Shorter Than Me

23 Levi

Only a month passed before she started finding me and talking to me. It was only little things. How was I doing? Do I like the weather? What do I think of the newest recruits? I'd give her short answers, hoping she'd go away, but also hoping she'd keep doing it. I knew I didn't want to get close to her. The last time I had been close to people, I left and they died. That always happened. It was never something I could control. But if I had just gone faster, I could have saved them.

She kept seeking me out. I thought there must have been something there for her to want to pursue me with so much dedication. I also became aware at how rude I was. I came to hate that look she'd give me when I made an excuse to leave. The more I thought about it, the more it bothered me. The more it bothered me, the more I thought about it. I couldn't not think about it.

So eventually, I said hello.

Her face lit up so much it actually surprised me. It died down after a second, but then she smiled and said, "Hello, sir," back.

Then she waited for me to start a conversation. I had subconsciously wrestled with this decision for a week and when I finally convinced myself to do it, I had no idea what else to say.

But she saved me. "How are you, sir?"

"I'm fine. You?"

"I'm good, sir." I looked in her eyes. I could tell she was happy I was talking to her, but there was something else. Something bad. Every part of me screamed not to bring it up.

"Are you?"

She looked surprised and baffled. I regretted asking, but it was done. "Yes, sir... mostly." She looked at me like she expected me to ask more, but I didn't. I had pried all I wanted. But she continued, misinterpreting my silence. "It's my mother, sir. She's sick and they think she's going to die." She stared at the ground. "I haven't seen her in four months and I'm afraid I won't ever again."

I didn't know what to say, so I just stood there.

"Sorry, sir." She turned and walked away.

We didn't talk anymore. We wouldn't have gotten any closer after that if it wasn't for a random chance.

I was practicing using the maneuver gear in the dark. I wasn't far from the headquarters. When I was done, I started heading slowly back. Then I saw her. She was still in her uniform. I had taken my jacket off, but I was still in the uniform as well.

I stopped to look down at her. She was leaning against a tree in a patch of moonlight. Her head was tilted up and her eyes were closed. She could have been sleeping, but once I landed ten feet away her eyes snapped open.

"What are you doing out so late?" I asked.

"I just came out to sit here, sir."

"Why?"

"It's peaceful, sir."

I didn't say anything, just stood there looking at her in the cold breeze.

"Why are you here, sir?"

"I was using the maneuver gear."

"At night? Is that safe, sir?"

"As long as you can control yourself and see relatively well."

"I guess you'd be the one to know, sir."

There was another long silence. It kept going and going. I wanted to fill it, but I didn't know what with. What could I say? There was nothing.

Eventually, after who-knows-how-long, I said something. "How is your mother?"

She looked up in surprise. I don't know whether it was from the question, the interruption of silence, or the fact that I asked. "She's better, sir. She's recovering. Thank you for asking."

The next night, I asked her to bring me coffee. I also asked her to take out my trash. She was more than happy to do both tasks. She came in bearing a hot cup and a warm smile.

She didn't get offended by my lack of thanks, just smiled more like she understood. I only asked for her to come at night. We didn't act close at all during the day. I know she understood for some reason. I got used to her smile and her coffee and her presence.

***

I wasn't one to get panic attacks, but one night, remembering Farlan and Isabel hit me hard. She knocked on my door as usual. I didn't respond. All I could do was lean against the wall and shake.

"Captain?" she called.

I just willed for her to go away. She didn't need to see me like this. It wasn't me. It was just a passing moment that decided to stick.

She opened the door, closing it out of habit, and saw me against the far wall. "Captain, are you alright?" she asked tentatively.

"Go away," I ordered in a cold voice. My hands clenched tighter. She needed to leave. Immediately.

She stepped forward to set the cup of coffee on the desk, and then stood there, unsure of what to do.

"Leave, Ral," I snapped. "Get out of here." I didn't look up, just stared at the ground like it could shove her out for me.

"Captain, what's wrong?"

I jerked forward and grabbed her arms, prepared to throw her out myself. But I couldn't let go. I shoved her against the door, hoping she could just melt right through it. My hands wouldn't let go.

"Captain, what's wrong? Tell me." She tried to move her arms, but even I couldn't have moved them if I wanted. She kept pushing on my grip, but with no avail.

"You need to go now."

"Then let me go." Her voice sounded scared. "Captain..." She trailed off and stopped fighting me. She leaned forward and rested her head on my shoulder. "Levi, it's alright," she whispered. "Don't let go of my arms if you want. You're alright." I could hear her slow breathing. She practically nestled into my shoulder, giving me a hug without arms. Eventually, my grip loosened and my hands fell. She immediately lifted her arms to hug me. She made small, slow circles on my back and whispered, "It's alright, Levi. You're alright." She had no idea what was going on, but she hugged me until I stopped shaking.

It couldn't have been more than a few minutes we were like that. I told her thank you and let her leave. Then I turned to my desk and my coffee was ice cold.

Sorry if Levi is a little out of character, but he's falling in love. Sometimes you have to tweak things. Thanks for reading! :D