❤ Innocent Rebel ❤

Chapter 44

----- you broke my heart, but I still love you with all the pieces left -----

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Mia
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Lex's funeral was held a week later.
No words can explain how I am feeling.
I hadn't been able to stay during the funeral. Chris had had to grab me and take me away. I suppose I made myself look like a fool, when I had thrown myself onto his casket, begging him to come back, but I don't care.
I don't really care about anything. I feel nothing. I'm numb.
Now, that everyone has left, I walk back to his grave. I lay on top of the freshly layed dirt. Flowers make me a nice pillow. I don't cry. I have no more tears. I feel nothing, just numbness.

Later that night, I lay on his bed. Smelling his pillow, there is just a faint smell of him left. Jess stands at the door, looking in on me. I can't speak. I have no words.
I wasn't even able to speak to the police when they were investigating what had happened. The papers cleaned it up nicely.
Just another gang related shooting.
I had wondered how John had been kept from going to jail, considering his darkened reputation, but then it was explained that John had some very good connections with the cops. It didn't really matter much, John might as well had died along with his son because he isn't much better off than I am. At least, that's what I'm guessing, since John has pretty much stayed locked up away from us all.
Lex is gone and he has taken our hearts with him. But no ones more than mine.
His last words to me were that he loved me. How long I had waited to hear him say those words. And then when he said them, he was gone. But he had fought, he had stayed alive for several hours once he made it to the hospital but he hadn't been strong enough.
My Lex. The love if my life is gone.
We had made love for the first time only hours before I had been kidnapped. If I had only known how that night would end......
If..... I hate the word.
If, has no mercy. If, I had known..... If I had been shot inside of him. If, he had lived. If, I could change this. If.....

It is exactly two days later, that I realize I dont even have a picture of Lex. The only thing I have is the memories of him. His smile. His beautiful eyes. The deepness of his voice. His touch on my skin. His tattoos. The way he would watch me when he thought I wasn't looking. Today I have found myself sitting in his closet, running my fingers over his clothes. I end up on the floor, in the fetal position, holding his shirts in my hands. Mawmaw finds me and helps me back to bed. I lay here now, not able to move, and feeling as if my heart is no longer beating.

Six days after that, I am able to move around the house again. I may only be a zombie but at least I am out of bed. Jess and Chris are in the kitchen, baking cookies together. They seem so happy and I know that they are hopelessly in love. A selfish part of me hates them for that. And yet another part is just happy that they have each other. I find Oscar sitting in the livingroom on the sofa. He hasn't said much lately. He has just kept to himself. Like me. Like John. Like everyone. I sit next to him. He tries to hide the fact that he is surprisedto see me out of bed. We watch a movie, neither of us really watching it, just looking at the TV. Finally, Oscar stands. He leaves the room but then returns with a book in his hands. He hands it to me. It's not just any book. It's Lex's scetch book. I have no idea where he found it.

"I wouldn't open it here, if I were you. I'd wait until I was alone. But it's up to you," Oscar warns me.

I nod my understanding. And do as he has suggested and return to my room. When I open the portfolio, I find that the first few pages are drawings of crosses and landscapes. As always as beautiful and detailed as ever. I trace my fingers over the pages. Tears fill my eyes. As I turn the page, I lose it.
A drawing of me.
The wind is blowing my hair in the picture.
I'm walking somewhere.
The next is another drawing of me. I'm laughing.
Another of me reading.
Then of me sleeping.
Of me and Jess.
Mawmaw.
Oscar.
Even John.
Then more of me.
Me at the tattoo shop behind the desk.
Me making a silly face.
Every drawing is detailed as if it had been taking by a camera, not by a pencil.
I realize that in my hands, I hold Lex's memories of us all. Of me. And I cry even harder.
The last page that he used was not of a drawing but instead held words. I sat up to read them, imagining his voice speaking them to me.

'How can someone come into your world and change everything?
Mia did for me.
My entire life has new meaning now. Protecting and caring for her has become everything to me.
She has become the light in my dark world.
She has brought so much love to me.
And that I can never understand...
I was so hateful when she first met me. So full of myself. And she sees past that.... All my bullshit.
She is so good.
So kind.
Everything that I am not.
And even though, I don't understand it, she loves me.
I wish that I could find the words to explain to her, that she will never really understand how much she has given me.
Or how much, I love her too. '

(Well, I hope everyone doesn't hate me for this. Please, let me know what you guys are thinking! Thank u all for reading!)