Broken, Honest, Beautiful

Spilled

It was midnight, and for once Lauren was in her own bunk. She was writing a song, and she always liked to do that by herself. But since it was so late, a voice outside surprised her. "You in here?" Lauren's head immediately jolted up from her notebook and she stared at the closed curtain before clearing her throat. "Yeah Camz." The small curtain shifted and the shy, bruised face looked at her. "Can't sleep?" Lauren asked and Camila shook her head. "Get in here." "Thanks." Camila said, crawling into Lauren's bunk with her, sitting next to the girl, mirroring her same position of crossed legs. "What're you doing?" "Oh y'know, writing songs." "Really? Can I see?" Lauren looked at her book and then Camila, it was obvious the girl was desperate for a distraction, and if she could trust anyone at all with her song writing and an honest opinion, it was Camila. "Sure." Camila took the book from Lauren and flicked through the pages. "These are great." She said, her brown molten eyes scanning the pages slowly, taking in every word. The dim bunk light illuminated the small space slightly. Camila had to squint to see the lyrics. Lauren played with her fingers nervously. Camila flipped to the next page and licked her lips, a sign she was deep in thought. "What's this one?" Lauren peered over and gulped thickly. "Uhm, I was going through a really bad period in my life then. I wrote it when we were together." Camila read every word and her eyes filled with tears.
"I took their smiles and I made them mine. I sold my soul just to hide the light. And now I see what I really am,
A thief, a whore, and a liar." Camila wanted to question what Lauren was referring to on the fourth line, but then quickly decided against it.
"I run to you, (And run away from this hell) Call out your name, (Giving up, giving in.) I see you there, (Still you are) Farther away. I'm numb to you - numb and deaf and blind. You give me all but the reason why. I reach, but I feel only air at night. Not you, not love, just nothing."
Camila leant her head on Lauren's shoulder as she read. Tears spilling down her cheeks, spears delving into her heart.
"I run to you,
(And run away from this hell) Call out your name, (Giving up, giving in) I see you there, (Still you are) Farther away. Try to forget you. But without you I feel nothing. Don't leave me here, by myself. I can't breathe. I run to you,
(And run away from this hell) Call out your name. (Giving up, giving in) I see you there. (Still you are) Farther away. I run to you. (And run away from this hell) Call out your name,(Giving up, giving in) I see you there,
(Still you are) Farther away. Farther away, farther away, farther away,
farther away, farther away."
"None of us had any idea, did we?" Camila gulped, tasting her tears on her lips as she smoothed her tongue over them. Lauren sighed and shook her head slowly. "No." "I wish I'd known. I would have done anything Lauren, I'd do anything to stop you from hurting. Because you're still hurting, aren't you?" Lauren didn't say anything, simply resting her head on Camila's. "Your last song's lyrics, they're really sad." Lauren read the line Camila was talking about, and couldn't help but agree with her. I'm sinking, into deep and dark waters, weights pulling me down. Sometimes, Lauren didn't quite realise how terrible she was truly feeling until her words and thoughts were spilled onto the page. "I wish I knew how to get out of this, to get rid of this feeling." Lauren whispered. "I hate it." She said, through gritted teeth. The Cuban pulled back and took a proper look at Lauren. She had bags under her eyes, her jaw was clenched, her cheeks tear stained, and her green eyes turned grey with despair. Camila opened the curtain, got out of the bunk and held out her hand for Lauren to follow her. She did. The two girls crept down to the back of the bus into the lounge area where they would be able to have more space. Camila wrapped an arm around her at first, that was until Lauren ended up in Camila's lap, tears running free and fast. Lauren clenched large fistfuls of the back of Camila's sweatshirt. Camila held her with her left arm, and stroked her hair and back with her right. Lauren's heartbreaking sobs were better off muffled and private in the lounge area than loud and awakening in the bunk area. "I'm sorry." Lauren squeaked, making Camila kiss her temple and hold her tighter. "Don't be. None of this is your fault." It was the middle of the night, Lauren had fallen asleep but Camila was awake with the girl still in her lap. A light shining caught her attention, it was bright so she figured it was from a phone torch. The door opened and Normani almost jumped until the light was shone on Camila and Lauren. "What's going on?" "Lauren was upset." "So were you, you were crying. I can tell." "Lauren's songs are so sad, they're really heart breaking Mani." Normani pouted and sat next to her girlfriend. Camila rested her head on Normani's shoulder, careful not to wake Lauren. "Have you slept?" "No, I wish. I can't stop thinking about what happened." Camila sniffled. "Aw baby, you know I wouldn't let you get hurt again. None of the girls would." "Yeah, I know that, but my anxiety doesn't. Or it does and it's ignoring that fact." "Is Lo alright?" Camila looked down at the sleeping green eyed girl and sighed, watching Normani's hand stroke the hair out of her best friend's face. "No, she's not." "Is she getting really bad again?" Camila looked at her girlfriend and smiled sadly, her voice cracking as her chin wobbled. "I don't know." "Well whatever happens we'll help her. You know we're all on top of looking after her, she's not alone." "I just hate that the strongest person in the band, the strongest person I know, suddenly became so broken." "I'm not sure if it was sudden." Normani sighed, staring at Lauren with love in her eyes. "All this hurt, it had to be built up over time. It's so powerful, and agonising, I mean look at her." "I know. She puts on a good facade though, I'll give her that." Camila said, licking her lips. "Mm. Do you think Dinah knows?" "No idea. But I think she probably would have told us if she thought so." Normani nodded and suddenly her tired eyes widened. "What is it?" "I forgot why I got up." "Why did you get up?" "Had to pee!" She said, strained as she bolted to the bathroom making Camila giggle. Camila carefully laid Lauren down on the couch and got up to go to Dinah's bunk. "Pst, Dinah wake up." Dinah groaned and squinted her eyes to look at whoever has woken her up. "What?" She mumbled, rubbing her eyes. "I'm really tired, can you come help me with something?" "I'm tired! You just woke me up!" "Shhh, please, some people are asleep!" "So was I!" "Dinah!" "Mila!" She mocked. "Why can't you get Ally or Mani?" "Because Normani's getting sick and Ally didn't sleep too good last night." Dinah huffed. "Well what about Lauren?" "She can't help me if she's the problem." Dinah's heavy eyes opened properly at that. "Is she okay?" "What do you think?" Camila deadpanned. "I don't know Dinah, she's been crying in my lap for God knows how long. She's been song writing but they're all really sad. She's hurting Cheechee, and I'm really scared that something's gonna happen again!" Dinah reached out and rubbed her best friend's shoulder as she saw her getting worked up. "Mila, nothing's gonna happen to Lauren, okay? We won't let anything happen to her." "Well are you coming or not?" "My bunk is too comfy, send her over here." "You're so lazy." Camila huffed. "This is your girlfriend!" "Who knows me very well." Dinah said matter of factly. "Ugh, okay fine, I'll bring her to your freakin' bunk, you lazy bum." "Great insult." Dinah deadpanned. "But really, thank you Mila, and thanks for telling me." A couple minutes later, Lauren was outside Dinah's bunk with a frown on her face. "Get in here babe." Dinah said, helping her girlfriend into her bunk and cuddling her from behind as Lauren faced the curtain. "I think we need to have a chat." Dinah said softly into her ear as her chin rested on her shoulder. "Why?" Lauren mumbled. "I think we both know why Lauren. Come on, what happened tonight?" Lauren sighed and closed her eyes. "You can't just close your eyes and pretend to be asleep." Lauren huffed. "Why not? It worked on Mani and Camz." Dinah chuckled. "Well they both get stupid when they're tired." "We heard that!" Normani and Camila called out at the same time. Dinah and Lauren smirked and Lauren turned over to look at her girlfriend. "I just feel like I'm bringing the group down." Dinah frowned. "Of course you're not! Don't be stupid. You are so important to Fifth Harmony, we wouldn't be where we are without you." "You probably would." "Lauren, think about it. We won a fucking VMA for a song that you sang most of, and pretty damn brilliantly at that." Dinah said seriously. But Lauren didn't speak, she didn't have any words. "Listen," Dinah readjusted her position. "Lauren even if the world is telling you you're not good enough, we'll tell you and prove to you that you are. Okay?" Lauren leaned in to kiss Dinah softly, both girls smiling as their lips touched. "Thank you." "It's okay. Do you feel better now?" "Hmm, I don't know, how about you kiss me again and I'll get back to you." Lauren smirked. "Pft. Asshole." "But you wanna kiss me." "I do wanna kiss you." Dinah huffed immediately as Lauren's sentence ended. Dinah pulled her closer as their lips collided again. "We should really sleep now. Interview tomorrow, early rise. It must be like 3 o' clock." "4 actually. We're up in two hours." Normani whispered as she got into her bunk just beneath them. "Oh shoot, goodnight guys." Dinah yawned, falling asleep in seconds as she cuddled up to her girlfriend. "Goodnight Mani." "Night Lo." "Mans?" Normani poked her head up again to look at Lauren. "Yeah?" "I love you." Normani smiled and leaned up to kiss her forehead. "I love you too. Goodnight." "Night." The green eyed girl smiled, falling asleep. Lauren could always rely on her band mates to be there for her.