The Diary of Existing

FOURTEEN

FIFTEEN

When I entered the institution I had already lost people in my life. The only ones that had remained were a few chosen people. And by chosen people I mean the ones that I was literally left with. It was like being in a class that suddenly had a group activity, everyone went with their friends and there was a selection of kids who didn't have any friends and had no choice but to be together in a group. My version of that is my family.

I left the room and headed for the garden. I looked around to see if there was anyone around, I wanted to be sure that no one was going to hear me call my therapist. I went to Dr. Palmer's number and hit call. I heard the phone ring five times, and in those five rings my subconscious was telling me to abort. And before it could tell me that for the sixth time, Dr. Palmer answered the call by saying my name.

"I need to have a short session with you. Today." I said and Dr. Palmer said she could make her way to the boarding school, to which I told her that I preferred going there. She was against it at first, saying that I might get home late but I told her I would be fine. She asked me if it was an emergency and I told her that I didn't know it was, and my next instinct was to just let out a laugh. Dr. Palmer agreed and told me to tell the headmistress so someone could take me.

I moved quickly on my feet and as I was headed to the inside of the building I saw an expensive car, and a familiar figure.

Morgan.

She had her back turned to me. An older gentleman got out of the car, his face a tad bit familiar. He bent down a bit to hug Morgan. Morgan didn't hug back. And I saw how the man's hands were slowly going down Morgan's back, as if it was trying to reach her ass. But before it could, Morgan had pushed him off. I couldn't hear what she was saying, but she sounded angry. The man had a displeased look on his face before hopping back in the car and driving off fast. Morgan stood there and watched as the car left the gate. Before she could turn I ran inside the building. From inside, through the window I could see Morgan heading back to the dormitory are.

What the fuck did I just witness?

Three hours later I found myself plopped on Dr. Palmer's swivel chair. She replaced her old one with a white one. "I prefer your old chair." I said and Dr. Palmer smiled. "What did you want to talk about Alex? You sounded a bit uneasy on the phone. And rushed. What's up?" She asked, this time she wasn't on the floor but on the chaise lounge. I sighed and the entire uncomfortable car ride with Ms. Thompson I kept debating how I was going to tell Dr. Palmer that.

But before that, I just need to let this out.

Ms. Thompson is going to die alone with her cats. There was so much cat hair in her car you could build another cat. A giant one. Mega cat.

"I don't have friends." I said and Dr. Palmer leaned forward. "When I got back I looked in my contacts and realized that I had less than 10 people on that phone. I haven't been talking to Jacqueline and I honestly love it this way, and I don't want to talk to Morgan about this because I'm not sure if she even realizes we are friends." I continued and Dr. Palmer nodded her head. "And-" I didn't know how I was going to say the last part, because honestly I didn't even realize that I would be saying this one day.

Entering the institution I had already lost people. But prior to that I knew a lot of people. I knew a lot of girls and we were all friends before I was here, depressed, alone and damaged. I bit my lower lip trying to force myself to put the words out but I didn't even know how to process it all in my head.

"I want to reconnect with my friends from before. Before all of this, the boarding school, England, the institution. Before all of it."

The look on Dr. Palmer's face rid of concern. I didn't understand why she looked that concerned. She shut her notebook and got up. She placed it on the table before coming around the desk to stand next to me. She moved the swivel chair to face her. She grabbed a stool that was next to her desk. It had her phone on it. She of course put that away. But this observation feels random.