Shorter Than Me

30 Levi

Once she leaves, I walk to my bedroom and sit on my bed. She looked so confused. She had every right to be. It was all my fault. Why the hell did I kiss her? Am I trying to turn her into Petra? Am I trying to cope or something? I thought I was over it, or close to being over it. Then I just go and do this. I'm not going to project Petra onto Guiin. That's not fair to Guiin, and it would be pretty messed up of me. I'm already pretty messed up.

I just kissed someone and then told them to forget about it. But what else could I do? I can't just start a deeper relationship with her. I don't even know how I could. Or with anyone, really. I'm not one for brash decisions, but of all the decisions I've made this was probably the worst.

There is no way Guiin could find feelings for me. Honestly, she probably hates me now. That's the way I like it. Hate I can deal with.

For a second, I wonder if she'll tell anybody about it. If she tells Hanji, I would probably strangle both of them. She won't, though. Nobody would believe her. Even if they did, they could never prove it. She's smart enough to know telling people won't do anything.

***

I make sure I don't glance in her direction at breakfast. If she sees me glancing anywhere in her direction, it will make it harder for her to ignore what happened on the expedition. I realize I probably ruined any kind of mutual tolerance we had for each other. Not that she needs it. She has her squad now. She's lost lots of people, but she still has lots of people. She doesn't need me. It's the same for every Scout. Maybe she'll find a tall handsome Scout to kiss and make the memory of me slide farther and farther back in her mind.

Thanks for reading and thanks for your comments.