Shorter Than Me

30 Levi

After I finish breakfast, I walk back to my room. I open one of the locked drawers in my desk and pull out a small pile of papers with handwriting on them. I sit down and start to read.

***

I miss her. I miss Petra. I want her back so much. Do I feel guilty for kissing Guiin while I still haven't gotten over Petra?

When I first met her, she was just another cadet slightly less annoying than all the rest I've met. She took my punishments respectfully, despite how unfair she probably thought they were. As I think back, I realize I probably was a little too harsh with her. It doesn't matter now. She survived and now she's one of the best Scouts. That's mostly because of me, but partially because of her skill and fast learning.

I was a little surprised when the Commander wanted to make her a captain, but I knew she could handle it. Something about her made it seem like she could become anything as long as she tried hard enough. She learned very well and took my advice when I was teaching her how to be the leader of a squad. She has a very strong respect for everyone who deserves it and kept her anger in check even when I knew she wanted to fight back against my punishments. She also has a strong drive to be better. Someone of her size has to have that kind of drive to join the military.

She's also stayed alive for four expeditions, which is more than most. It proves she has good judgment and good skill. The fact that she's only lost one squad member also shows her leadership skills. It's either that or cowardice, but I know she isn't a coward and wouldn't encourage anyone else to be either.

It's likely she'll end up nearly as widely-known as me, or almost. She's the youngest Scout to ever become a captain as far as I know. Part of me wants to take credit for that, but I know she deserves most of the credit. It's who she is.

I lock the papers back in their drawer and stand up, annoyed that my thoughts turned from Petra to Guiin. My room is completely silent, and I realize how empty it feels. I have a desk, a lamp, a window, a chair, a filing cabinet, a bookshelf, a bedroom, a ferret, and a cage. It still feels empty, like there's something more that should be in here. I walk into the hall, but I get the same feeling there too. It's empty outside as well. There are Scouts everywhere, but something is missing. It needs something else. It's always been this way, but I sense it more now.

It felt this way when my squad died.

The feeling follows me for an hour as I enter every unoccupied room in every building. I walk into the forest where the ground is covered in pine needles and the trees fill the sky, but something is still missing. It isn't until I  see two Scouts walking next to each other, laughing.

The emptiness isn't in my surroundings. It's surrounding me. I walk alone, I eat alone, I fight alone. Something is missing in me. I need something in me that I can't bear to lose. Petr is part of that, but he's not what I need. I don't know what I need. But I'm alive, so obviously I don't  really need whatever it is.

Before I had a relationship with Petra, she was the one who pursued me. Even after I invited her to come to my room at nights to help me with things, she was still pursuing me. When we started loving each other, she still pursued me. I never pursued her nearly as much as she did me. That's what a relationship needs, at least one person to pursue it.

Petra is what I need. Since I obviously can't have her, I'm alone. Maybe part of me wanted to fill in that gap with Guiin, but it shouldn't have tried. It just ruined things. I ruined things. Because how would I know how to do things like that? Why would I try?

I just need to stop letting myself try.

***

199 parts. Wow. Thanks guys. You got me this far. (I sound like the book is ending haha.) I have published the second part of Shorter Than Me (just an author's note). Be sure to go to my profile and add it to your library so you know when I update the next chapter. Or you can do a search for "Shorter Than Me (continued)".

The cover looks like this:

See any major differences? Or is it exactly the same?

Thank you for reading! Hearts kitties and toy cars to you all.

~Syre Fayne