Counterpoint

Chapter 4

Alexander

   I have the blankets wrapped as tightly around me as I can. My eyes are tightly scrunched shut as I try to force the roar of the thunder outside to silence itself into oblivion, but the way that the very floor tremors from its fury keeps me awake. I can't stop my body from trembling as I lie here on this plush mattress sweating in fear of a force nature that my logical mind knows cannot reach me indoors. My body is trembling uncontrollably as a particularly bright flash of lightening illuminates the room and the thunder roars its delayed fury through the night air. 

   The blankets become my shield and my makeshift hide away as I duck my head underneath the blankets and tuck them underneath my head, tenting me inside of the blankets. My warm breath blasts against the blanket and is then reflected back at me making me sweat even more profusely from the now unnecessary heat. I wrap my arms around my chest like an embrace and imagine that I am somewhere far away from all this natural chaos that is waging a war in the sky. Most people when they imagine themselves in such a situation would try to visualize somewhere tropical, but why would I want to visualize a place where my fear only grows exponentially worse due to the ocean acting as a canvas for nature to create a destructive masterpiece on the few small pieces of land that exist amongst the crashing waves?

   "There is nothing for you to worry about Alex, I'm right here." 

   "Except you're not." I whisper with trembling lips. Why does Laurens always have the worst possible timing to return to the forefront of my memory? It is always when I am at my lowest and most frightened that he returns to me. I know that my subconscious is only trying to provide me with something that could possibly comfort me, but sometimes I wish that my subconscious would simply mind its own business.

   "It's just a little bit of rain, light, and a large sound. When you think of it in such a way, is it really so scary?"

   "Shut up John." I find myself muttering even though the words I am replying to can only be found inside of my head and heard inside the depths of my memory. John had been one of my only friends that had known about the true extent of my fear of thunderstorms and were exactly this fear stemmed from. He was the only one that I had ever told that story to. That I had been capable of reliving that horrible day too. He had been so understanding and compassionate, trying to help me get over my fears and to face them so I wouldn't have to live my life constantly fearful of the next thunderstorm. His tactics had been helping and then one day he just disappeared. No note, no call. Just vanished like a puff of smoke.

   It has been almost two years now since he disappeared. There are no leads on what could have happened to him. From how the entire situation is laid out it almost seems like Laurens just decided one night to up and leave. Leave his apartment, leave his city, his friends, me. He just vanished from all our lives without a word of warning or goodbye. We don't even know if he is alive. I hope with all my heart that my friend is unharmed and that whatever force had persuaded him to depart from New York City and everyone who loved him would persuade him to come back home and return to the people who are here waiting for him.

   Thunder cracks and I cover my mouth to stifle the scream that escapes me. This isn't like me being back at my apartment. I can't cry out like I would at home, not with Jefferson sleeping right down the hall. I am already inconveniencing him enough by being here. He had been strangely considerate enough to invite me to stay the night with him, I cannot repay him by keeping him from sleeping by crying out in fright like a child. I have to control myself. Restrain my reactions.

   I can see the lightening illuminating the room through my blankets and the light begins to distort through the wall of tears that are beginning to form right behind my eyelashes. Why? Why can't I simply get over this fear? I want more than anything in this world to simply let go of my fear and move on with my life. Sleep through a thunderstorm without being reminded of drowning faces and rising water. My fingers tighten around my shoulders as I cling onto myself tightly, praying to a god that has never listened to me before that the storm would quickly pass.

   My body feels so heavy. The exhaustion from today is finally catching up to me and weighing down on me like an anchor. I want nothing more than to sleep but I know that for as long as the storm is still raging outside sleep will continue to evade me. I know better than try to fight the storm and its grip on my life. My only remaining option is to simply wait it out and hope that I can get enough sleep to be able to function properly at work the next day. More than likely I will be just as exhausted tomorrow as I am right now.

   Thunder roars and I bite down harshly on the inside of my lip to keep from crying out. My eyes are beginning to droop and I close them to stop the burn that has begun from the sheer exhaustion of my muscles. I want to sleep, but I know that I can't. This stupid fear that always keeps me from sleeping peacefully on nights like this. 

   Don't fall asleep. 

   Don't sleep. 

   Stay awake damn you. 

   Stay awake. 

   Stay...