Broken, Honest, Beautiful

Pain is real

"Can I come in please?" Camila asked in a small voice, Ally peered through the peephole, which was a challenge because of her height, and opened the door to Camila. "What's up Mila?" She stepped aside and watched as Camila trudged into the room with a blanket draped over her shoulders which she clung onto so tightly her knuckles were white now. "Camila you're freezing!" Ally gasped as she felt her cold hands. "Where on earth have you been?" She lead Camila over to the bed and put on the kettle to make her a hot drink. "On the balcony outside my room." Camila said simply, "Well how long were you out there?" Ally asked as she sat down next to Camila tentatively. "Maybe a few hours..I was waiting." Ally met her eyes curiously "Waiting for what Mila?" "Lauren said to me she'd be back later, but she didn't come back." Ally licked her lips dryly, "Lauren's knocked out in her room with Dinah, she's been asleep since 6pm and it's midnight now, she's really tired Camila." Camila sighed and nodded, "I know, Lauren said I could come to you too, that you'd all be there for me..so, Ally..can I have a hug?" She asked with her bottom lip trembling. "Oh Camila.." Ally wrapped her arms around the girl tightly, "We all love you baby and we're all here for you." Ally told the girl warmly, Camila sniffled and shivered in Ally's hold. Her fingers grasped the cotton blanket like it was her lifeline, and Ally noticed. The kettle pinged that the water was boiled. Ally looked over at it in thought and shook her head to herself when Camila let out a shaky breath, "Mila I'm gonna get you a nice hot drink and a hot water bottle okay? That'll make you feel better." Ally kissed her forehead lovingly but Camila looked up pleadingly, it took Ally just a mere second to read her mind. "You're staying here with me tonight, don't you worry." Camila nodded appreciatively and proceeded to wrap the blanket around herself tighter as she shivered even more. Ally noticed and turned up the heating, she brought Camila over a hot water bottle and hot chocolate and handed them both to the girl. "Thank you Ally, you're amazing." Camila took the cup and put it on the dresser to cool. "Get settled in the bed." Camila nodded and shuffled down, but she did not once let the blanket slip between her fingertips. Ally draped her arm over Camila's waist, falling fast asleep in an instant. Camila wasn't so lucky though, she could never understand how people could just switch off like a light and fall into the abyss of slumber. She clutched the blanket and closed her eyes, resting her head lightly on Ally's shoulder; in doing that and knowing Ally was there, she fell asleep soon enough. It was in the early morning that Lauren woke up and stretched out to find an empty space, it was still dark so it must have been around 2 or 3am. "Dinah?" She called out in her raspy tired voice. "I'm here Lauren." Dinah could only yawn out as she trudged tiredly out of the bathroom. "Where'd you go?" "Had to pee." Dinah said bluntly and cuddled up to Lauren, holding onto her tightly. "You okay?" Lauren observed Dinah's behaviour worriedly. "Mm, I just love you." She said quietly making Lauren smile and kiss her head. "I love you too DJ, but please tell me what's wrong. I know you, I can read you like a book." Lauren felt Dinah's eyes close as her eyelashes brushed down against her collarbones. "No don't fall asleep and ignore the question Dinah, what's the matter?" Lauren refused to let it lie. Prying Dinah from her body she saw the tear stained cheeks. "You weren't peeing were you, you've been crying in there." Dinah shrugged as if it wasn't obvious. "Talk to me." Lauren took her hand, slowly brushing her thumb over the back of it. "Just cuddle me Lauren. I don't, I can't talk about it right now." Dinah sniffled, Lauren frowned and held onto the girl tightly. "I hate seeing you cry baby girl." Dinah nuzzled her head into Lauren's neck in appreciation while Lauren stroked her fingers lightly through her blonde hair. "Go to sleep." Dinah let the silent tears roll off her cheeks onto Lauren's neck. "Will you still hold me?" Lauren nodded instantly "All night, I promise. For now we get some more sleep, then we'll talk in the morning." Dinah nodded "And babe?" Dinah hummed quietly, a silent asking of what Lauren wanted to say. "Please don't cry, whatever is wrong it'll all be okay in the morning baby, you're never alone." Whatever part of what Lauren had said made Dinah burst into full on sobs, she wasn't sure, but it made her sit up and pull Dinah into her lap to comfort her properly. "Shh, no stop," Lauren whispered as Dinah struggled in her grip in frustration. "It's alright baby I've got you. I'm right here." She rocked Dinah who gave in to Lauren and let herself be held, Lauren kissed her face sweetly and tried her best to console Dinah, but it barely calmed her down. "What's going on babe?" Lauren stroked the hair that was stuck to her face from the tears spilling out of Dinah's eyes so they could make eye contact. "N-Nela lea-ked the ph-pho-tos, and they-they're everywhere!" Dinah cried. Lauren's eyes widened and without releasing Dinah she grabbed her phone and went onto Twitter, her news feed was all Dinah, and Dinah's let's say "private" pictures were everywhere she could see, there was a video going around too but she didn't dare to look. She already felt sick with horror and pure disgust at what the pathetic excuse for a man had put her girlfriend through. Lauren threw her phone somewhere on the bed carelessly, wrapped her strong arms around Dinah tightly, tighter than they had been before and kissed her temple affectionately, letting it linger before she rested her chin on Dinah's head. "Please don't think any less of me Laur." Dinah begged and Lauren was genuinely surprised, "Wha-think less of you?? Dinah Jane don't you say that. I love you, I love you and that, that isn't you. You didn't deserve this, I can't-I can't make this right, I wish I could but I can't fix it. Still I can be here for you, I can kiss you," Lauren kissed Dinah's forehead "and tell you how much I love you because none of that shit matters, not to me. Its you that matters to me babe." Dinah held onto Lauren tightly and cried her big heart out. "D, what's out there on those screens tonight does not define the wonderful person that you are. You're worth so much more than this, so much more than him." Lauren promised and Dinah grabbed Lauren's face and kissed the girl so passionately. "I love you to death Lauren Jauregui." She whispered, that in itself made Lauren get goosebumps, as if she didn't have them already. "But hold me until I feel alright again, until this is more bearable." Dinah begged. Lauren felt her heart break a little more at the hurt tone of her voice. "Of course I will." Lauren smiled reassuringly, "Lie down, I think that we should go back to sleep now." She instructed, Dinah had no hesitation in obliging and shuffled down into the warm double bed. "Laur, before you sleep.." Dinah trailed off as Lauren spooned Dinah affectionately making the girl sign contently. "Hm?" Lauren meant to ask but it came out more as a growl in her throat, "Kiss me please." Lauren opened her eyes and hovered over the girl for a moment before leaning down to kiss her, Dinah dragged Lauren's bottom lip out at the end and watched Lauren lick her lips after the kiss and smile adoringly. "You ready to sleep now Di?" Dinah smiled sadly and nodded, "Goodnight." Lauren mumbled, placing an innocently soft kiss on her shoulder before settling her head into Dinah's hair comfortably. "I love you Lauren, more than anything." Dinah smiled to herself as she said it, because she really did. Lauren had long fallen back to sleep now. Dinah could tell by the way her breath hit her neck steadily and very soft snores filled the room. Dinah noticed how Lauren's arms were tightly wrapped around her, and in her sleep she was gently drawing circles on her stomach, a subconscious method to ease Dinah's worries. Even in her sleep Lauren was such a caring and loving soul. Dinah snuggled a little further into Lauren's body and focused on Lauren's light circles tracing on her stomach and soon fell asleep to her soft delicate snores. When Dinah woke up all the girls were in her and Lauren's room whispering to themselves, Dinah wanted to eavesdrop but Normani had noticed she was awake. "Dinah," she gasped and Dinah realised, they'd all seen it. But then how could they not. Dinah squeezed her eyes shut in mortification and embarrassment until she felt arms being wrapped around her tightly. "It's okay, we don't think any less of you, you're still our Dinah." She heard Normani speak soothingly into her ear. Dinah wrapped her arms around her tightly and let out a shaky breath onto her shoulder. "Guys, come on." Lauren said through gritted teeth, Camila and Ally crawled onto the bed and joined the hug to reassure Dinah it was okay between them. "You know we love you don't you?" Camila kissed her best friends cheek. Dinah nodded into Normani's shoulder before she sniffled making them look at each other sadly. Ally rubbed Dinah's back and Camila lay her head in the crook of Dinah's neck and wrapped her arms around her as best she could wherever Normani wasn't cradling the crying girl in her arms. Lauren sat on the edge of the bed watching the scene with sad eyes, how could anyone do this to Dinah? "Laur-" Dinah gulped "I'm here Dinah." Lauren said quickly and Dinah reached out one hand, now hugging Normani with one arm. Lauren grabbed it knowingly and squeezed it tightly. "What'd I tell you hm? You're never alone." Lauren said in a soft voice. Camila lifted her head and smiled up at Lauren. Lauren saw a glint of happiness in her eyes, but she was still sad, sad for Dinah. "Neither are you." Camila mouthed at Lauren who teared up and Camila frowned, kissing Dinah's cheek she crawled over and hugged Lauren tightly, and then Lauren started crying. Lauren still held Dinah's hand tightly and wrapped one arm firmly around Camila with her face buried in her neck. Two crying girls in the room, they all knew why Dinah was crying, but not Lauren. Camila didn't know what it was exactly, but Camila always seemed to know whenever something was going on with Lauren. Like now she knew something was off with her. She always knew, it was just like they were in each other's heads sometimes. "Don't cry Lolo, I'm here." Camila soothed the girl, in the last 24 hours it seemed the roles had reversed, this time Camila was the one holding Lauren. Camila had thankfully moved past her incident at the hospital, now it was time for her to be the friend that Lauren needed. "Lauren why are you crying?" Normani asked pulling away from Dinah who had calmed down and released Lauren's hand to wipe at her eyes. Lauren let her hand limply fall on the bed rather than wrap her free arm around Camila. "Lauren, babe." Dinah shuffled closer to her and Camila. "I'm fine Di." Lauren squeaked as the tears flowed out. "No you're not Lo." Dinah knelt in front of the two and guided Lauren into her own body, allowing a stiff Camila to stretch out. "What's the matter?" Ally asked but Normani shook her head. "Let's leave them be, we'll see you later guys." Normani placed a hand on Dinah's shoulder and gave her a warm smile which Dinah returned. "I love you." She said honestly, "Love you too." Normani kissed her cheek before guiding an overly protective Ally and hesitant Camila out of the room. "Don't let me go." Lauren squeezed her eyes shut and Dinah knew what was going on now. "It's not real." She pulled her girlfriend further into her lap. "But the pain is." Lauren croaked and Dinah bit her lip, how did she respond the that. "Dinah I relapsed, I-I'm sorry." Lauren crumbled and Dinah's eyes widened in shock. "What? No! It was nearly a year Lauren, what happened?" Lauren met Dinah's eyes and detected a flash of hurt and anger in them. "You're mad at me." Lauren backed off and got up off the bed warily as Dinah shook her head at her. "I'm not, I just don't understand why you would do that after you were doing so well." Lauren threw her head back groaning and screamed at Dinah in frustration. "But I'm not!! Dinah for fucks sake I've been doing it this whole time and you're all so fucking blind that you couldn't see what was right in front of you!" Dinah swallowed dryly and looked up to the ceiling in disbelief of what she was hearing. "How could you-no, why didn't you tell me? We could have dealt with it together. Like normal people." Lauren only chuckled bitterly. "But I'm not normal, and it's a crazy screwed up world we live in. And I didn't tell you because I didn't want to hurt you. I wasn't strong enough, but I had to be." Dinah sighed heavily. "You can trust me though Lauren, I thought I could trust you too." Lauren gave a look of confusion and slight fear. "What does that mean?" She asked shakily. "I don't know Lauren, I just don't know." Dinah shook her head and left Lauren there alone in their hotel room, going God knows where. Lauren sure as hell had no clue, sliding her back down the wall she cried out in emotional agony. Fuck. She'd lost her.