Shorter Than Me

28 Levi

She closes the door. She seemed surprised at the fact that I thanked her. I don't usually thank people, but I did tonight. Cleaning Hanji's mess would have taken me a lot longer to complete if I was alone. Despite my gratitude, her attempts at conversation were still annoying. She wanted to know who Petra was. She wanted to know about me. I just hope she didn't see anything I want to keep secret about myself, meaning everything. The fact that I'm from the Underground, I have a criminal record, I was recruited with two of my partners in crime, Commander Erwin recruited me, everyone I cared about was killed by titans, I don't care about anyone anymore. I hope she didn't read the letters she handed me. They all ended with "Love, Petra." Guiin had better not start to pry into my personal life now that she's been through my papers and love letters. And she shouldn't tell anyone either.

A moment of panic that my secrets could be unleashed is quickly snuffed out by the thought that I can trust her. She's not the type to gossip about things she knows barely anything about. And she would respect my privacy. I saw her exaggerating the fact that she wasn't reading the letter when she handed it to me. She wanted me to know I could trust her to respect the secrets I want hidden. She's better than most. Many Scouts would jump at the chance to rifle through my papers, trying to sneak a glance at some of the words when they think I'm not looking. I'm the odd one with more secrets. The ones with secrets are always the ones to target. They want the Scouting Legion to be an open place. The more secrets you share, the closer you get to people.

Loss of respect is all I would get. If they knew I used to be a criminal, stole the maneuver gear I learned to be excellent with, actually planned on killing the Commander, even though he was only a captain at the time, I would no longer be "Humanity's Strongest Soldier." I would be the Scout who's the best with the maneuver gear and doesn't die, even when everyone else does. Word would leak to the government, and I would probably be put on trial. My contributions to humanity would help me win, but then everyone would know about me. I wouldn't be a mystery, I would be the uncertainty, the one no one can trust.

People would come up to me and pretend they knew how I felt, loosing my friends, but they don't know. No one knows. Maybe they can relate, maybe their mother passed away recently, but that's not their fault. Let them feel what it's like to leave someone just to come back and find them dead. When you could have stayed and kept them safe. When there's no doubt they would still be with you if you just hadn't left them, hadn't trusted them to take care of themselves. They don't know, but they'd try. And it would drive me insane.

No one would trust me anymore either. I'd be the shady, secretive criminal rather than the shady, secretive hero. I don't want to be a hero, but people can be stupid. If they know I'm a criminal, they'll act differently around me and decide I'm a different person than I was before now that they know more about me. Hanji knows, but she doesn't care. The Commander knows, but we understand each other. And he knows me. He knows I'm loyal to him and the Scouting Legion. He knows about all the people who have died. He knows who I am and what I used to be, and still treats me like a regular person. I know he's not afraid of me like most people, but if there were more people like him who could understand me, and they knew me, they wouldn't be scared of me.

I'm fine just the way it is now. I'm strong and respected. No one bothers me except Hanji. I'm not bored, and I don't feel like I need to be doing more with my life. I have a good squad. I have a son in the forest who is being taken care of.

All that's missing is Petra.

Hey, I've just started a collab with xXCrystalRainXx called Not of this World. If you're into teen fiction with a bit of love and extra terrestrials, I'd appreciate if you went to either her profile or mine (reading list: Collab Stories) and gave the book a shot. Just the first chapter is up so far, but more are coming soon. Thanks.