Insatiable

25

I slammed the front door.

I've been out of it this entire day.

Going to Hielee's house was a good escape until I woke up and realized that one of my worst nightmare's actually came true.

My Mom spoke, reminding me I'm not alone in the house, "Jax, why did your school call me and tell me you missed all of your classes?"

I ignore her and walk past the kitchen, around the corner and up the stairs. All of a suddenly the school calls to announce my disappearance. Bullshit. Out of all days, this one. Unfortunately it makes sense since I've been on a good streak ever since me and Maliah formed our little thing.

"Jax?" She said softly.

I stomp away, feeling my face heat up again. Tears form in my eyes.

The cold air in my room makes me shiver. My book bag slides down my arms and hits the floor. I plop down on my bed hoping to get some tears out. I couldn't cry when I was with Hielee. My body was physically not allowing it. I don't think my body was going to physically allow me to talk either.

I feel the soreness in my knuckles. I ball my fists and try to make it go away. I'd rather feel any other pain than this right now.It feels like I can't breathe without my heart aching.

I wish today never happened.

How do I snap back to being a normal friend with her? I feel like it's not possible. My heart will forever be damaged. She is my first love and probably my only love. I can't imagine myself falling for anyone else. I wouldn't want to fall for anyone else, she knows me best. She knows how to deal with me and she's been with me through my hardest times. Any other girl would  run the other way.

I don't care if I deserve her or not. She's the one for me, in my heart, but I'm not the one for her?

I didn't hear Jane come up the stairs or even the floorboards creak when she came up the stairs, but when I did get up, she was standing there, by my door. Her eyes didn't move from mine, but as we continued to stare each other down my eyes got even more watery and I finally started crying. I finally broke down in front of the last person I would've thought to cry too.

Jane Keen rushed over to me and placed her cold soft hands on my face. Inside I flinched because I can't remember the last time I actually felt an embracing touch from either of my parents. It feels weird, but familiar. I can only remember the harsh sting and heat from the slaps Eric delivered from time to time.

"What's going on with you?" She whispered. It sounded more like a rhetorical statement than anything. I don't feel like talking. There's too much to explain and I'm just tired. Really, really tired.

Her thumbs swiped across my eyes multiple times, but I guess she figured my tears weren't going to stop anytime soon so she pulled me into a hug instead. A really awkward and warm hug.

It felt like a lifetime before I actually could stop crying. My Mom didn't say anything. It felt a little invasive. I mean ... who really cries in front of their parents? Crying has always felt like something personal even among Maliah. I don't like being seen in such a shitty state.

"What's going on?" She asked again.

I dropped my head in my hands and sighed, "Maliah ... kinda broke my heart today."

"Is that why you've been on such a good streak? You and Maliah were -"

I picked my head back up, but kept my eyes down at my floor, "We weren't dating. Well sort of. There was no title ... just ... testing the waters?"