Shorter Than Me

14 Ecyn

I don't participate in training for the next week. It gives me a lot of time to think. A lot of time.

I think about Dren and his sister and his aunt. I think about the rest of the Scouts that died and their families. Everyone's sad. There's so much death.

And then there's Captain Levi who doesn't care about anyone or anything except himself. I haven't seen him since he walked away.

Briine has visited me at least once a day. Our conversations aren't awkward, at least for me. He seems to enjoy himself. There's always some cloud behind his eyes though. I can tell. I wish I could take it away, but every time I try to imagine how I could love him like he wants me to, I'm reminded of Dren and how I lost him way too soon.

***

It's been ten days since I was diagnosed with Titan Fever. I feel like I'm going to loose all my skills just sitting here. Lerra started letting me walk around with Briine outside for an hour each day.

"Lerra said I could probably be able to train in a few days." We walk across the grass outside. It's a sunny day and there's no training today.

"Really?"

"Yes. I'm glad. I've felt horrible for the past few days, waking up sweating gallons, feeling weak all the time. I'm excited to actually be doing something."

"I wish you'd be sick for another week."

"Why?" I ask, confused.

"They're doing another expedition soon. I don't know what kind. Commander Erwin just told everyone yesterday. I guess you didn't hear."

"No, I didn't. And you don't know anything else?" I'm a little excited for another expedition, but also not. More deaths will come.

"No. He didn't even tell us the date."

"Why so secretive?" I wonder.

"I don't know." He shrugs, and we walk in silence for a few minutes as I process this information.

"Are you scared?" I ask.

"Scared of what?"

"Of going. Of dying."

"Yes. Are you?"

"I guess. I know I can kill titans and I can get away, but there's always a chance to die. A very big chance."

"If you knew you were going to die, for certain, would you still go out and fight? Or would you stay behind and hide?" Briine asks after a pause.

"I don't know." I contemplate my answer. "I joined the military to give my life to their cause. I joined the Scouts to make the biggest impact. If spending my last minutes fighting is how I'm going to die, I'm willing to die."

"Oh," is all he says. I expect him to say more, but he doesn't.

"What about you?"

He opens his mouth, but doesn't speak for a second. "I don't know," he finally says. "I want to think I would, but..." He trails off.

"But what?" I prompt.

"But I think I'd be too scared." He stops walking and I turn to face him, confused. "Do you remember when we were in town and you were talking to the kids?"

"Yes, I do."

"You said that you thought the bravest people humanity had to offer were in the Scouting Legion. You meant that right?"

"Of course I did."

He just nods and avoids my eyes, staring at the ground. I'm about to speak again, but he takes a deep breath. "Ecyn, I need to tell you something." He keeps looking down.

"What?" I ask warily.

"On the last expedition, they told everyone to attack all the titans below us." He pauses for a few seconds and I wait. He keeps avoiding eye contact and I feel like this is something bad. Maybe he saw one of our friends die. "Instead of going with everyone else, I... hid near the tops of the trees."

He what? "What?"

"You agree with me don't you? You'd rather I be alive than dead. I did the right thing," he insists, now looking at me.

"You..." I'm at a loss for words. I'm glad he's alive but... he's a coward. A selfish coward. "Yes of course I'd rather you be alive but... you can't do that!" My voice rises in volume and I don't give him a chance to respond. "Other people died! Dren died!"

"Yes. And it broke your heart! How was him dying the right thing?"

"He died trying to save people. He died bravely!" I yell.

"He died!"

"He died for something."

"For what? Only a few people care about him! To everyone else, he's just a number!"

"He's a person. So are they all!"

"Yes! He was my friend too. I'm not saying I don't care about him-"

"You hid while everyone else fought! You were selfish! How could you?" I exclaim.

"I wanted to stay alive! I would have died!"

"There was a better chance of you surviving than dying! How could you have been such a coward!" I mean for my words to hurt him and I see that they have.

"I know I was a coward! You don't have to tell me!" he looks away.

"You shouldn't have done that!"

"No one wants to die, Ecyn! I was making sure I didn't!"

"There are people who gave their lives for the good of humanity! That's the right thing to do! What you did is just selfish and wrong!"

"And Dren dying? Was that wrong? Tell me you don't wish he hadn't died! Tell me you're happy that he's not here!" He takes a step forward. I want to back away, but I don't. He has made me far more angry than I could have believed.

"I can't! I wish Dren was here!" A thought comes to mind and I let it out because all I want to do is hurt him. "I wish you had died instead of Dren!" I scream.

His expression grows shocked, then hurt. When I can't bear it any longer, I hurl myself around and run back to the building.

I burst into the empty infirmary and collapse on the bed I've occupied my entire time here. The short run has left me exhausted and shaking, or maybe it was the fight.

I don't push back the tears now that I'm alone.

I try to remember the Briine from our childhood, but all it brings up is pain because I realize how I saw him in such a wrong way. When he said he wanted to kill a bunch of titans, he really meant that he wanted to be able to. When he joined the Scouts to "dedicate his life to humanity," it was all a lie. He isn't the brave boy I knew from years ago. He's a self-centered coward.

And did he expect me to love him?

I don't know exactly how long I spend crying and cursing myself for somehow being so blind, but eventually a blissful sleep envelops me and I can forget everything.

Nooooooooooo! Briine! How could you???

:'(

Yeah get mad at me.

:D

Anyway, I'm excited for the next chapter. Aren't you? I have something special planned. :)