Tragic Magic (Ronnie Radke Love Story) [Book 2-sequel to The Drug In Me]

42. Losing Grip

**** New characters at some point ;) ****

For a while I stayed curled up in the closet, bawling my eyes out and smacking my head against the wall. No, no! I thought I was getting better dammit, I thought I was getting better! I was, but now...? Now, what now?

I felt the longing, felt the pull to revert back to my old ways. I wanted to cut, I wanted to smoke, I wanted to shoot up heroin, I wanted go get high off my ass. Because then, maybe then, maybe I would finally forget about Him!

Maybe I would finally be free if I was so shit-faced that I couldn't remember my own name. If I couldn't remember myself, then surely I wouldn't remember Him.

But no, no I can't. Ronnie would never be happy with me, it would be like betraying him!

But.....

No!

Well....

No! Nope, nope nopity nope nope. I've finally gotten something good-Ronnie and falling in reverse. I'm not going to ruin it! Do you really want to ruin everything with Ronnie and lose him? No! No you don't! So don't do drugs damnit.

No. No, No, no, no, no, fucking no!

I groaned and yelled loudly, banging my head back against the wall and curling up farther into myself.

I blocked out everything, just focused on arguing with myself and trying to shut up all the voices inside my head, killing me, ruining me, torturing me, destroying me. When would it stop? When would it stop?!!

I thought with Him gone, I could be happy again. I thought I would never feel like this again! Yet here I am...I thought it would stop when He was gone.But maybe it wasn't Him making me feel this way, maybe all along, its been me making me feel this way. Maybe I'm the reason I'm like this. Maybe I'm the reason everything is bad, maybe I'm the reason.

You're the reason.

You're the reason.

I'm the reason.

No, no, no stop! Stop it! Y-you don't know what you're saying, you're being crazy. T-that's not true, you can't possibly know that...

The door banged open and someone peeked inside. I shrunk farther into the corner, trying to disappear and meld into the wall, never to be seen again.

"Funny, I thought I heard something..." someone said, and I nearly squeaked. They were looking for me, I was too loud! Stupid, stupid stupid!

You always make too much noise!

You always distract people, always annoy them, always mess them up!

Its always your fault, always!

No, stop, please stop, make it stop, no. I can't-no, no no, I can't do this. Please stop, I can't take it. I-it's not true! It's not true......it's, it's not true...?

"Hey, I found her!" someone yelled. Found her? Her? Who's her? Are they, were they looking for me?

N-no, I couldn't leave, this was my safe place now, I couldn't leave it. I-I'd get hurt, I'd get in the way, I'd cause problems. I-if Ronnie finds out how much of a nuisance I am, he'll never want me near him again... I'll be all alone.

You deserve to be alone.

No, no stop! No, please no.

I whimpered, and I heard footsteps coming towards me, so I curled farther back, whimpering and whining, scared out of my mind. What was happening to me?

"Can't go near her, get Ronnie!" a voice said, and I hid my face in my hands, covering my ears and just crying.

D-don't call Ronnie, no, he'll just get hurt. All I do is hurt. All I do is hurt, all I do is hurt.

All you do is hurt people.

But they didn't listen to me, and Ronnie came in. I guess I hadn't said it out loud, I couldn't talk over the wracking sobs that were exploding through my mouth, shaking my whole body.

"Ry, it's me" Ronnie said, creeping close. I just kept crying, sobbing, bawling.

He picked me up and stood me up, and then he just hugged me, saying nothing.

"R-Ronnie I'm bad for you. You should make me leave" I mumbled into his chest, my tears soaking into his shirt.

His strong arms wrapped around me, holding me in his safe embrace. "Ry, you're not bad for me. You're one of the best things to happen to me. Don't say that, I'm never making you leave. I love you" he said, and I pulled away, looking up at him.

My vision was blurry through my tears, but I could see his beauty even through my watery eyes. He was so gorgeous, and so wonderful. I didn't deserve him. I didn't deserve anyone. I didn't deserve shit.

"You shouldn't!" I said, and he looked at me in confusion. "Ryker, babe, I can love whoever the hell I want. And I want you, I love you. There is no should or shouldn't in love. It's just attachment and attraction, a connection between 2 people who care strongly for each other. Now you dry your eyes and tell me what's wrong" he said, and I rubbed my eyes.

"It's just, well some fans were talking. But they're right, I've thought it all along. I do nothing but cause trouble, I'm no good for you" I explained, looking at my feet.

"Ryker! Those fans only say that because they don't like that I like you, they think you're 'stealing' me from them. They don't know jack shit about you, they know nothing. Me? I know about you, I know you! And I know you are good for me. Why? You don't make me do drugs, or alcohol, or anything else bad. You don't negatively influence me. You don't make me feel sad or mad or upset. You do make me feel happy, and hot, and good. You do influence me to be a better person. And you do make me want to be here and keep breathing when it gets hard. You make me remember why I started writing songs and performing in the first place. You make me happy, Ry, I love you" he said, cupping my face and kissing me softly before pulling away.

"I love you too.." I sighed, blowing hair out of my face. There I went again, causing problems...

You're such a crybaby

You always complain

You feel so sorry for yourself

Your such a pathetic, pitiful excuse for a person

I sighed and attempted a smile, looking up at Ronnie.

"Ill be fine, go on, you've got a show to put on" I said, and Ronnie grabbed my hand and walked out to the stage. I hung back, and stayed side-stage while Ronnie performed.

Every so often Ronnie would look over to me and smile, and I'd fake a smile back and wave.

I was lucky he was so far away. Up close, it would be hard to keep up this act. He could read me too well....

I pretended like I was fine, good, happy. And I really did enjoy watching Ronnie perform and hearing him sing.

But the whole time my mind was cranking, telling me of all the bad things I did, all the bad things I caused, and everything wrong with me.

And the fans words echoed in my ears.

"If she really loved him she'd leave him the fuck alone!"

"She's no good for him"

"She's bad"

"Bad"

"Bad"

You're bad.

So bad.

You're bad for him. Bad for everyone

I'm bad.