Counterpoint

Chapter 58

Alexander

   Thomas is folding shirts on the other side of the bed, creating a mountain of folded fabric beside his suitcase. He glances over at me and shakes his head slightly before looking back down at his pile of clothes and chuckling. I quirk an eyebrow as he continues to laugh, setting my cellphone down on the bed beside me as I sit crosslegged on the opposite side of the bed. He meets my eyes briefly before dropping his eyes again, his smug grin remaining ever present on his face. 

   "What is so funny?" I question, crossing my arms as I regard him curiously. 

   "I just think it's funny that you are still listening to it."

   "I already said that I couldn't laugh at it." I grumble. "You heard me say that it was good, what more do you want me to say?"

   "I just never expected for you to be listening to it on your own, that's all." He grins. "So, I'm going to venture a guess that you aren't that angry at me anymore if you are willing to listen to audio files with my voice on it for the past couple hours."

   "Oh no, I wouldn't get comfortable just yet." Thomas merely quirks an eyebrow as he holds my gaze. "I'm still beyond pissed off with you." My eyes flit down to his left arm, his sleeves rolled up to his elbows leaving the bruise of my teethmarks visible on his skin. A part of me is pleased that I was able to bruise him, while the more rational part of my brain is beginning to feel a blossoming sense of guilt the longer I look at the arc of bruises.

   "You can't get mad at me for wanting to see pictures of you during your childhood." He scolds me, his hands stilling over the neat pile of clothes he has constructed. "You always try to keep your life a secret, and I can't stand all the secrets. I just wanted to see you as a kid, perhaps before you became so distant and untrusting of other people." 

   "I'm not untrusting." I argue. 

   "Then why have you never told me about your childhood? What are you trying to hide from me?"

   "Nothing!" I snap. "I am trying to hide nothing from you. My childhood isn't some fairytale or epic, it isn't pretty. I don't like thinking about it as much as you would like to." My breath comes slowly as I close my eyes. "I couldn't care less about you looking at pictures of me when I was kid. I am over that part. The thing that really pisses me off is that we both agreed on keeping our relationship a secret an-"

   "Why the need for secrecy?" Thomas cuts in, sliding his clothing into his suitcase before looking at me. "Do you feel the need to hide? Are you ashamed of being in a relationship with me?" I can't stop shaking my head from side to side as words fail me. Tears are slipping past my lashes and streaking down my skin, I can't stop them now. "Then what is it Alex? Are you embarrassed of me?"

   "No." I whisper. 

   "Then what is it Alex?" He finally raises his voice and that is when whatever secret structure had been holding me together finally snapped. 

   "It's because i'm terrified!" I scream, my voice echoing off of the empty walls of the room. My breath is ragged, chest heaving. Thomas has fallen silent as he looks at me with those painfully beautiful eyes. "I'm terrified." I whisper, shoulders trembling uncontrollably as I weep.

   "Of what?" 

   "I loved him..." the words leave me like an exhale of breath. "I loved her." Thomas looks at me with fearful eyes, uncertainty rages a war behind his iris. Every beat of his heart is presented in the flickering light of his iris as he looks at me, waiting for some spark of inspiration to come to mind, to stop standing there like a fool, silently gaping. "I loved them both." I whisper, "I loved them as much as I thought I could."

   "Alexa-"

   "Please!" I gasp. "Please listen to me." My body is shuddering as I beg silently for him to allow me to finish. He falls silent, granting me the open air to fill with my words. "I loved them, but it was nothing....nothing compared to how much I love you." My voice cracks as I become even further unraveled. "I love you so much that it terrifies me."

   The confession relieves my body of the invisible weight that I had been forcing myself to endure. The ghosts of John Laurens and Elizabeth Schuyler, phantoms of their love, have released their hold on me. My invisible anchor has unshackled itself from around my neck and sank to the bottom of the sea. My fingers brush against my neck as my breath comes through easier, my body feeling thousands of pounds lighter. 

   "I am constantly worried that something is going to happen to you." My confessions continue to babble past my stumbling lips. "I worry about you getting in a car accident, I worry about some lunatic with a gun will appear at a gas station the same time you're there, I worry that you will lose your good opinion of me, or that someone will tell you something about me that makes you realize that you are too good for me." Thomas sits down on the bed across from me, silently pulling me into his arms, brushing his fingers through my hair as he cradles me. "I hate feeling so terrified, constantly." 

   "I wish I could take it away." Thomas whispers. "I'm sorry that you have been feeling this way all by yourself." I bury my face into the crook of his neck and shoulder. A wave of relief washes over me as he cradles me in his arms. He knows now, he finally understands. I was able to finally tell him how I was being eaten alive by this overwhelming fear. I feel every muscle in my body begin to relax as he cradles me in his arms. 

   "Thank you." I whisper. 

   "Please don't thank me." He murmurs. "I haven't done anything worth thanking." 

   "You listened," I slide my arms around his neck, holding him close. "That was more than enough." 

   "I'm sorry, telling Aaron was something that you and I should have discussed. I didn't know that you felt so..." 

   "There was no way for you to know. I'm distant remember." 

   "Alex, I didn't mean that." 

   "Shh, it was only a joke." 

   "You're the one crying and you're trying to make me feel better." he laughs humorlessly. "I really am bad at this." 

   "Shut up, Thomas." I grumble. "I'm going to miss you." 

   "You're making it really hard for me to leave." He tightens his hold. 

   "You have to go, Washington would never forgive you if you don't go."  I chide him. As much as I don't want to let go of him I know that he needs to go. There are too many consequences if he remains here. 

   "Answer me honestly, will you be alright if I leave for a week?"

   "I'll be fine." 

   "I have a hard time believing you." He murmurs, burying his face in my hair. 

   "Thomas you have to go." 

   "I know." He sighs softly, his warm breath fanning over my skin. "Do you think I would be able to fit you into my suitcase and take you with me?"

   "I'm not that small asshole." I grumble halfheartedly. 

   "I could hope."