Counterpoint

Chapter 62

Alexander

   The house is completely silent. Since both Washington and Thomas are in Virginia the work that has been asked of me has dwindled down to almost nonexistent. My phone lies on the bed beside me, just an inch away from my fingertips in case Thomas happens to call or text me anytime soon. I stare up at the ceiling blankly as my usually restless mind begins to gradually slow down, craving for something to focus on. The heavy silence and stillness of the house is a bit overwhelming for me. Thomas seems to always exude this lively and vivacious atmosphere, so now that he is absent it leaves this house feeling painfully empty. A vacuum has been formed by his absence. 

   I wonder if this how Eliza felt when I moved out of the house. This is exactly how I had expected it to be. Thomas is off working and doing what he does best and then I am left to wonder the meaning of existence and hoping that this loneliness will eventually fade into a manageable ache. I hope Thomas makes the right decision about tonight. His family of all people should be able to understand why going back to that house would be difficult for him. If they really love him they wouldn't try to force him into a painful situation.

   Great. Now i'm worrying. Just as I should be. I am keeping a rather big secret from Thomas about Eliza. I can almost already see his pained expression when he learns the truth.

   How can I ever explain this to him in a way that he can understand? That he can come to forgive me? I shouldn't expect him to forgive me so easily, but I thought that I was doing the kind thing when I agreed to this arrangement. Now, however, I have this sick twisted feeling deep in my stomach every time I think about when Eliza is going to go into labor. What do I tell Thomas in that moment? What do I do when that moment comes?

   Do I run to Eliza's side and support her as she brings our child into the world? There are so many uncertain aspects of my life now. I thought that Thomas could be one my one solid foundation in my life, but now i'm fearful that I have destroyed the one piece of ground I had been clinging too so desperately. Why do I destroy everything I care about?

   I close my eyes and try not to think too deeply on all of the things that could possibly destroy everything I love. Thomas had said that it was easy for him to turn off his thoughts, I wish he had taken the time to teach me that skill before getting on that plane. I never thought I would need to turn off my thoughts or need a moments escape from them, but now I am lying alone in our shared bedroom wishing that my mind would simply go silent, if only for a moment. 

   Tiny hands float behind my eyelids, covering my eyes so I don't have to see the pain that is going to come. The tiny hands of a child that I want nothing more than to meet. I want to reach out and cradle those tiny hands in my palms, but they are not ready to be held. My heart tells me that Thomas would find a way to forgive me and love this child, but my mind screams at me to not place so much hope in a daydream. Thomas wasn't a part of the discussion, I left him out without ever considering how he would feel about the situation. He hadn't even crossed my mind when I agreed to Eliza's terms. 

   It's going to break his heart and in return I will break my own.

   "You love her, or something close to that." John's voice floats up from the depths of my memory. "Have you ever really felt love before?"

   "Of course I have John, everyone has." 

   "I don't mean the kind of love you feel for a friend or family member. I'm talking about romantic love."

   "Is there really that much of a difference?"

   "I see what you were trying to tell me before." I mutter. "I'm sorry that I hadn't listened to you sooner." John had been right about me. He knew about my emotional barriers that I had constructed between myself and the rest of the world, he had been the only person who had ever truly seen me as I am without my having to completely expose to myself. He had seen my vulnerability and tried to launch me forward.

   "John, I really fucked up this time." I breathe out into the open air. "I don't know how I am going to come back from this one." My hands slap against my cheeks hard enough to register as slightly painful. My thoughts seem to flow a lot clearer than it had before, everything is just as bad, but I feel like everything has been put a reasonable distance away from myself where I can see just what is really important to me. I can see what means the most to me in this life and what I am willing to fight for and want to keep in my life. 

   "I fucked up," I confess to the heavens, speaking because the words need to hit the open air to have the opportunity of becoming real. "I realize what I have done is wrong. There is no excusing what I have done to Thomas, and he has every right to be upset with me, maybe even hate me again." My throat goes tight at the thought of him viewing me as an enemy again, but I can expel it as a possibility after lying to him and not telling him about the arrangement in the first place. 

   "You can be as angry with me as you want, but I am not going to let you go Thomas."