Tragic Magic (Ronnie Radke Love Story) [Book 2-sequel to The Drug In Me]

86. Questioning

**** I'm so sorry guys ahhhh don't cry or die or kill me please I'll fix it eventually ****

*Ronnie*

For the first 2 months, I will admit that I broke down and cried every night, reliving it all.

She was addicted to drugs. And the last thing I said to her was "I never want to see you again". And so she ran away. It haunted me.

I said that, and now I may never see her again.

The cops did search for her for a few weeks, but they gave up, said she was over 18 so they couldn't really file it as a missing persons because she purposely ran away.

I was messed up over it. But now?

Now I'm just mad. I've drowned the pain and sadness, the longing, the desire to see her again. Drowned it out with anger.

She lied to me. She betrayed me. Why should I miss her if she didn't give two fucks about me? Why should I care when she didn't care enough to be honest with me?

The answer is easy: don't. Don't miss her. Don't care about her, dont wonder where she is, how she is, what she's doing. Just don't care.

So I don't.

I was tour with Enter Shikari, I See Stars, and other bands.

It was all going good, and I thought maybe I could move on from Ryker and the drugs and everything, when, of course, because the world is fucking against me, it got fucked up.

Just when I was starting to let myself get over the whole drugs thing with Ryker gone, I See Stars, who, like all the other bands, were aware of my rule that all bands that tour with me must be sober, decided to fuck me over and bring weed on their fucking bus.

So I kicked them off tour, knowing that I would get heavy backlash for it. I didn't care; I wasn't letting a band who blatantly broke my rule and brought drugs onto their bus be on my tour.

I expected a lot of shit, and I got a lot of shit all right. Not only from the world and fans, but also from I See Stars. They emailed me half-assedly asking for a second chance, but really planning to have fans come to my shows chanting 'I See Stars, I See Stars'. Fuck them. Fuck Sumerian Records. Fuck Lorenzo the main event, the poser thug who talks a lot of crap but doesn't do shit. And fuck the fans that agree with I See Stars too.

Fuck all of them.

I didn't need any of these motherfuckers.

So now I'm finishing the tour without I See Stars. I know how to deal with the shit-starters, it's simple. I just kick out everyone who chants for I See Stars; if they want to see I See Stars perform, then they don't belong in my crowd, on my tour. They can get the fuck out, and I make them.

Everyone around me who isn't close to me acts like I'm a fucking machine without a heart.

I wish they were right. It would be so much easier to deal with Ryker willingly leaving me if I didn't have a heart. If I didn't feel, then I really wouldn't care. I wouldn't have to hide from the pain of it all by drowning myself in anger and loathing.

It was like my mother leaving me, better in a way, and worse. Better because she wasn't my mom, so she wasn't a sure person that was supposed to be a constant in my life. But worse because she said that she loved me, and what we went through together, separately but together, it made me think that maybe she would be the one to stay.

But obviously not. I knew that now.

Maybe she was always destined to leave me. Maybe she was just there for the ride. Maybe she was just there when we both needed each other most. And now she's gone, so, what, I don't need her?

Bullshit, I need her. And if I don't need need her, then I at least want her around. And she needed me. She needed someone to care for her, she needed someone to help her, pull her out of her grave that she dug, and help her through this struggle. She needed someone to help her get out of drugs.

I remember when she was in the hospital that she told me that you can only help people out of drugs if they're willing to let you, if they're ready. Was she not ready then, since she left me?

But I didn't want to wait for her to be ready. I understand what she meant, but it doesn't always work like that. If it always worked like that then lots of people would never stop doing drugs because they wouldn't feel 'ready' enough. It's human nature. We're hardly ever sure of anything.

I tell myself I hate her.

But I know I don't.

I just miss her.

I just don't understand.

I don't understand what happened to make it all fall apart. Was it always broken and I just never noticed, or was there a specific moment where everything started to fall and turn to shit? Cause I wish I knew what happened, so maybe I would have an explanation as to why it ended the way it did. So I would know what I did wrong to make her leave me.

I'm confused.

Did she always want to leave? Or was there a moment where she just decided that's what she would do? Was she going to leave before I found out, or did she only leave because I found out?

Did she leave because I told her that I never wanted to see her again? Did she think she was doing me a favor by leaving, doing what I wanted? Did I push her too hard, force her into rehab too fast, scare her away?

Did she leave because of me?

What is she doing now? Is she stuck in some ditch, beaten and broken? Is she dead in a puddle of her own fluids somewhere? Is she stuck somewhere, getting lost in her haze?

Is she being taken advantage of? Is she using herself, her body, to get more drugs? Is she a prostitute somewhere? Or a stripper?

Where is she? Where did she go? Where did she run to?

She could be anywhere. Atleast, anywhere in North America. I don't think she'd be able to get a plane ticket, so there's that. She could be anywhere, in the US, in Canada, in Mexico.

I had no idea where to even look for her.

Is she okay?

Does she miss me?

Does she think of me?

Does she know I sent the police out to find her?

Does she know that I want to see her?

Does she know I miss her?

Does she know I want her to come back?

I don't know. And it's my fault. I made her leave. I pushed her, and she ran away. She left me.

She left me.

I fucked it all up.