Counterpoint

Chapter 78

Thomas

   The night passes with an agonizing slowness, inching through the darkness with no concept of urgency or mercy. My thoughts run rampant through the heavy silence having no regard for the second sphere of gravity that has encompassed this room. Incomplete darkness surrounds us as we lie on what used to be my bed, back when I had been brave enough to stay here indefinitely. Silver streams of moonlight slip through the small gaps between the curtains, inching and dancing across the walls and floor until they have left evidence of their travels by the illumination of their beams. Alexander is uncharacteristically silent as he lies flat on the bed with my body draped on top of his. Thin fingers rest in the halo of curls atop of my head, they had once been in motion but they have fallen still, the only movement being the steady rise and fall of his chest as he breathes. 

   How long do I allow this peace to last? I am aware that this moment of silence and stillness is temporary. It won't be long before he and I are both thrust back into the throes of reality and responsibility. I am going to be a father in a matter of hours. Alexander has the luxury and illusion of time on his side. That must be a rather peaceful arrangement. My palms sweat as I grip onto the blankets beneath us. It is only a matter of time before the fighting will be over and my family will be complete. Why do I feel such an overwhelming sense of anxiety now that the end is finally in sight? My stomach churns and flips as I struggle to keep my body from betraying me. 

   What if Mary had been right about me? I don't know anything about children or being a parent. What would this night change? I still don't have any idea what to say to a child who has not known me her entire life, or how to answer the questions she is sure to have later on in life. Not even Martha had thought it wise to entrust me with the knowledge that she and I had created a new life. Nausea overcomes me as I hastily cover my mouth with my hand, closing my eyes tightly as I try to slow the spinning  of the world beneath me.

   Gentle fingers rest on my face, ghosting beneath hanging curls. The warmth of his skin melting through the permafrost of my fear. A broken sound forms in my throat and escapes me as I melt into his touch. My heart demanding that I allow him to hold me and guide me out of this dark moment. His voice carries softly on the air but I don't hear a single syllable that is uttered as my heart pounds in my ears, my blood screaming in my veins, and the Earth seems to have turned into a tilt a whirl while I wasn't looking. Warm palms cradle my face between their heat, gentle thumbs brushing just underneath my eyes, coaxing them open. 

   "Breathe, baby breathe slowly." His eyes meet mine and my vision blurs uncontrollably. "I don't know why you're crying." My fingers fumble through the blur until they rest on his chest and cling onto the loose fabric of his shirt. His thumbs brush away my tears as they fall, my face remaining securely cradled between his palms. "Thomas, you need to control your breathing. You're going to hyperventilate if you don't control it." I tighten my grip on him as my head begins to feel fuzzy, my breathing coming in ragged gasps that come in such quick succession that it is difficult for me to differentiate between a capture and release of breathe. His face fades in and out of focus as I struggle to look at him. Even in the obscurity of fading consciousness his eyes shine through the murk with such a beautiful radiance that it momentarily staggers me.

   Alex covers my mouth and nose with his hand, halting my breath. I claw at his hand anxiously, trying desperately to take a breath. He wraps an arm around my neck as he holds me close. Gentle murmurs of comfort slip past his lips as he smothers me, pulling away his hand after what feels like an eternity. Air rushes into my lungs but it leaves much slower than it had been before. My heart is hammering against my ribcage, but somehow he had found a way to force me into slowing my breathing.