Insatiable

19

"Why did you tell me all of those things? About not liking girls and that you didn't have feelings for me?" I asked watching Maliah pack her messenger bag.

She sighed and stopped, "Because I wasn't sure. Our first kiss ... it was really heavy on me. I'm still confused. And I'm not ready for anything. I don't even know if I like girls."

I nodded, feeling decent about this, "I understand. I just wish you weren't fighting it this entire time. I wish you told me.

"I hope you understand this is dangerous for our relationship. It can ruin everything."

"It won't." I replied.

"How do you know?"

I shrugged, "Because you're my best friend before anything. I can't lose you Maliah. You're the only thing I have."

"I'm scared," She admitted. "Really scared."

"We're not rushing into anything. We'll take our time ... talk it through. I just ... really enjoy kissing you."

She looked away, "I know."

Last night was insane. After she pulled me in for a kiss and told me what she did, my brain basically shut down. It was too much to handle. It was also extremely confusing. It was just a pool of emotions inside of me. I didn't know what to feel first.

But we didn't talk about it much last night. We actually just went to bed. That gave me enough time to let it marinate. This is the first time we're talking about it now. At six in the morning. Before shitty school.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

She nodded, "I'm fine. I'm actually just full of thoughts and stuff ..."

I stand up and walk to her. She's frantic and restless. I can tell by the way her eyes are darting around ... and her hands won't stay still. I didn't think it would effect her this way. It's nice to know she's as scared as I am though.

I grab her and pull her to me. She still has her pajamas on. She takes a deep breath and grabs my shoulders.

"It's gonna be okay," I whispered. "This is something that we're gonna handle. Together."

She shook her head, "I don't wanna hurt you, Jax."

I kiss her forehead and smile, "You've stabbed so many knives in my heart already. I'm practically numb."

"Jax that's not funnyy ..." She whined.

I laughed because I just couldn't help it. I can't believe this is happening. I cup her face and just embrace her. I don't know how long this is going to last so I have to just enjoy it now.

"How did you know?" She paused. "That you were ... in love with me."

"I knew because you became the center of my fucked up world, but it's different for everybody." I answered.

She smiled, "That's sweet." 

I shrugged, "I guess."

"You kept this from me for so long ... I feel like shit."

"Don't. Shit happens."

"Jax ... I can't identify as anything yet. You're aware of your sexuality. I don't know what this is. I've never looked at girls ..." She drifted off.

"Or guys for that matter."

"Exactly," She said. "What if I'm not really in love with you? What if it's just a phase? What if -"