Tragic Magic (Ronnie Radke Love Story) [Book 2-sequel to The Drug In Me]

93. Resolve to Save

**** second update today to apologize for the lack of updates yesterday! I hope you enjoy :) ****

When I woke up, Nikki was still asleep. I got up quietly, not wanting to disturb her, and I went to the bathroom to wash up. When I got there, Annie was already in there, but she wasn't getting dressed or anything.

Her makeup was toned down, and she didn't look like she usually did.

"Annie?" I asked her, feeling like something was going on.

"Hey," she said, taking my hands in hers. "I thought about what you said, and you're right, we need to get out. Lets leave! We can leave right now and be out of Vegas before Diablo even notices!" She exclaimed, looking at me intently, pleadingly.

"I definitely think you should leave. But I can't leave now, not yet. I have no where to go, and now, well, I can't just leave Nikki" I said, biting my lip and shrugging my shoulder.

"She can come with us!" Annie said, begging.

"She'd never agree, she barely knows either of us. But you really should go, you're closer with Diablo than anyone else. It's not safe for you here" I said, taking her shoulders in my hands and pulling her completely upright so she wasn't bent over leaning into me.

It's not safe for anyone here....... but I couldn't leave Nikki, no matter how much I wanted to get away from Diablo.

"But I can't leave you-" she started saying, but I shook my head, shushing her.

"I'll be fine, I can take care of myself, go, you're losing time staying here" I said, looking at her seriously.

She nodded and hugged me, pulling away and looking at me strangely, a cryptic look on her face. Then, she leaned forward and kissed me softly, quickly pulling away and running away without another word.

I watched her leave, confused.

It was her way of saying goodbye.....

I heard her slip open the window, escaping out the fire escape.

She was gone, she was free.

And I was here. Nikki was here. I had to get her out. I had to get out, I had to get both of us out. I wouldn't leave her, not like I left everyone else. I couldn't, I just couldn't.

What I said came back to me. 'I can take care of myself'... It brought back memories, flashbacks of the past that I had tried so hard to repress.

"I can take care of myself!" I yelled at Ronnie, crossing my arms and glaring at him, furious. Who was he to tell me how to run my life? I could drink if I bloody well wanted to!

"No!" he said, and I looked at him angrily. "No, no you can't! Look at you! You're a mess! You're getting wasted, two days in a row you've gotten drunk! You're a total wreck, you can't take care of yourself. I hate to imagine what would happen if I let you continue like this! I mean, what's next, drugs?" he said to me, first sounding defensive, then sounding defeated and worried.

He was right. I was a total mess then. And what am I now? I'm more gathered it seems, but I'm even worse than before. I usually cry myself to sleep, I'm doing so many drugs I can't keep them straight, stealing drinks from my work, and not to mention my work-Im a fucking exotic dancer at a club, working for a drug dealer slime ball!

And in a few more months, how much worse would I be? Or would I be dead?

I hardly eat, and when I do, it's not much. I just drink and shoot up, pop pills, take tablets, I do so many drugs that I'm not even sure what some of them are. The amount of pills I'm taking, counteracts the booze I'm drinking, and it's a highly likely chance that one day, could be tomorrow, could be a week, could be a month, but someday, I will mix them too much and die.

It's been months, and still, every time I close my eyes I see Ronnie, the last time I saw him. His defeated look, his betrayed look, his anger, his disgust, all at me! He hated me, I was haunted by that fact every second.

'I never want to see you again'

He hated my fucking guts.

I sat down on the toilet and cradled my head in my hands, tears silently creeping down my face.

I lost everything, and now I was letting Nikki get mixed up into it!

With all that's happened, I was in no position to be a supportive figure in anyone's life. There were 3 things and only 3 things I was good at: drinking, doing drugs, and dancing. And none of those helped anyone. Not really. I guess the dancing helped people get off, but that's not exactly the type of help I wish I could give people.

Anything else, I was shit at. Getting friends? Absolutely not. Helping people? Absolutely not. I destroyed people. I sucked all the good from them until they were empty hollow shells, just like me. I ruined people, I ruined anything I let close to me.

I'm was a raging ball of anger and hurt, and I caused nothing but pain and bad. Nothing good comes from me.

So why was I still making the same mistakes? Why was I still trying to be more than I was? I couldn't be anything, because I was nothing, I was shit. I was shit, I am shit, and I will always be shit. I am nothing, no one, less than a person. I was scum.

And now I was dragging Nikki into it. I needed to cut her loose, set her free before she got too hurt, but I was scared.

I was scared of letting her go. Who else here would take care of her? No one! No one else would care. People here just looked after their own skin, they didn't bother themselves with protecting other people.

I couldn't let her go. After all I've lost, I just couldn't let her go.

I stood up and washed my face off before re-applying the makeup. I pulled on my costume and then went to the living room to wake Nikki up.

She was curled up so peacefully, like a little puppy, so sweet and cute. Innocent. Even in her costume, with her sleeping face, she looked innocent as could be.

She was only 18, how much had she gone through to end up here? She was just a young girl, how could she possibly have felt that this was her only option?

Whatever it was, I wanted to fix it. I would get her out of here, no matter how long it takes. Even if it means staying here with Diablo, I would stay with her until she agreed to leave.

I wasn't leaving without Nikki safe by my side.