Shorter Than Me

30 Ecyn

I wear a plain, dark dress that feels like such a contrast to my uniform I almost regret wearing it. I put my hair up in a bun and drape my mother's shawl over my head. Then I walk out of my room to find Caine seated alone at the table. He's in nice pants and a nice shirt. He doesn't look up at me until I put a hand on his shoulder. His face is blank. I almost want to get mad at him for it before I realize mine is the same. I'm just better at it because when our eyes meet, his well up with tears.

There's nothing either of us can say that will change anything, except if I tell him about what happened during the expedition two days ago. But that just confuses me and sends my emotions on a downward spiral that will never let me go. Once I get back to headquarters I can figure out what Ackerman was thinking, but for now I need to be here with my family--just my brother now.

There's a knock on the door and Gabrell comes in. He doesn't say anything. He's wearing nice clothes too.

When we get to the funeral, people talk to us. They give us sympathy and tell us what a great woman our mother was. I've given sad smiles like the ones I receive today, even though I know they don't help. I just have to get through this. I also have to do it for Caine. Gabrell has already offered to take Caine in and manage our house. I'm still not an adult, so I can't really be in charge of Caine. I do earn enough money to support him though. Gabrell is our legal guardian, but I'll be eighteen in a year. A few months later, I'll be finished with what I need to do for the military. Then I can reenlist, which I probably will. Now I don't have anything tying me to home except Caine. And if he joins the military, I probably won't ever leave the Scouting Legion headquarters except for expeditions. That's what Ackerman does, except those few times he's taken a few days off to go somewhere.

I steer my thoughts away from him. Every feeling he is attached to can wait until I get back.

For now, I just have to endure a few hours of regretting my mother's death because of the impact she made in so many people's lives. Funerals make people try to remember the best qualities of the deceased. It's not really fake, but it kind of feels like it.

I do end up crying throughout the whole thing. I know it's not good to hold emotions in, especially when they're extremely strong, like when you lose someone you love.

At the graveyard, when they're burying my mother's body, I look away for a second because I don't really want to see it. I glance at the people, and see a strange hooded man near the edge of the crowd. His face is in shadows, but I do see some bright red hair poking out of the front of the hood.

Briine is here. He somehow got back inside the Wall to come to my mother's funeral. She was basically his mother as well for the last part of his life. How did he know she died? Did someone tell him? Does he somehow just know? I don't know.

Once the hole is filled up, I glance back to where I saw him. He's gone.

By the end of the day, people have stopped coming by to comfort us or give us some food. I think we have enough food now to feed the whole Scouting Legion.

Gabrell stays with us for the night in Briine's room. He's going to help Caine start to move into his house tomorrow. I'm also going to leave tomorrow. I have to turn in expedition reports and check on my squad. I only went into my room for a few minutes to gather some things before leaving.

I also need to go back to figure out what happened with Ackerman. It should be obvious: he kissed me, so he must care about me in a strong way. But with Ackerman, it's extremely complicated. I don't even know him all that well. He doesn't know me well either. And it's extremely out of character for him to kiss someone.

He kissed me.

What was he thinking? What does it mean? Hundreds of those questions whiz through my mind all day, and I'm not sure if I prefer the distraction of my mother's death from the kiss, or the distraction of the kiss from my mother's death.

Maybe it was a dream. Maybe it was a way to cope with my mother's death. Maybe I hallucinated.

If so, it was a very vivid hallucination. He had his arms around me, his face was much too close to mine, and I felt his lips. I felt them. They were there. They were real.

He kissed me.

It's short. I know. They're all so short. It's so stupid how they're all just so much... Shorter than me.

I promise you, that joke will never get old as long as this book lives. You're welcome.

Oh, and thanks for reading. I'm sorry for any feels. (Except I'm not really. Sorry for not being sorry.) :D