afraid of kian lawley

26

Two weeks. It's been two whole weeks since our fight. I've only been home once since. I can't go back to that damn house. Everything is exactly where it was and I can't help but cry when I see it. Emma's bags scattered on the living room floor, the broken table Jc and I fought on, and one of the bracelets she always fidgets with when she's nervous. I pulled it off of her when I was yelling. Jc gave it to her the first week she was here. Her favorite bracelet, not even on her lifeless body because of me.
The whole 'no self harm' thing hasn't gone down pretty well for these last few days. I know I'll never get to see her again after she wakes up, and I can't bare it. Sam wants to buy an apartment for the two of them downtown by our friend Jonah. God, I can't imagine waking up every morning without her right beside me. Or even walking past her room and hearing her music play. But the thing I'll miss most is that faint smile she gets when something small happens. The littlest things can make her so happy and I love seeing that small smile. I crave it. I crave her.
Everyone's been giving me shit. Even Trevor and all of my other friends that haven't even met her. I know I fucked up. I know I could have killed her. I know everything is my fault. Dealing with myself if hard enough.

"I cleaned up. I couldn't stand seeing everything the way it was left. The new table should be here next week. Here," I held my hand out and Jc handed me Emma's small bracelet. Instantly I choked up and shook my head. "Don't give me this." I spoke quietly with a deep voice. "Go give it to her," Jc said, still annoyed with me. I nodded and left the waiting room.
Still the same way she was on the first day, Emma lay lifeless in the bed. I sat down in the seat beside her, and grabbed her fucked up hand like I always do. "Jc brought this for you. He wanted me to put it back on for some reason. I don't think he realizes that you hate me so much." I lightly laughed. "Anyway, here's your favorite bracelet back. I'm sorry I took it off of you." I slipped it back on and stood up before kissing her forehead. "Jc?" She mumbled, squeezing my hand. "Emma," I breathed out. She scrunched her face in pain then opened her eyes. "G-get away from me," slipped out of her mouth after she jerked her hand back. "I'm sorry." I sobbed before backing away. "Get out. I never want to see you again." I feel like my whole body's fucking broken. "Give me two minutes." I breathed out. She looked at me, shaking. Her body's pale and covered in cuts and bruises. It's almost terrifying. I just want to hug her. I want to hold her in my arms and keep her warm. "I'm so so sorry, Emma. I'm so sorry. I got upset over nothing and Andrea was getting to me. I didn't think this would happen. God, I already hated myself for my handprints on your wrists." I sighed heavily before starting again. "I love you so much Emma. I do. I'm insanely in love with you and I fucked all of that up. I know I did. And I can't live with myself. Everything's just back to being and endless pit of darkness and I hate it. I hate myself and I'm surprised I've made it this long. I'm sorry. I'll leave you alone. For the rest of your life. I won't go back home until you've moved out. I'll delete your number from my phone and pretend like you never existed. I'm sorry." Tears rushed down both of our faces and I left her as soon as I finished.
A bag sat on my chair in the waiting room with clothes and food Jc brought from the house. Joy. "She's awake! Go! Hurry!" I heard a familiar nurse yell from down the hall. Soon enough nurses and doctors rushed into Emma's room.

Jc.

I got a phone call saying Emma was awake and she's been asking for me while in the middle of the desert. Not the best timing, but I left as soon as I got it.
"Look at that, my baby girl is finally awake." I smiled at her with my arms open as I walked in. She sobbed in response, then weakly hugged me. I sat down beside her and she continued to sob while squeezing my hand tightly. "It's okay, Em," I sobbed too, "you're okay now." She squeezed my hand tightly and sobbed quietly.
"Do you remember the crash?" I asked her. She nodded. "Emma," she looked up at me, "did you do it on purpose?" She looked around the room and parted her lips, but didn't say anything. Finally, she nodded. "Em," I sighed, bringing her hand up to my forehead. "Y-you could have killed yourself." She smiled her famous sad smile. "That was the plan."
There's this pit in my stomach and I feel like I'm gonna throw up. She silently sobbed and we didn't speak. I don't know what to say.
"I loved him," she breathed out. "I loved him with everything I had. And he does this to me in return." Emma pulled her hand away from mine and studied her wrists. "I don't want them there. Make them go away." I faintly smiled at her and grabbed her hand once again. "I can't do anything, Em. They'll go away soon." She sighed and closed her eyes. "Ya know, Kian hasn't left for the last two weeks. He's been in here at lest twenty times a day, slept in the waiting room, and worn only three different outfits. He's been home once, and he didn't keep his promise with you." She opened her eyes and looked at me after my last sentence. "What do you mean?" Emma asked in a more concerned voice. "He's dying inside, Em. Everyone's giving him shit for this, and he's being extremely hard on himself. He knew he wouldn't see you again after you woke up, so he's been trying to spend as much time with you as possible. Kian's madly in love with you, Em. He hates himself for doing this to you, and he doesn't know it was a suicide attempt." She looks terrified. "How many times," barely came out of her mouth. "I've seen at least ten new ones." And now she's crying again. More than the first time.

ooh some shits gonna go down in the next chapter