" Business & pleasure "

With love

I woke up in a tense mood for some reason. I couldn't pinpoint exactly why. Then I looked at the time on my phone , it hit me.

Today was the anniversary of his death. It was even now still very hard to face this anniversary with a smile on my face , when all I wanted was to stay in bed and cry about all of our lost memories that once were.

They say move on , you will find love again. Death happens, just celebrate his life. Remember the good times when you get sad that he's gone. Well that's them, not me. I have a deep rooted ocean filled heart. I can't just " get on with my life ".

I decided to make some breakfast and coffee. Well the restaurant downstairs did. I just delivered it up to the guys. The aroma of the fresh brewed  coffee , filled my nose , it was heaven. I couldn't wait to run a company with him and Travis. Yea I was hesitant at first, because of the role of whoever was going to play head boss. But i had a good feeling we could all make it work eventually.

" Hey! Hey ! Come here. We need to talk. ". Travis said standing in his doorway in only a t-shirt and boxers.

" Ahem ! You might wanna tuck that in " I laughed and pointed down.

" Oh fuck ! Thank you". He gripped my shoulder and let me in his room. His bed was messy. I couldn't help but think back to all the times we snuggled in bed , watching action films , chowing down on popcorn and beers. Miss those times. I went and made myself at home. He grabbed the coffee and waffles out of my hand and set them both on the night table.

" What's up buddy ?" I pulled the blankets and pillows over to me and laid on my side.

" You know what today is right ? You wanna talk about it? Always know I'm here for you ". That just made me wanna cry. He just remembered things other would forget so easily. I almost lost it but instead ,  I held it in. When I'm by myself, I can cry as much as I need to.

" Thank you, I deeply appreciate that babe ". I said as I took in the fresh beach air blowing in the Windows.

" Come closer to me ". He had this sweet look on his face. I moved over and laid my head on his pillow. He followed suit and put his arm around my body.

" Your gonna make me wanna fall back asleep . I was thinking , why don't we go sailing ? I know a place that will let us rent a boat ? What do you think ? Take it off our bucket list ? Yes no maybe so ? ". I glanced up to see his eyes staring out the window above me. I wondered what he was thinking. He was a guys guys  with that rough kind of exterior , but also had a sweet side , that would protect you and bring you out of the darkest sadness. He had a gift.

" I have a better idea. Let's just drink some coffee and then get back to the day. I have a plan, but you have to wait till later. ". We both enjoyed our coffee. I poked my head up as I heard the door. Who could that be ? Shannon most likely .

Travis got up and answered it. Sure enough, it was Shannon. He didn't look happy though.

I saw that look on his face. I just knew he was about to overreact.

" Hey you ! How did you sleep ?" I felt nervous.

" I slept fine, what's going on ?" He didn't budge when Travis asked him to come inside.

" She's just visiting with me , why ?" Travis handed him a cup of coffee and Shannon tossed it to the floor. That was rude!

" Yea maybe you should leave , Travis and I are just visiting Shannon. It's not whatever your thinking. Your welcome to join us when you calm down ".

" I am calm! You know , it's just when you wake up and notice that your girl in is your buddies bed, i think it would make you a little upset , wouldn't it ?" He folded his arm  , I heard enough of it. This was becoming annoying with his up an down moods. And especially today of all days.

I got up and left the room , not saying a word to anyone. I needed breathing space for a couple hours.

I realized I left my phone on the bed. Oh well , more peace and quiet for me.

The beach waves washed away my aching heart. I missed my old life badly. Married life fit me. Love,  security and support were always at my feet. I never had to worry or wonder what was gonna happen day to day. I felt tears coming and I could no longer hold them back.

I kept walking. I felt the warmth of sun on my skin. The sound of birds flying overhead. Off in the distance , I hear beautiful music paying. I wanted to dance , so I did. I grabbed handfuls of sand and tossed it up in the sky, as I spun around. Laughing and acting like a five year old who had just arrived at the beach for the very first time.

Time stood still. I closed my eyes. Photos in my memory flashed before my eyes of him and I. The first time I laid eyes on him. Auh the first time he held my hand and kissed me under the rainy night sky. Oh and especially the beautiful moment he asked me to marry him. My knees shook , hands sweaty , heart racing so fast. I could barely get the words out to say I love you.

I felt such a raw deep mixed emotions. Overwhelming , yet freeing to release the sadness through tears and happiness in a smile and laugher.

" You want company ? Or should I come back and just leave you alone ". No way ! It couldn't be !

I open my eyes and there in front of me is my love, Brian. How can this be ? He looks the same as the day I met him.

" You miss me ? ". I saw him smile and I ran to him he hugged me.  I swear if I wasn't crazy I could really feel his warmth. His lips on my skin.

" I thought of you everyday. I love you so much and miss you ". I lost it with tear filled eyes and shaky knees.

" I love you too. I'm always with you in your heart. I'm never far from you ". I look and see his smile. It's just as beautiful as I remember it to be.

" Are you really here right now ?"  I touch his face as he starts to fade away. I don't want him to leave me again.

" Don't forget about me Julie. I have to go now. I just wanted to come see you and know that your doing ok. Go to him , he loves you. I see he does when he's with you. Let him love you like I used to. Don't end your journey for love weeping from my memory. Make yourself happy , live life to the very last breath & don't look back on regrets. Do it for me. Promise me you will?"   

I felt his hands on my face as he kissed me then slowly faded away.

" I promise you , I love you and will never forget you Brian. I love you !!!"  

He was gone  once again. But his words never left me. Nor did his touch.

I grabbed my sandals and ran as fast as I could back to the hotel room.

" Where can she be ? Maybe the beach ? Who knows maybe she's ....."   They both stopped taking as I came rushing through the door.

I threw my arms around his neck tackling him to the bed and kissed him with all my might. His tongue pushed passed my lips,  our hands all over each other.

" I'm gonna come back later " Travis said as he laughed on the way out the door.

I poked my head up to say " Thank you , its gonna be awhile". I laughed and went back to kissing Shannon. 

" What's gotten into you ?"   He brushed hair off my cheek.

" Let's just say I feel better and had time to think about things .  I love you ".  I said as he looked at  me with those enchanting eyes of wonder.

" Not as much as I love you. I wanna make you just happy as you make me ". 

"Kiss me again you fool ".  I said as I ran my fingers through his hair. That killer smile of his made me feel like a teenager who just found love at first sight.  Sweetest feeling a girl could ever experience in her lifetime besides taking her vows or the feeling holding her child as he or she takes her very first breath. Those indescribable moments , that made life so beautiful.

He smacked my butt and said " With pleasure ".  Those lips , I just couldn't get enough of them.