The Diary of Existing

ONE

ONE

It all seemed liked child's play to me at the time. The sound of the waves crashing, the smell of the air, the feel of it all just... The feeling... It was... Constant... An assurance of everything that I thought was wrong at the time was finally making sense, and just as it was beginning to push over I felt the warmth of his body on mine, it was surreal at best, maybe even exotic. But one could only wonder what exactly was meant by it. And it was at this exact moment that I knew that there was only one thing that would best describe the very moment that I wanted to be captured... It was pure-

"Alex, Dr. Arbour will see you now."

My eyes sprung open as I heard the sound of nurse Gwyneth's voice. I was caught off guard by the sudden opening of the door that I immediately slammed my notebook shut, as if I was holding onto a laptop and was almost caught looking at porn. I could hear the TV from the common room, the sound traveled across my room like smoke. I gave her a faint smile and slowly slid the book down under the covers. "Don't keep her waiting." nurse Gwyneth's voice was stern. She slammed the door shut and immediately the room fell silent. I felt as if I was about to fall as soon as I got up from my bed, but that didn't stop me from walking towards the door. My hand on the knob I could only wonder what Dr. Arbour wanted to talk about now. Last week it was the idea of how my parents love me so much that I felt trapped and found myself in a phase of teenage rebellion. The week before that it was about the sudden sensation of puberty that struck late in my life. And before that it was just one fictitious plot my mother had probably told Dr. Arbour in their private parents' session.

"Alex!" I turned and found Julia approaching. "Do you mind telling Dr. Arbour that I feel so much better." I could hear the desperation in her voice. She babbled on about how I should tell Dr. Arbour that she felt fine, that her mind felt clear and that she wanted to join us girls the next time we go back into town for ice cream and other treats. I just heard blah blah blah at this point as I struggled to slip my left shoe on. I had one hand against the wall as I balanced myself on my right foot. As I got my foot through I gave it a little stomp to secure. I gave Julia a tired smile and a nod. I'm not sure if she was done talking to me but I just walked as she continued to follow me and her voice simply echoed. I walked past the nurse's station and saw a bunch of the girls in the common area, eyes glued to the TV. But a certain pair had theirs locked on me, and as I was passing by we locked eyes and I felt a sudden surge of cold air through the back of my neck. For a split second it was as if time was set to slow motion. Everything was mute and everyone else was busy while my eyes locked onto those pair. They stared back at me with intent. As if it had something it wanted to say, to do, to remind me of something I might just wanted to forget.

"Julia you can't go in there." I heard nurse Gwyneth as I pass through the doors to the west wing. I could hear Julia arguing back to nurse Gwyneth about how I was ignoring her or not paying attention. Her words quick, so quick that before the doors to the west wing could close I heard her now telling nurse Gwyneth exactly what she told me, which was about how she was feeling better and that nurse Gwyneth should tell Dr. Arbour about it so she could join us next time for ice cream. As I walked through the hall I could see some classes going. One class was talking about poetry, another was geometry and the other was chemistry. At this point what I'm saying may seem confusing, possibly babble just like what Julia was telling me earlier. Oh yeah, by the way, Julia nearly burned the building down which explains why she is on lock down. She would burn water if she could. To be more medically accurate, if that makes sense, she's a pyromaniac.

"Nurse Gwyneth told me that you refused to join the girls for morning meditation." Dr. Arbour's voice echoed throughout her office. Her office described her success perfectly. Her success amongst the troubled lives of girls. She had endless books, the shelves practically cover three of the four walls. The other was covered with certifications. From college diplomas to awards. The words Harvard and Columbia were tossed around. Her floor, carpeted of course, yet there still set a rug in the center of the room. Just by eyeballing it I could tell it cost more than an iPhone. Even the silver pen she had on her finger, Grayson Tighe's rollerball pen. It was the exact same as my dad's. Even Dr. Arbour's chaise lounge must have cost as much as that pen. It definitely felt like it does.