Positive.
Positive.
My tears flow down my face as i stare at the two pregnancy test that i just had.
"Hi baby," I chuckled as i sat on the floor and smoothly rubbing my stomach.
This is so weird. I dont even know what to do and this feeling is swallowing me but im just too freaking happy. Im finally having one of my own and i cant wait to have her in my arms. I wanted to call him. Of course i wanted him to know but i cant. I cant have him know that the baby im carrying is his. He need to start building himself up first and i dont wanna break anything that is happening and about to happen in his life. He has to focus in the limelight, in his real world and not to mine. I know you may think that im selfish but im not. Im trying to save something for him. Im trying to protect him.
I dialed Kay's number and on the first ring she abruptly answered.
"Juls, are you okay?"
"Kaylah. It's positive," I almost scream in happiness.
"Oh my God!" and she lost it, she started screaming too. I laughed at the thought that my bestfriend is as excited as i am with this little cutie inside me.
"Im going to be a mom," i sighed happily.
"You are."
"Im so excited," a huge smile on my face stayed for a long minute until Kaylah declares,
"So you have to move in my apartment. Today."
"What?" i roared. I cant leave my little cabin. I mean this is all i have to remember him.
"Julie Anne San Jose, i dont even care about your cabin. All i care is about my soon to be baby. Please!"
Alright. She owns my baby too.
"Fine. I'll start packing my things now and pick me up tonight," i told her and about to end the call when she started yelling.
"Who told you youre packing? No. Im fetching you in thirty minutes and lets go shopping! Do you understand?" She asked bossily. What can i do?
"Alright. But let me pack some of my things, okay. I'll see you later," i said smiling.
"Okay. Oh and Juls!" she breathe. My brows met.
"Yeah?"
"I love you. So much. Im sorry for being so bossy. I just.. I just love you so much," she sniffles and it almost brought me to tears.
"I love you too, Kay. And thank you for everything. You're too important to me. You're my family. And oh damn you, please dont make me cry. Im such an emotional bitch right now," i laughed between my cry and i heard her too.
It's such a nice feeling to know that someone will constantly love you no matter what life throws you and no matter what you go through.
With Kaylah, im secured. And her being supportive is unbelievably overwhelming.
I knew that we're in this together.
It's lunch time when i finished packing my things. Well his things. I knew i shouldnt be gathering something that could remind me of him but i dont wanna fool myself. I need a piece of him. A piece of him that could remind me that he's part of my life.
I walked through my painting cabin to check it for the last time since i wont be here for a little longer, i wanna look at it so a picture of it could stay in my mind whenever i'll miss it.
The extra canvas in different sizes were on the side of the table, and so are the brushes and acrylics and everything. I looked at my paintings and soon realized that the recent one was missing.
It's impossible.
I searched for thirty minutes or so until Kay called that its time to go. I couldnt find it. We kept it here, i know, and just left here but....
Moses.
He probably was the one who took it and no one else.
"Juls, what are you waiting for? Time for us to go and eat some dinner. Dont starve yourself," Kay warned me and i nodded and followed her to the car.
Her escalade was well customized and im loving it. I should probably get one when my baby comes out. That thought made me happy and smiled.
"Anong nginingiti ngiti mo jan?" She asked, puzzled.
"Im loving your car. I was thinking of getting and customizing one when she comes out," i confessed and she giggled.
"I'll get her whatever she needs," she added.
"Cmon Kay, dont spoil her," i chuckled.
"You have to convince me," and that ends it. I know i have nothing more to say.
We got home by 7:30 in the evening and her pad was all ready.
"Left room is yours, Juls. Tomorrow we'll talk about important matters," she talked from the kitchen.
whatever that is, im ready. all i need right now is a long rest since im feeling so tired and sleepy again. This must be part of my pregnancy.
"Go and sleep now," she kissed my cheeks and i went to my room.
I slowly sat down on the edge of the bed as i pulled my bag and got some comfortable clothes to wear tonight. I chose his shirt and i never had shorts on and then washed my body to prepare for bed.
i had my earphones on and tried to listen to Demi Lovato's songs that i know could keep we feel better and silent but as i listen to her songs, my heart burns and cuts deeper. Nothing can fix and heal my bruised heart right now. Not even a bandage can do.
I had to stop because this will do no good to my baby but stupid me, i like hurting myself and breaking my heart too much. I held his phone and look for his music library. I suddenly found a folder renamed as EM's Music and 10 folders attached.
I opened one folder that called EM Fourth Album and listened to the first song. His song. It was entitled as Twilight.
"Twilight comes and you cry. I told you i love you and you asked why."
That line hits me and i couldnt help myself but break down silently. I cant let Kaylah hear me cry. I tried to calm myself as i listen to the rest of the folder and i survived five more songs. I never knew that he had this beautiful voice in him. He always plays me instrumental ones by Yiruma. I didnt stop streaming as my tears betraying me for the nth time. I knew to myself that i needed him but they needed him more. I couldnt take risk. Not right now. I can still keep my little secret to myself, its safer. I cant tell him yet. Not right now. It will surely complicate his life and i dont want to see him crash down because of me. I have to let him live the way he is supposedly living. Im fine and so is our soon to be little one.
...but right now, i can never hide away from the feeling of missing him. Too bad. And then i cried myself to sleep.
