American Woman

Chapter 28

Thanksgiving was, without a doubt, the most depressing holiday I've ever experienced. To think just 2 short years ago it was one of the best days of my life. How quickly life can change! In my 21 years I had never spent it anywhere but at Roxie's house. This year Roxie was in hospice so we had it at my parents house. Lenny stayed with his mom at the hospice house and Zoe spent it with her mom. I was bummed. I was lonely. I just wanted to have one day where I wasn't consumed with it all. Hell I would even take just a few hours. So when Mayte called me up the next day and said she and Prince would be in town on December 1 for a performance at the VH1 Fashion Awards and invited me and Lenny to attend, I was stoked. I went to up to find Lenny at the hospice house to discuss it with him since I never knew if or when he would be home. I was hoping he would agree to attend with me and we could just have a couple hours to blow off steam. He needed it. I needed it. We needed it. I hadn't visited Roxie in a couple days and wanted to see her so I jumped in my car and raced to the hospice house about 10 miles away. When I pulled into the parking lot I noticed Lenny's new gray SLX parked in a secluded area. I assumed he parked there because he didn't want anyone to ding his doors. After I parked and got out I noticed he was sitting in the wayback with his back and head pressed up against the rear windshield. As I approached the vehicle I noticed his eyes were closed and I figured he had come out there to catch a quick nap. I can only imagine how exhausted he was. I almost turned to go inside and let him sleep, but I really wanted to discuss the show with him and I wasn't sure if I would have another opportunity. So I lightly tapped on the window and his eyes fluttered open. He looks shocked to see me but he gave me a faint smile and unlocked the door. I climbed in and took a seat on the floor next to him. "Hey babe. How are you?" I asked. I noticed his eyes were bloodshot and assumed he had probably been crying until he passed out.
"I just don't know how much longer I can do this. I can't keep going at this rate."
"I know baby. Is there anything I can do to help?"
"Just stay with me for a few minutes. I miss you."
"Did you hit a skunk or something? It smells weird in here."
"I don't think so."
He pulls me into his body and as I reach to put my arm around his waist I accidentally knock over his cup of water that I didn't see.
"Shit baby! I'm sorry. Let me get some napkins from the glove compartment." I say while starting to climb over the seats.
"Wait! I'll get it." He says. "Just sit back down sugar."
"You have some girl's panties in there don't you?! You are cheating on me aren't you?! You son of a bitch!" I yell while scrambling to get to the compartment before he did.
"Are you crazy?! I'm not fucking cheating on you Jen! Fine open it up!"
I had never suspected Lenny of cheating for one minute of our relationship but something about the way he didn't want me to open it I knew he was trying to hide something. And in my current state of mind about our faltering relationship it was the first place my brain jumped. I ripped open the door to the glove compartment and a ziplock bag of weed falls on the floorboard. "So you're getting high?! Your mom is on her deathbed and your in your vehicle lighting up. Are you fucking serious?"
"I just need a break from it all sometimes. I don't do it often. I swear baby. It just helps relieve some of the stress."
"Here I was thinking your eyes were bloodshot bc you had been crying. Nope! You're just stoned!" I climb back to the spilled drink and pick up the cup to smell it. "This is straight vodka! So your drink and high?!"
"I just need a release from the tension Jen. Please don't be mad."
"Well can you at least find an alternative way to get your anger and frustration out."
"I don't know what else to do."
"Use me."
"What do you mean?"
"Just use me to let it all out. Let me help you baby. Fuck me." Lenny immediately starts ripping his clothes off and so do I. In some sick twisted way I was hoping to help him and maybe begin to mend our fragile relationship.
Once we are both undressed, Lenny forces me to the floor of the wayback and onto my stomach. Before I can even think about the fact that someone might walk by, he plunges himself into my ass. I immediately scream out in pain. It must have sounded like pleasure to him because he begins to pick up the pace and the SUV begins to rock. I wanted so much to help him that I tried to just endure the pain but it was just too much. "Stop! Lenny please stop! You're hurting me!" I shout and streams of tears rush down my face. He immediately pulls out. I know it would kill him if he knew it but I had never felt so cheap in my life. For the first time in our entire relationship I didn't feel any love radiating from him. I just felt sorrow. I felt anger. I felt a total disconnect. "I'm sorry Jen. I'm fucking wasted."
I had a feeling this wouldn't be the last time I would hear those words.