course. I was screaming as loud as I could for her. My chest was being torn open and something was being ripped from me. My chest heaved with the exertion and my heart

my heart

was taken from me. It was hacked from my body in jagged, angry cuts. I finally collapsed on my back and lay on the hard floor that I couldn't feel.

But I could feel the complete emptiness, the hole in my chest where the most important part of me was missing.

I heaved for breaths from damaged lungs.

But silently.

Silently, the tears flowed down my cheeks and onto the floor.

Silently, my mind screamed for someone to give me my heart back.

Silently, my fingernails dug into hands clenched too tight.

Silently, blood dripped from my fists, stinging water dripped from my closed eyes, some unknown liquid of life flowed freely from the gaping hole in me.

I pressed my hands against my head, attempting to shove the thoughts back in much too deep, trying to keep the roaring sound at bay.

But silently.

So silently.

***

Oh my gosh. My heart hurts. I actually screamed (silently) like he did so I could describe the pain (which in no way can compare with his) and ow! That has to be bad for you. Am I going to have a heart attack now? It still hurts!

I feel bad for Levi. It's so sad.

I was going to end the chapter there, but I'm going to write some more.

I had fallen asleep on the floor and gotten an hour of sleep before waking up and going to the bathroom. I refused to look at my face until I had washed it. I also discovered four crescent-shaped cuts on each of my palms from my nails. I then got dressed, made my bed, and walked into my office. I looked at it in disgust. I got a wet towel to wipe the blood off the floor and then pulled my desk upright and back into its position. It felt heavier than it had the night before. I set the chairs upright and looked around for more disorder. I noticed a chip in the corner of the desk.

My forearm had bruises all over it and I was grateful for the long sleeves of the uniform, though every movement of my arm and anything touching it caused pain to shoot through the bone, muscle, and anything else.

I took a few deep breaths before exiting, and was met by four concerned faces. Hanji pushed past me and barged into the room, but she found it neat and spotless. The rest were concerned, but I claimed I had heard the noises in the night as well and didn't know what they were.

I didn't have any other moments like that night. It had released a lot of emotion all at once and, since that was so foreign to me, it hurt a lot.