The birth of the Blue Phoenix - Book 2 (MxM 18+)

Chapter 17: Daddy said

Zach, Sun Jan 6th 2013

For a few seconds, when I wake up, I feel great. I have a very comfortable pillow that smells wonderful and I think that I slept fairly late since the room is filled with light.

Except the man I'm snuggling against isn't Thomas and memories of last night suddenly flood my mind. Honestly, I'm glad Aiden hasn't woken up yet because the comfort I get by cuddling him is more than welcome.

Since his mother crept into my head and sliced the thick fog that was covering my brain, it seems a dam has been holding all kinds of memories of my life before Thomas. And it's now broken down. I can see how much I've changed during my time with him, and not all for the better.

They say ignorance is bliss, and right now, I couldn't agree more. It hurt less when I wasn't fully aware of what has happened to me. Now, I realize Thomas doesn't love me, probably hasn't for the past year. He's used me as his housekeeper, sex slave, and personal punching ball when he wasn't too busy sharing my body with his friends or brainwashing me to make me feel worthless.

But despite all of this I think that I still have feelings for him. Those don't just go away, do they? A part of me still believes that I'm good for nothing while the other part can't stop thinking how pathetic I've been to let all of this happen without doing anything to stop it.

Fun, huh? I'm not getting out of this bed. Ever. Or at least, not until I sort through all of these feelings and thoughts. Which is probably the same thing since my mind is working like crazy, jumping from one revelation to the next.

How could I let my life go astray like this? Going back to the end of high school, I remember teachers encouraging me to apply for scholarships to go to college, that I had a strong case. I dismissed all of this when Thomas encouraged me to take a small job to pay for our flat together. To have our own home was our dream and I happily did everything I could to achieve it. Now I have ruined all my chances at having a proper education.

Then how could I let him take away my independence when he graduated. I had just been promoted to assistant manager in the restaurant I was working in and I made a good bit of money. After two and a half years of unemployment, I'm not sure I'll find something like this again.

Why didn't I run away the first time he hit me? I felt I had nowhere to go but in truth, living in the streets would probably have been better than staying with him.

Most of all, I just hate how I let him brainwash me. I will be healed physically in a week or so, but I can't say the same for my mind. Right now, I feel like I've just been an observer while a dumb alien has been possessing my brain for years and I completely hate that.

Why did I let that dumb alien take control of my brain in the first place? I wanted him to be happy and every step of the way, I wanted to prove my love for him. So the answer is easy enough, I love Thomas.

As much as I would like to use the past tense, my feelings didn't disappear overnight. I'll make sure to do everything I can so that they do, though. The mere idea of going back to his place – I won't call it ours anymore – makes me want to vomit now. And once I've gotten rid of those useless sentiments – if I even manage to do so – I'll make sure to never fall in love ever again. I'll be damned if I let another one get that level of control over me.

I don't know for how long I have been pondering on all these thoughts, but my human mattress eventually starts to move on its own, yawning and stretching before rubbing my arm and ruffling my hair.

"Did you manage to sleep a bit?" Aiden asks a bit concerned.

"Yes," I answer. "You make a very good pillow."