immortal ⇢ h.s

twenty

"When you lose a person you loved so much, surviving the loss is difficult."C.R

Song for this chapter: Autumn Leaves by Ed Sheeran

[A/N: Tissues needed ahead.]

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Loss. A noun. The fact or process of losing something or someone. I was numb. As I stood in front of my mirror with my sleek black dress on. I couldn't feel anything. I was completely and utterly numb. I felt as if someone could slap me across the face and I'd still feel nothing. 

A knock on the door interrupted my train of thought. "You ready, Cay?" My dads hoarse voice spoke. I nodded my head slowly, but I didn't move. "We'll be right there." Harry whispered to my father. I wasn't looking at them, but the door shut so I figured Harry was in here.

"You okay, love?" He whispered as he came behind me. I shook my head as my eyes started watering. "Hey, don't cry." He said softly then pulled me into a hug. "You only have to be there until the service is over." He said and ran his thumb in circles on my cheek.

"No, Harry. It's going to be my life now." I cried. "Every day people are going to come up to me and tell me how sorry they are for my loss, and once I tell them it's okay- that I'm okay, they'll start talking about their own damn problems." 

"It's gonna be okay." He said softly. "It's not going to be okay! It's never going to be okay! Can't anyone see that?!" I exclaimed. "I lost my mother. Nothing can change that, and nothing ever will. I don't have a mom." I said whispering near the end.

"Calm down, Cay." He said with his eyes flashing red. It should scare me, but like I said, I'm numb to any feeling. "Stop! Just stop, Harry!" I yelled angrily and stormed away from him. "I don't want to be near anyone." I said.

"I don't want to go sit at a two hour service for my mother. I don't want to see her in her coffin. I don't want to see her be put in the ground the covered with dirt. I want to be with her. I want to hug her and tell her that I love her, but I guess that's too much to ask." I said with tears rolling down my cheeks.

I walked down the stairs and saw my grandma and my dad waiting at the door. "Ready?" He said with a sympathetic smile. "No, I'm not fucking ready." I spat. "All of you, leave me the fuck alone." I glared then went out the door.

I didn't have my phone or a jacket. I didn't know where I was going. I just wanted to run away. Run away from all of this. Walking turned into running, running turned into sprinting. I started coughing once my lungs couldn't take anymore.

I stopped and looked around. I wasn't anywhere familiar. I don't know how far I ran, but it definitely was far. I sat down on the ground and I had deja vu. I laughed at myself for running away for the second time this week.

I was weak and pathetic. I should've died. Not my mom. She didn't deserve it. I looked around and realized that this place was familiar. I wasn't sure how, but I knew I've been here before. I glanced around curiously and heard a whoosh of air then a crunch of leaves.

"I knew you'd be here." He said and I furrowed my eyebrows. "This is where you went when you found out." He said and sat down next to me. "Why does everything lead me back here?" I asked and he shrugged.

"Mental thing, probably." He said and I sighed. I was too tired to discuss it further. "Are you going to her funeral?" He asked and I shrugged. "You really should. You'll regret it if you don't." He said and I rolled my eyes.

"Since when have you become a good person?" I said sarcastically. "Ha ha, very funny." He said with a roll of his eyes. "Is my dad mad at me?" I asked after a moment of silence. "No, not really. He knows you took it the hardest." He explained and I nodded.

"Good, I don't think I could stand him being mad at me." I told him and he nodded. "Understandable." He said and I nodded my head slowly. "He will be upset if you don't go to the funeral." He said and I nodded again.

"I know that, but I don't know if I can." My voice cracked as I spoke. "You don't need to go to the viewing. The funeral will be short. In and out in an hour." He said and rested his hand on my knee. "Promise?" I asked.

"Promise." He weakly smiled. "I don't want to go yet." I said and rested my head on his shoulder. We sat in silence for awhile before I decided to speak. "Harry?" I asked. "Yeah?" He whispered. "Does the pain go away?" I asked.

"It does, but it doesn't." He sighed. "What's that mean?" I asked in confusion. "It means..." He trailed off with a sigh. "That you do forget about it occasionally, but the pain never really goes away. Certain things just remind you of it." He said looking out into the woods.

"I wanna forget, Harry." I told him with my voice cracking. "I know, Cay." He said softly. "She didn't deserve this." I stated and I felt him nod. "She didn't." He agreed with me. "So, why'd it happen?" I asked feeling anger surge through me.

"Why'd this have to happen to me, Harry?" I asked barely above a whisper. Harry stayed silent as my mind raced with a million thoughts. "Let's get going." He said and began to stand up. He grabbed my hand to help me up.

We walked to the funeral home in silence. It wasn't too far from our previous location, so I was thankful for that. As the funeral home came into view my breath caught in my throat, and before I knew it I was full on panicking.

"H-Harry, I can't do this." I choked out in between my short breaths. "Hey, look at me." He said and put his thumb under my chin to get me to look at him. "You're okay." He whispered and I stared at him like a deer in headlights.

"Harry, everyone will be in there. I can't take it." I said with panic lacing through my voice. "I won't let them talk to you. We'll go in and sit down away from everyone else and leave before it's over." He said with a comforting tone.

"O-Okay." I said shakily. I took a deep breath and nodded to him telling him that I'm ready to go in. He laced our fingers together and slowly began walking into the funeral home. "Look at the ground so you don't have to see them." He instructed.

I nodded and turned my gaze to the floor. The doors opened when we got close to them and Harry thanked whoever had opened them. I counted my footsteps and when I lost count I started counting the tiles on the floor.

The bottom of the pews came into view and I knew people were probably staring at me. I lifted my eyes up for two seconds and caught sight of my moms coworkers giving me sympathetic looks. "Don't look, Cay." Harry whispered to me and my eyes shot back to the floor.

He tugged my hand to the right then motioned his hand for me to sit down. I sat down and kept my gaze on my hands. Harry traced shapes on the top of my hand in attempts to comfort me. I took a second to look around.

I saw that Harry had sat us away from everyone else. No one was looking at me, which I was grateful for. "How'd you do it?" I asked Harry. "Do what?" He questioned. "Get through your moms funeral." I told him and he paused.

"I..." He started. "I didn't go." He admitted with a sigh. "Then-" He cut me off before I could speak. "And I regret it everyday. That's why you needed to go." He said with his lips rolled together. I didn't say anything. I didn't know what to say.

I bit my lip and picked at my fingers. "Caylah, I know this isn't the best time for this, but I wanted to see if-" He was cut off by the organ playing loudly. I gripped Harry's hand tightly and everything that he had just said drifted through the wind. 

The whole scene went in slow motion, it seemed. Her casket being lifted down the aisles and being set below the stairs. "Family and friends, we are here today to celebrate the life of Peyton Annabeth Winters." and that's where I passed out.

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[FRICK THIS IS SHORT. I'M SORRY. NEXT CHAPTER WILL BE LONGER I PROMISEEE!]