Counterpoint

Chapter 74

Thomas

   The night air has only cooled slightly, holding onto the remaining humidity of the day. My clothes are clinging closely to my skin as I walk through the muggy air. It has been two hours since Alexander has confessed to the secrets he had been concealing from me for months. I don't know what hurts more, the reality of the situation or the fact that he had withheld this information from me for so long? Regardless of which aspect is the most painful it doesn't alter the internal turmoil that has been formed into a storm of indecision and hurt.

   I stand underneath one of the many honey locusts that have been planted across the expanse of my property. Small specks of starlight peek through the darkening sky as I stand stationary in reverence. There have been several evenings similar to this one where I had looked up at the night sky and imagined that Martha had been looking back at me through the portholes of the stars. The thought had offered me such comfort in those moments, but now I can't stand the thought of Martha looking down at me knowing that she had kept such a secret from me. 

   The three people I loved and trusted over anyone else have all lied to me. Is this just my fate to be betrayed and heartbroken by those I have chosen to love and trust? If so, perhaps it is better to not love anyone other than my child. Eliza Hamilton had been rather successful in that regard until just recently. My heart aches at the thought of her being pregnant with Alexander's child. A metallic taste coats my tongue as I wonder if the child will possess his eyes or his quick wit. Would I be around to discover that for myself or will I run off somewhere with my daughter? My life has been thrown into upheaval and I am left to try and fit all the broken and chaotic pieces back into a more organized structure.

   Yellow light pours through the windows of Monticello. I can see the indistinct forms of my family walking around the manor, their silhouettes filling the windows they pass. My family has all convened in the one place that they know I would gravitate towards. Monticello had always been my refuge from the rest of the world, but now that my home is inhabited by the people who had kept my child away from me for three years I don't find any relief being on the property.

   "You should go talk to them." All of my muscles tense at the mere sound of Alexander's voice in the fading light. I don't turn around as I rest a hand on the tree trunk beside me. My eyes slide shut as I try to reject the warming of my chest and the pounding of my heart in response to his presence. "It really is beautiful here. Shame that I have to see it for the first time in the fading light of the sun."

   "You shouldn't be here." I reply after finally recovering enough of my voice to respond. Hidden gashes on my heart begin to bleed anew as I feel the weight of his eyes resting on my back. "I don't want to see you."

   "I understand that." He answers calmly. I hear the grass shift underneath his feet as he slowly approaches me in the darkness. "I'm not here because you want to see me, but because you need me to be here." 

   "You think I need you here?" I question incredulously. "After everything that happened this evening you believe that I will want your help out of all people?"

   "I don't believe you need my help with anything." he replies with an overwhelming abundance of honesty, my heart stutters at the sound of his genuine words. "You are one of the most capable men I have ever known."

   "Then why are you here?"

   "You and I need each other. We have established such a truth to be certain on several occasions now." He strides up beside me. "I have made several mistakes throughout my life. Not trusting you with the details of my divorce is one of the biggest mistakes I have ever made." 

   "You consider this to be your biggest mistake? Not the destruction of your first marriage or your relationship with your children?" I ask coolly, bitter feelings bubbling out of the fresh wounds inflicted by the exposure of the truth. I grit my teeth as he rests a hand on my shoulder. "Perhaps you should strive for a better perspective on your actions." 

   "Perhaps you're right." His voice is quiet and remorseful. "Those were mistakes that I regret with all my heart, but they pale in comparison to what I have done to you."

   "Don't say things that you don't mean." I murmur hoarsely. "You don't do remorse, never have. Eliza and I are no different from one another just another broken soul in your trail of scorned lovers."

   "You mean everything to me Thomas Jefferson." His grip on my shoulder tightens slightly. I glance over at him from the periphery of my vision. He stands resolute as his body trembles slightly, his eyes remaining fixed on the house just a few minutes walk from where we stand. "I'm sorry that I made you feel differently." 

   "Damn it, why did you do this to me?" I cry as I rip away from his hold. "You can't just tell me that I mean something to you after lying to me for so long. How am I supposed to believe you?" He says nothing as I turn to face him, pushing off of the tree and storming towards him. Alex takes a few anxious steps in retreat as I stride towards him. "You lied to my face so many times." He stumbles in the darkness until he has backed himself up against a tree, his eyes glowing in the moonlight. I grab onto his arms tightly, my fingers digging into his sleeves harshly. "You were my family! I loved you and you lied to me." Tears slip past my lashes. "How could you do that to me?"

   "I'm so sorry." He whispers with trembling lips. "God, I'm so sorry." 

   "Damn it all." I snap, crashing our lips together harshly. Alex squeaks in surprise before melting into the kiss, his hands gently gripping onto my forearms. My heart is pounding in my chest as I hold him pinned against a tree, our lips interlocked. There is something satisfying and tragic about this moment. This was never something I had anticipated for the two of us. Who would have ever thought that he and I wold become fathers around the same time, one of us knowing while the other was kept ignorant? How typical for two broken people to break each other further. I pull our lips apart. Alexander looks dazed as he stares at me in the silver glow of the stars.

   "Thomas," He murmurs. "Thomas I love you." 

   "I love you too." I whisper in response. 

   "You need time and I understand that. Take as much time as you need."

   "Stop putting words in my mouth." I grumble. "I hate it when you do that." 

   "Sorry." He mumbles softly. 

   "I do need to figure out how I feel about this particular situation after everything calms down." Alex nods slowly. "But you aren't going anywhere in the meantime. You are stuck with me now Hamilton, even if I have to handcuff you to me you will be right here with me." 

   "Thomas..."

   "You said that you would be here as long as I wanted you here, better get comfortable Hamilton because I am not allowing you to leave anytime soon." I loosen my grip on his arms slightly. "Understood?"

   "I understand." He replies quietly, his lips curling into a grin at the corners of his lips. It is obvious that he is trying to refrain from smiling, but his muscles have another thought in mind as it appears clearly through the darkness. His hands remain present on my arms, holding onto me gently with an unwavering grip. "I'll be here." 

   "Damn right you'll be here." I grumble as I pull myself free from his warm grip. My heart warns me that I need to put some distance between us unless I wish to fall back into his arms. I try to ignore the pleasant tingles that remain on my lips as I pull away from him just a little bit farther. I clear my throat slightly before turning away from Alexander's goofy smile and heading towards the house. 

   "Where are you going?" Alexander calls in question. 

   "I have a few things to sort out with my mother this evening." I raise an eyebrow at him as he remains stationary beside the the cluster of trees. He shifts his weight from one foot to the other as he watches me cautiously. He seems hesitant in what to do next, if he should follow after me or remain hidden in the shadows of the night and the trees. 

   "Should I head back to the hotel?"

   "What did I just say?" I snap as I extend a hand to him. He looks at me in puzzlement before striding towards me and taking my hand securely. "No more running Alexander. You are going to stick with me till the bitter end."