Shorter Than Me

26 Ecyn

As I tell my squad what Commander Erwin told me, I can't help thinking that Briine is more relieved than the rest of us. I avoid eye contact with him.

"Why did he want us to do that?" Qui asks.

"He said it was because I'm inexperienced and young."

"We're lucky," Fellip says. "How many Scouts would wish they were in this squad?"

"Don't tell anyone," I order. "They don't need to know."

I get nods of agreement from them all.

Training and getting to know everyone in my squad is a little difficult, but all of us have done it before, so it's easier than I thought it would be. Briine keeps catching me watching him. I don't even realize what I'm doing until he gives me a questioning look. Then I look away.

I guess I'm watching him because I'm trying to see some of the coward I know is in there. He doesn't act like he's afraid. He acts like a normal Scout. Either he's changed or he's very good at hiding himself. Is it because of all those years of practice with me?

Thinking about him always makes me sad, so I make an effort to stop looking at him.

Fellip, just as I guessed, is the strongest of us. He can cut the deepest grooves in the practice titans' napes. He's not extremely fast, but about average. He also laughs a lot. At least we'll have a comedian on the expedition.

Qui is good at being flexible because of her good balance and reflexes. She said it attributes to the four younger siblings who would always try to drag her off balance for fun.

Jewel has extremely fast reactions. Once, when her aim was a little off, she missed a tree. All she did was turn the fall into a spin, and she was able to kill the fake titan anyway. I made sure to praise her for it.

Briine is also strong, but he's smaller and faster than Fellip. He's not as strong, but he's better than I remember. Maybe he'll be more confident this time. If I had to choose the least-skilled Scout in my squad, I think it would be Briine. But maybe that's biased. I don't know.

I try to make sure I don't let anyone know I like Briine less than the rest of them. I don't treat him differently, but I don't treat him like a friend either. Qui asks me about it after practice one day.

"Captain, can I ask you something?"

"Yes."

"Did something happen with you and Briine, ma'am?" I don't know if I'll ever get used to people calling me ma'am.

The question stops me for a second. What do I say? I can't tell her the real reason we're not friends anymore. I can tell her part of it. "As long as you don't tell anyone else, I'll tell you, alright?"

She nods. "I won't tell anyone, ma'am." I know her well enough to trust her with this.

"He told me he loved me like... you know." She nods. "And I didn't really share the same feelings. And after the whole thing with Dren..." I shrug.

Her expression turns sympathetic. "I'm sorry." She reaches out and hugs me. Then she steps back awkwardly. "Sorry, Captain."

"It's alright," I assure her. "When you're my friend like this, you don't have to call me Captain. Just in front of other people."

She smiles. "Well in that case," she hugs me again, tighter this time, "I'm sorry, Ecyn."

Her reaction makes me smile and hug her back. Then I thank her, and we continue on our way back.

She points to fifty feet ahead of us where Jewel and a boy from another squad are moving through the trees right next to each other. I can't remember his name.

"It looks like Dappa and Kash are having fun together," Qui laughs.

Dappa Jewel. That's her name. Just to clarify.

Kash Arrow. That was his name. Just for fun, I yell to them, "Jewel, Arrow, don't get too close or your cables will get tangled together! Don't want you two falling to your deaths!" They both glance back at us and then move apart. Qui laughs with me.

***

It's too soon when the day before the expedition comes. It's always too soon for good people to die.

No one knows what's going to happen. Maybe Briine will die. Maybe Qui or Jewel or Arrow or Fellip will die. Maybe the commander will die. I'm pretty sure Ackerman won't die. I might die. Then I'd never come home ever again. I'll just be a rag doll, tossed around by titans. Or I'll be in a titan's stomach before being vomited back up. Maybe I'll severed in half or lose a limb. Maybe I'll be paralyzed. Maybe I'll lose a part of me.

The depressed thoughts draw everyone into the dining hall tonight. It's one thing I love about the Scouting Legion. Sadness brings us together. Loss pushes us closer. Our lives make us a family.

Our deaths make us a proud memory.

Yay! I say that every time, don't I? Haha! Well this is sad and all, and I'm kind of dragging it out and making you wait, but it will be worth it. Probably.

(P.S. sorry for the wait. I hope it wasn't excruciating or anything. And if it was, I'm sorry again.)