Tragic Magic (Ronnie Radke Love Story) [Book 2-sequel to The Drug In Me]

26. Repression to Expression

****sorry guys. Love you all my darlings****

When I came back, my entire arm was wrapped up. I couldn't move it, I couldn't move my arm. I tried to swallow the panic, and after a while I managed to sit up. The door clicked open and the doctor came in with a smile. "It was successful. We can't tell for sure but we're pretty confident" he told me, and I nodded.

"You're going to have to keep off the arm for a few weeks. No vigorous activities or anything like that" he told me, and I nodded. "Alright, well ill send your boyfriend in then. He's been asking for you" he said and then walked out.

B-boyfriend? Ronnie wasn't my boyfriend.....Did everyone think that? Did Ronnie care?

I hope not....

I got a little bubble of joy in my stomach at the thought of Ronnie being my boyfriend. I was scared to get in a relationship, but this is Ronnie were talking about! I love him, and he seems to love me...

There was the sound of shoes squeaking on the polished tiles and then Ronnie was running in and grabbing my hand, asking if I was okay and looking to see if anything was wrong.

He noticed the cast on my arm quickly and sat down, waiting for me to say something. I sat up, clearing my throat.

"Well, I guess there was some sort of residue on the bullet, but they fixed it up so it should be better now" I explained, shrugging and wincing at the pain.

Ronnie sighed and looked at me in sadness. "Why does all this bad stuff have to happen to us? We didn't ask for it. We didn't deserve it" he said, his voice filled with the sadness he had been holding back. And I realized, all this time, he had been trying to stay strong for me, he was holding it in because he wanted me to be able to let it out and have someone stable to help me. And I felt so guilty. So fucking guilty.

"Ronnie, just talk. Tell me" I told him, and he started shaking his head. I took my hand and lay it on his shoulder, and he turned to look at me. His eyes, they were watering. It hurt me to see my love so sad, so down. I knew it hurt him too.

"Ronnie. This whole time, you've helped me. Through everything. Now, let me help you, please" I begged, looking at him in pain. I didn't want him to hurt, I didn't want him to feel anything but joy.

"It's just, sometimes it hits me you know? Before, I know why I went to jail. In some ways, it was good. But I had to think about all the evil things I've done. I know why I had to go. I lost where I was going, lost my way because I forgot where I came from, but still, I can't forgive myself for some things. I just, I feel so lost sometimes. I don't know what I'm doing with myself sometimes. Is it worth it? Am I doing anything worthwhile? Am I helping anyone?" he poured it out, looking nearly overcome with emotion.

"Ronnie, of course you're doing something with your life. Your music, it saves so many people, so many fans are comforted by the music that you perform and make. Never question it, you help thousands of people every day" I said, trailing my hand down his arm to tangle in his fingers.

"I just, I don't know. I want to help people, but how can I, really? I feel like a disappointment to everyone. I see my dad and I can see in his eyes how broken down and hurt he is from watching me follow in his misguided steps. He had to watch me as I destroyed myself and surrounded myself with others. Before, we all just destroyed each other. And I'm real glad I got Max out, but the others.....they were bad for me and they might not deserve forgiveness but I just wish I could help them" the flood had started, and now it was flowing out in chunks like spoiled milk that had solidified in parts.

"Ronnie I know you wish you could help them, but there's a certain place where help won't do them any good unless they're at the point where they will accept it and attempt it. And the others aren't there yet. Sometimes the only way you can help is show them that it's possible. And you are proof of that" I said, holding his hand in mine and trying to make him feel better.

"I guess. But really, how much good can I be? Even my own mother left me" he said, and this was the final straw. The tears that had been brimming in his eyes overflowed and streamed down his face.

I nearly started crying just looking at him. It tore me apart to see him like this.

"I want the truth. But I know it's ugly. Did she ever truly love me? Did I ever mean anything to her? Or was I always nothing?" he said, his voice crackly now from being on the brim of bawling.

"I don't know Ronnie. If she had stuck around to know you then she definitely would. But I do know that she's a bitch and she doesn't deserve to know you. I hope she's stuck in some deadbeat apartment with a job she hates, and I hope the thought of you haunts her every day, because you're fucking amazing. And you may not have her love, and I know that you always miss her, no matter where you go or what you do. But....I love you" I said blushing a bit.

Was I being stupid? Of course my love didn't mean more to him that hers, she was his fucking mother!

But Ronnie smiled a bit and wiped his eyes, sniffling before nodding. "Yeah, okay. I love you too" and he leaned over and kissed me softly.

He laid his head down in my lap, and I moved my fingers to his head, playing with his hair while he closed his eyes.

I love you Ronnie....