Tragic Magic (Ronnie Radke Love Story) [Book 2-sequel to The Drug In Me]

60. Paranoia

**** I'm sorry guys. But hey, remember when Ryker was in the pit and you guys sometimes thought I might never let her get free? And then I did? This is gonna be like that, it's gonna be bad for a while, but don't give up and you'll see it get good again, I promise****

After we had calmed down a bit, Ronnie pulled away and looked at me intently.

My heart pounded, thousands of doubts and fears running through my head.

Did he know?

Did he suspect?

Had someone told him?

Had he found something?

Had he seen me?

Fuck, fucking fuck, it was so hard to keep this from him! And yet, I know I can't tell him, I can't let him know! It would ruin him, it would ruin me, and it would destroy any chance I had with him, ever again.

And beyond that, how betrayed and deceived he would feel! And god, he'd be so disappointed, disappointed in me! I couldn't bear it!

"Ryker," he said, and I looked up at him nervously. He said Ryker not just Ry, this must be serious?!! Oh shit, what is he going to say?

He cleared his throat, reaching out to brush some hair out of my eyes, and saying "I know it's been......hard for you. This past year has been so hard for you, and, well, basically the past 5 years have been really rough. But you've held on, and you're doing better than you think. And I just wanted to say Im proud of you for not caving in, for not relapsing into drugs, and for keeping yourself together. It takes a lot to be able to do that, and I just wanted to tell you that I'm really glad that you've stayed clean"

I started crying at his words, sniffling and rubbing my nose. I-I-he just had to say that, didn't he? Oh fuck, there he was thinking I was being so strong and clean, and then here I am using, tearing myself apart and deceiving everyone.

I know I should tell him, but hearing him say that little speech, it just fucked me over even more. I wrapped my arms around his torso and hid my face in his chest, sobbing softly now.

He must've thought I was just emotional over what he said, and he was partly right, but he thought that what he said was true, but it wasn't! Oh god, it wasn't!

"Hey, I didn't mean to make you cry. I've got a surprise ...." he said to me, pulling my face back to meet his. He wiped the bottoms of my eyes, rubbing away the tears, and then pulled some thing out of his back pockets. He held them up to me and I looked at him shocked.

"I got 2 tickets to see Eminem in concert, tonight" he said to me, and I gasped. "Who are you going to bring?" I asked, kind of jealous of him and whoever else got to go. I wanted to see Eminem in concert, I bet he was fucking awesome!

"Well, I thought you would go, if you want to?" he said, biting his lip and looking almost, nervous.

"Are you fucking serious?!! I'd love to go!" I said, sitting up excitedly. This was-just, holy fuck, how fast my emotions had changed. I couldn't even blame it on mood swings from drugs, I wasn't that deep in yet.

"Well, awesome! We've got to leave in a few hours, so get ready I guess" Ronnie said, getting up and walking out.

Alone, I let myself freak out. Ronnie, he was, I was, he thought I was clean. I was lying to him, deceiving him, tricking him! How bad of a person could I be? I didn't want to hurt him, but that's exactly why I didn't want to tell him, but that was the reason I was hurting him. God damn, when would it end? When I overdosed and died? Or what? Fucking hell, how could I be so selfish?