afraid of kian lawley

20

"Why don't you take a closer look at my arm?" I held out my wrist for her to see and more tears fell down her face. Before I knew it, she wrapped her body around me tightly. "No.. Kian.. No.." Emma sobbed against my chest. After pulling away, she grabbed my hand tightly and kissed the fading scars. "I-I'm sorry.. I didn't know Kian.. I'm sorry," she sobbed while lightly rubbing my wrist. "It's fine, Em." I said calmly.
She looked up at me with tears in her eyes then kissed me. "I love you," escaped from her lips. I kept my hand tangled in her hair as I stared down at her, lost for words. "I-I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. You prob-"
"I love you too." I said, cutting her off. "D-do you really?" Shes shaking again. "Yeah Em, of course I do." My mind is racing so much that I feel as if it's blank. I don't know what do to. I don't think Emma does either. She stood there, still. Looking around, not knowing what to do. "Let's go inside, love." I whispered before grabbing her hand and leading her to our door. Thank god Jc isn't home. I'm sure he would kill me for taking her home.
I took Emma upstairs to my room and she stood on the other side of the room instead of sitting beside me on my bed. "C-can you tell me about.. that? You don't have to but, I-I'm worried about you," she spoke softly. Tears silently fell down her face and her eyes stared down at everything, but me. "There's nothing to worry about, Em. I'm fine and I just don't think you'd understand." I spoke calmly. "Kian I'm not a fucking idiot," her voice rose. "I know you aren't. There's just some people who don't understand something unless they've experienced it." She sat down in her spot and stared on to nothing.
"When I was younger, I was always scared. I guess I kinda just pushed it away until the end of middle school and I realized I have anxiety. I didn't want help. I was too scared to ask people and I ended up being an extremely sad and unhappy person. I was so damn alone. In high school I finally realized I should get help yet my mom didn't give a shit about me so who was I to ask? Your brother was my only friend and he tried so hard to help me, but it didn't work. Sooner or later I decided self harm was comforting so why not do it. I had an anxiety attack in the middle of class and everyone made fun of me. One. I was too scared to talk to anyone so they spread shit about me. Two and three. I started drinking. Four and five. Julie told everyone I raped her. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten. Everyone found out I'm the emo kid. Eleven and twelve. I got into drugs. Thirteen. My mom kicked me out of the house. Fourteen and fifteen. I almost killed the girl I'm in love with. Sixteen. Seventeen. Eighteen. Nineteen. Twenty."

Emma.

My heart is racing and I'm shaking. A few tears fell down my cheek and I continued to fiddle with my hands. "I'm fine now, Em." he got off his bed. "Everything's okay." When he sat down beside me, I finally looked up. Tears are falling down his face too. I grabbed his hand and played with his fingers. "I love you. So so much," came out quietly as sobs escaped my mouth. He looked down at our hands and didn't speak. "Believe it or not I have anxiety and depression too. No one knows though and I decided I'll go to a therapist when I move to New York." After saying that, his head shot up and looked me right in the eyes. "Em, you gotta go. W-why haven't you gone yet?" He's genuinely concerned. I haven't seen that in awhile. "My mom, dad, and Sam hate me. Where did you want me to go? I can't pay for it myself. I figured after I go to New York and get a job, I'll have enough money to do it." I spoke softly with a calm state of mind. "Em, you can't do that. I'll pay for you. We'll get you some medicine or something. I'm not going to let you do this to yourself." He seems uneasy like he doesn't enjoy me talking about New York. "No, Kian. I'm not letting you. It's a waste of money." He moved his hand from mine and held my chin up. "Em, it's gonna happen. I love you and I care about you. I'm not letting this go." I smiled a weak smile and he pulled me in for a hug. I rested my head on his chest and wrapped my legs around his torso. He's so much bigger than me.
After he took me back to his bed, we both talked about our problems and many tears were involved. I never really thought of Kian as a sympathetic or thoughtful person. I never knew he could be nearly as broken as me. I thought I loved him before, but now I can't explain how I feel. I know I love him. But it's more than that. He means more to me. I feel as if this relationship we have going on isn't only going to last a few weeks. Somethings going on here and I like it. I like it a lot.

Of course we fell asleep. We always fall asleep after something happens. It's just us. But of course we got interrupted when someone knocked loudly at the door downstairs. I told Kian I'd get it and he stayed in his bed. The second I opened the door, my heart sunk to my stomach.
"Wh-" he pushed me back and I nearly fell to the ground. "You fined our fucking father and put him in therapy! What they hell is wrong with you?" Sam yelled. "What are you talking about?" I asked in a shaky voice as I trembled in front of him. "I got told during one of my shows that you fined dad and he has to go to therapy now to 'work out his issues'. Do you really think our family has enough money to do that? God, you're such a fucking idiot!" He yelled as he pushed me again. "Sam, I-I honestly don't know what you're talking about." My voice is shaky. "Save the fucking act for someone else. I'm not a fucking idiot."
Kian came down the stairs and pushed Sam back a lot harder than he pushed me. "Don't fucking touch her!" Kian yelled. "I fined your dad and got him put in therapy! Don't blame Emma for shit she didn't do! You're just like you're fucking excuse of a dad! What the hell is wrong with you?" his voice in booming throughout the whole house. "It's funny," Sam scoffed "you're actually standing up for her instead of me. How fucking stupid are you?" Kian pushed him back against the wall and held him by his shirt. "Shut your damn mouth." He spat. "Out of everyone on this earth to fuck, you choose Emma. Damn, your expectations must be real real low. What ever happened to Andrea? You still fucking her?" Kian loosened his grip then quickly pushed him back again. Who's Andrea? "Don't talk about her," he spat. "Didn't you tell her, Kian? Oh sweet sweet Emma. Don't you know Kian has a fuck buddy? They've been going at it for almost three years now. I'm surprised you haven't gone in on a threesome w-" Kian punched him right in the jaw causing him to be quiet. "You know what, i'm just gonna leave. I'll be back Emma. You're coming home. I just can't wait for that day." Sam spat before pushing Kian off of him and walking out the door.
I stayed on the floor and Kian came to see if I was okay. "Don't. Just.. who's Andrea?" I asked him when he tried to pick me up. "It's over Emma," he said after sitting down beside me. "Are you still fucking her, Kian? Am I like your sidechick or something?" I'm angry and I don't want to be. I know nothing about her and Sam's scaring me. "No, Emma! No. I swear, it's over. It's been over."
I stood up, walked up the stairs, headed towards my room, closed my door, and remained silent. Why does so much shit happen in my life? Can't I just be drama free for one day? "Ugh fuck!" I yelled, sounding like a complete idiot. Jc should be home any minute now. Maybe I could talk to him about this Andrea chick.

Guys I'm so sorry for not updating yesterday. I've had hardcore writers block and ah idk what to do !!