afraid of kian lawley

22

Emma.

Kian and Jc went out for a guys night so I'm home alone and I'm scared out of my mind. So many people are dying in Paris right now, and who knows what's next. What if this happens in every country? What if this is the start of World War 3? God, I've been crying my eyes out for the last two hours and I can't stop. I need Kian's comfort. I want to hear the small laugh in Jc's voice when he tells me everything's okay. I want Kian to hold me and kiss my forehead. I want to see Connor again. I want to see Ricky again. There's so many things I want right now, yet i'm hopelessly stuck in our house. What if something happens here? What if Kian or Jc or anyone gets hurt? What if I get hurt? It's sad that it's not the fact that i'm scared of dying, I'm scared for Kian or Jc. I'm scared of them being hurt because of me being gone.
I don't know what to do. I want to call Kian and tell him to come home, but I'm scared he'll be mad and tell me I'm overreacting. I've called Connor three times and they've all gone to voice mail. I don't have Ricky's number and I really wish I did. God, i'm so scared. I can't stop shaking and crying.
Music has helped a bit. One Direction dropped their new album today, and one song has been on replay for hours. I Want Write You A Song. It's made me cry more, but it's comforting. It's made me think. Is this how Kian feels about me? Does he love me nearly as much as I love him? Am I too clingy? Is this one of those relationships where one person's completely attacked when the other's trying to get away? I can't stop thinking.
Even in times like these when I'm scared out of my mind, I have to think about my family. I mean so many people are probably trying to be with theirs right now. Most people love their parents and siblings. I'm not saying all do, but according to a lot of people, you're supposed to love them. "Family is family and nothing will change that." Not in my case. I hate my father. I can't stand my mother. If there's anyone in my family that has a chance of me loving them is Sam. He and I used to be so close. He used to be protective and loving. He actually cared about me. And I would be lying if I said I didn't love him too. Then my dad started hitting me. I remember that night so vividly. I don't think Kian knows this, but I used to go to school. I used to have a life, and I used to have friends. My parents were happy, and my family was happy. Then my dad lost his job and he started drinking. A lot. It was a Friday night. I was fourteen and doing what any other fourteen year old does. All I wanted to do was go out with my friends again. Almost every weekend we would hang out and do teenage stuff. That day we went to the mall. It was a fun night. My mom gave me money because I was being a good ass kid so I bought a few clothes. It was a fun night. The last one I'd have in years. I remember walking in, laughing so hard my stomach hurt. My dad was standing in front of the door and Sam was in the living room. The second I walked in, I stopped laughing and everything changed. My dad started yelling. A lot. I was terrified. He started saying things like "you're an ugly piece of shit" and "you never help" and "what's the point of you being alive!" I don't even know what I did but he was mad. So fucking mad. After going on and on about how shitty of a person I was, he go so close to me that I was hyperventilating. Then he hit me. He cornered me, grabbed my wrists, then slapped the this out of me. I fell to the ground sobbing. All I remember after that is seeing Sam cry. He was furious. He came into the hallway and flipped on my dad. I vaguely remember what they said, but my dad said something like "why are you standing up for the slut? She deserves it!" Then Sam hit my dad and of course nothing happened. He was fourteen. But my dad was so pissed he hit Sam back, harder than he hit me. I was so scared. Sam cried so hard and my dad kept hitting him for not being a man. I haven't gotten that image out of my head for the last four years.
Like I was saying, if I was at home right now, with Sam and my parents, I would only say I love you to Sam. Even if he's treated me like shit for the last few years, what he did that day meant the world to me and he doesn't even know it. I would thank him for that moment. I would thank him for everything he did for me. I would probably choke up then I'd hug him as his shirt became soaked from my tears. He would fight it at first, but I know he would give in.

I need to clear things between us. I need to see Sam. This needs to be over now.
"What do you want?" he spat into the phone after answering it. "S-Sam.. C-can y-you please c-come o-over? I-I need t-to talk t-to y-you." I trembled into the phone. "Are you okay?" He asked in a stern voice. "N-no. J-just please c-come." He hung up and I'm pretty sure he won't be coming.
I stayed curled up in a ball in Kian's bed for about twenty minutes until I heard Sam call my name. I weakly walked down the stairs and up to him. He looks pissed but slightly concerned. Without thinking, I hugged him. Tightly. I wrapped my arms around his torso and buried my head into his chest. "Emma, wh-" he stopped. Suddenly his arms slowly hugged me back and I cried more and more. "I-it's okay, Em. It's okay." He whispered. He hasn't called me Em since that day. I kept on crying on him and we stayed like that for awhile. "You gotta calm down, Em. What's wrong?" he asked after pulling away from our hug. I held onto his arms for support since my legs are basically jello right now. "Come on, Em. Talk to me." He took us over to the couch and sat me down in front of him. "I-i couldn't stop thinking about you and mom and dad and I realized that if I were with you guys right now, you're the only one I'd say I love you to. I just kept on thinking about that night dad.. h-hit me and you actually stood up for me. It's like I forgot about everything before that night and I love you Sam and you don't know how much it means that you fought against dad for me. With everything going on right now, I just wanted to let you know that before something happens." Somehow I got all of that out without completely choking up but now that I'm done, I can barely breathe.
Sam hasn't said anything and I can't even see him from how blurry my eyes are. "Emma, I feel really bad about everything I've done to you. I-I-I'm sorry for being a bitch and not standing up for you. I'm sorry I let him do that to you and I'm even more sorry I did that to you. I understand if you never want to see me again and you wanna stay with Kian. I'll keep my distance, I promise. I-I'm sorry, Em." I was right. He actually apologized.

Ah guys I really like this one yay
And hey I was just working on a few chapters ahead and some crazy shits about to go down ahh