American Woman

Chapter 27

It's crazy how one thing can seem to change the course of your whole life. Roxie's cancer diagnosis literally crushed Lenny and sent him on a downward spiral that I never could have predicted. Between trying to complete his album, trying to promote it, and taking care of his mom, not only did I rarely ever see him, but trying to get pregnant went on the back burner. So far back, in fact, that it was never even mentioned at all for months. I didn't even make the doctors appointment. Between Roxie's announcement in July and October I felt single or like a widow or something. I definitely didn't feel married anymore. I even felt a bit like a single mom when Zoe was at our house. One day in mid October while getting Zoe ready for bed she starts crying and says "I miss daddy. He's never here anymore. Does he not love us anymore?"
"Of course he does sweetheart. He will never stop loving us. Ever. He is just super busy with work. He has to make money to take care of us. And grandma Roxie is really sick remember? He is taking care of her."
"I just wish he would come home."
"Me too baby girl. But I know he misses us too. I will see if I can get him to stay home or take you over to grandmas tomorrow night. Ok?"
"Thanks Jen. I used to like it better over here than at mommys house but without daddy it's not near as fun."
"Well thanks a lot!" I say tickling her. "I know what you mean though. Life isn't as fun for me anymore either. But what's so bad about your moms house?"
"Nothing is wrong with it. She just makes me do stuff you and daddy don't."
"Like what?"
"Like eat everything on my plate before I can leave the table and clean my room before I go to bed!"
"Well those aren't bad things Zoe. She's just being a good momma."
"You're a good mommy too Jen. Are you and daddy going to have a baby soon?"
"I don't know. Maybe. Do you want us to?"
"Yes! I want a sister so I can do makeovers on her."
"You silly girl. Ok get in the bed. You have school tomorrow."
"Goodnight Jen. I love you."
"I love you too Zoe."
When Lenny finally got home around midnight and climbed into bed I decided to mention my conversation with Zoe to him. I turn to face him and say "babe Zoe was really missing you tonight. You really need to try to carve out some time each week for her. I told her I would ask you about tomorrow night."
"Jensen I'll be with my mom again tomorrow."
"Well can't you take her with you?"
"No I can't! Ok?!"
"Why not? Lenny you need to spend time with your daughter. This isn't right."
"Nothing about this fucking situation is right! Mom is looking pretty bad. She's doesn't want Zoe to see her like that, and neither do I."
"Well do you think you can see her for an hour or two when she gets home from school and then head over to your moms."
"Will you just lay off of me! Damn! Not only is my mom dying and  Virgin riding me about how my album is flopping because I can't tour to promote it and threatening to drop me if I don't have a successful next album, but now I come home to you down my throat. I wish everyone would just leave me the fuck alone! I can only take so much! I'm doing the best I can."
"Don't they know about your mom?"
"Of course they know. Do you think they give a shit? All they care about is how much money I can bring in."
"Alright I'm sorry. Forget I even said anything."
"And don't even get me started on you."
"What the hell does that mean?"
"On top of everything else you still aren't pregnant!"
"Lenny I haven't mentioned anything about that in months."
"You may have not said anything but I see it in your eyes. You look at me like I'm a failure. I guess I fucking am! I can't impregnate my wife, my kid hates me, my record label thinks I suck, and I can't stop the cancer from eating my mom up!"
"Stop it! None of that stuff is true! I love you. Zoe loves you. Your record label are being dicks and what's happening to your mom has nothing to do with you! It's just a really bad season in life right now. But we can get through it. I know we can."
Lenny pulls me closer and kisses my lips. "I'm sorry babe. I just am so stressed out I can't even think straight. I didn't mean to take it out on you. Please forgive me. I need you now more than ever. You are my rock."
"I'm here Lenny. I will always be here for you. Never doubt that."