Shorter Than Me

29 Levi

Another quiet month passes. Hanji stays with the captured titans for a few days at a time. One of them is killed in the night like the previous two she had, but the criminal escaped before he could be caught. An investigation commences, but no one is found guilty.

Guiin approaches me multiple times to ask for advice about squads, expeditions, making decisions, and other things. She asks me specifically how I would handle certain situations. As far as I know, I'm the only one she talks to about it. Either I'm the only one she trusts or feels comfortable with, or I'm the one she thinks will give the best advice. It's clear she respects me and I find it hard to remember the inexperienced little girl I trained just a few months ago. She's a good Scout and, from what I can see, a good squad leader as well. She's still trying to learn and she doesn't have pride issues where she doesn't want to ask for help. I have noticed she lets her squad call her by her first name, but only when they're alone. They slip up a few times. It's a good strategy for a young squad leader to connect with their squad. Or maybe she wasn't thinking about the strategy. Maybe she just wanted a lack of barrier between her and her friends. That wasn't the case for me with my last squad. I was still close to them, but I was separate. They knew the most about me, but even that wasn't a lot. Only Petra knew everything. I realized I was just starting to open up more to them when the door slammed shut and locked itself in my face. Then I walked away from it, because I was the one who closed the door.

The pain I used to feel for them has dulled considerably. It doesn't hit me as hard or as often any more. I still sometimes feel the empty hole in my chest, but sometimes I go days without even thinking about them.

Of course, I think about Petra every day. She's the void there every time I fall asleep or look for my squad in the dining hall. The letters still hiding in my desk, because I couldn't bear to remove them after Hanji's mess, haunt me every time I walk past them. It's like they're radiating a feeling that needs to be felt, but I learned a long time ago that not every feeling needs to be felt. Just because I don't feel for her doesn't mean I won't remember her. I will never forget her.

She's always that lingering ache in the back of my heart. I always feel her there, that last vestige of her soul she gave to me. I always feel it pulling me downward, threatening but never succeeding in driving me toward devastation. I'm stronger than that.

It surprises me that Guiin talks to me so much, at least four times a week. I didn't know one person could have so many questions, but none of them were stupid questions, thankfully.

And one time I could swear she almost smiled after thanking me for answering her one time. At first, it seemed like she was getting more comfortable talking to me, stuttering and hesitating significantly less, but it stopped and started reversing itself. I have a lot of time to think, and trying to figure out her motives is one of my pastimes. I don't do it on purpose, but my mind wanders when I don't keep it in check. She definitely hasn't tried to confront me about anything she might have seen on my papers, but I'm willing to bet she's curious. Who wouldn't be? The great Levi Ackerman's secrets spilled on the floor for all to see.

I should burn the papers in my drawer. The letters, the recruitment forms, my personal information. The Commander has copies of most of them, everything but the letters. It's locked in a filing cabinet somewhere. Hanji wouldn't dare break into his office and his filing cabinet to throw papers around when it wouldn't annoy him as much as it did me.

The Commander announces that we'll be going on yet another expedition six weeks after the last one. It's going to be another expedition at night, like Guiin's first expedition. Later in the day after the announcement, Guiin approaches me and asks for any advice I have about managing a squad in the dark.

"Just know your squad members' limitations. The dark is almost easier, but pay attention when the Scouting Legion practices at night. We're probably going to be standing there most of the time like last time."