American Woman

Chapter 1

April 1993
"Roxie, she really is one of the smartest little  girls! And gets more beautiful and looks more like her momma everyday." my mom gushed while I colored alongside Zoe.
"Diane my heart is just breaking for her. She adores both her parents. I was hoping she would have a happier childhood than Sy and I created for Lenny." Roxie replied.
"Who says she won't? You and Sy should have divorced long before you did. Maybe doing it now while she's young will be better than waiting until she's an adult like y'all did. Do you know what they have worked out about her custody?" Diane asked.
"I think on paper Lisa will have sole custody but Lenny seems to think she will let him see Zoe anytime he wants and is able to...when he's home and not traveling. I hope she sticks to her word on that. I can't imagine not seeing my grandbaby often." worried Roxie.
"Ms. Roxie you will. I don't know Lisa very well but I'm sure she knows how much Lenny and Zoe love each other. What woman would try to ruin that?" I interjected.
"Well sugar she's pretty hot at him at the moment. Hence why he isn't even trying for joint custody." Roxie replied.
"What she's so upset about?" I asked.
Before I could get a response, Lenny entered the kitchen. Zoe jumps up into his arms yelling "daddy!" "Hey baby girl! What have you been doing?" Lenny asked while kissing her cheek. My heart fluttered at seeing the man who I shared so many fond memories as a child with but who I hadn't really seen much in the last several years besides occasional holidays and other rare moments. The last time I remember laying eyes on him was almost 2 years ago when he popped in to pick up Zoe one day from Ms. Roxie and I just happened to be there. I don't even think he saw me. He seemed distressed and left as soon as he got there. Most of the time it was Lisa who would drop off and pick up Zoe the times I was there. Never really knew her more than just the friendly greetings we would exchange, but I envied her more than any other woman. I can't believe she wants a divorce from Lenny. I just can't understand. Does she not appreciate how gorgeous and perfect he is...if I was married to him and had his child, there is no way I would ever let him go. But I can't say I'm too bummed about it. Thinking of him touching her, kissing her, making love to her always drove me mad!
"I've been coloring with Jen!" Zoe squealed snapping me out of my thoughts.
"I think she is a better colorer than me." I laughed while holding up the paper.
"I do remember that you had quite the trouble with your fine motor skills when you were about her age. I just about killed myself trying to help you learn to write your name!" smiled Lenny. "But looks like you've improved in that area."
"Grandma can we go swing now? You promised you would push me really high this time!" Zoe asked.
"Jensen we should get going. Your father will be home any minute and wondering what's for dinner I'm sure." my mom said while making her way to the front door.
"No I want Jen to stay! Please Ms. Diane!" Zoe pleaded.
"Well I didn't bring my car sweet girl. I rode with mom this time. I'm sorry." I replied.
"Oh honey just stay Lenny can take you home when he leaves." Roxie said while walking out the back with Zoe.
Before I knew it I was alone with him. I don't remember being alone with him since I was about 10. I could feel my blood pressuring rising. I think he could sense my nervousness and pulled out a chair on the opposite end of table and sat down.
"So I can't even remember the last time I saw you. It's been years." he began. "You sure have grown up. I'm really sorry about missing your graduation last year. I was out on tour somewhere..."
"In Europe...London. That's ok. I got your card. Thanks for your sweet words."
"I was in London, huh?"
"Um well I think. That's what your mom told me."
"Oh I thought maybe you had my tour memorized." he winked.
I could feel the blood rushing to my cheeks and it felt like the temperature in the room went up at least 20 degrees.
"So what have you been up to since you graduated? I think I recall mom mentioning you decided to take a year off before attending school."
"Yeah I've just been working at the bank. I plan to go to college in the fall. Even though I still have no idea what avenue I want to pursue. Whatever it is, it won't be fascinating like traveling the world and playing music."
"Well it may be fascinating but my personal life is paying for it."
Before you could elaborate, Zoe runs in covered in mud.
"What happened, sweetheart? Did you fall out of the swing?" Lenny asked.
"No dad! I jumped out and landed right in the mud puddle! It was awesome!"
"I told her there is no way you will let her in your car like this. Why don't you go ahead and run Jen home while I give her a bath and have her ready for you when you get back." Roxie replied.
It's about a 15 minute ride to my house and after 5 of awkward silence I couldn't take it anymore. There were so many things I wanted to say and ask. But I couldn't bring myself to say anything so I switched on the radio. Prince's "Diamond and Pearls" came on.
"Oh I love this song!" I exclaimed.
"Yeah he's a pretty cool cat. I've met him a couple times recently." Lenny replied.
"Oh my god! You've met him?!" I screamed way louder than I intended.
"Whoa! Yeah I have. I take it you enjoy his music?" Lenny asked.
"Who doesn't?! He's incredible. Don't you agree?"
"He is a stellar musician that's for sure. I'm kinda thinking you like more than just his music though from that squeal you let out."
"Oh come on! Why can't a girl like a guy's music without having to have some sort of crush on him?!"
"Well do you like my music?"
"Absolutely!"
"What is your favorite song of mine?"
"That's really hard. I love them all. I guess if I had to pick one it would be "It ain't over 'til it's over."
When I said that his face seemed to fall.
"Well it sure is over now."
"Hey I'm sorry I didn't mean to make you feel bad. I shouldn't have picked that one."
"Why are you apologizing? If that's your favorite song then that's your favorite song? But I do have a new album called "Are you gonna go my way" coming out soon. Maybe you will have a new favorite song. But the more important question is...does your crush thing apply to me and my music too?"
My heart started pumping so hard I was sure he could hear it. After several "umms" and "wells" and just plain acting a fool, I finally blurted out, "I've known you all my life. That makes it different."
"Oh yeah? How so? I'm too much of a big brother type for you to ever have a crush on?"
"Hell no I've never looked at you as my brother."
"Really? I always felt like you were family. I thought you would have felt the same too."
"Oh I did...I do. Just not in a brother/sister sense."
"Well what other way could there be?"
"I'm not sure, but since I fantasized about you I don't think it was a sibling type bond I was feeling."
"You what?! Did you just say you fantasized about me? When?"
"From the time I was about 8. Please don't think I'm weird."
"Well I was 18 that's not exactly normal."
"I think you just stopped coming around as much by that time and I really missed you."
"Oh ok so you fantasized about me coming over to hang out more. Geez I thought you meant sexually there for a minute."
"Imagining you coming over is called pretending. I said fantasizing so yes it was sexual."
The car abruptly stopped as we had reached our destination. I started to get out as I was mortified that I had just spilled everything to him. What did I think was going to happen?
"Well thanks for the ride. If you ever need someone to watch Zoe when Roxie can't I would be glad to. She is such a sweet girl." I blurted out as I ripped open the door and scurried to the front door.
I raced up to my room, slammed the door, and screamed into my pillow. I'm such an idiot! How am I ever going to face him again? I just told him I had been sexually fantasizing about him since I was 8. Not only is he not going to want to see me again but he sure as hell won't want me around Zoe. He probably thinks I'm some kind of freak who will put thoughts in his daughter's head.
About 20 minutes later our house phone rang. Oh great I thought. That's probably Ms. Roxie calling to tell my mom what a nasty little freak I am. I will be mortified if he has told his mom. I can't have her or my parents thinking of me like that. I'm a good girl. I made good grades, I don't drink or do drugs, and I'm still a virgin. My one dirty little secret is I get off to my childhood crush. And I had to just go blab that to him like it was nothing.
"Jen!" my mom yelled from downstairs. "Pick up the phone."